You’re probably sitting at home thinking about your New Year’s resolutions and how you’re going to start going to the gym again in January. Boring! Let’s just look at some boner-inducing fitness videos instead. It’s just like working out!
Before we learned to clear the browser cache on the family computer, before high speed Internet and infinite porn, there were erotic men’s fitness infomercials to satisfy our urges. Here are seven that got us through many late, horny nights! May they serve as inspiration (either to get you to pump some iron or get you to pump something else) in the new year.
By the time the Shake Weight For Men made its way onto the airwaves, we were already a full time sex blogger juggling more porn DVDs than we could easily manage. Still, one look at this thing and we knew it was an instant classic. They couldn’t make this any more plainly homoerotic if the damn thing sprayed a refreshing, milk-colored protein shake onto your face at the end of each workout.
Oh, god, Tony Horton. What we would give to have this buff fitness god standing in front of us, screaming his vaguely sexualized commands like some Tom O’Finland drill sergeant. At one point in this commercial he squats before a muscled, tattooed stud doing some sort of push-up and remarks, “look at the sweat coming off that boy,” like a character in the raunchiest porno you’ve ever seen. Back in our days of masturbating to these things, all we needed was a moment like that to have us imagining Horton shoving his cock down that fitness model’s throat.
There was always one problem when it came to being a young gay boy trying desperately to get off to PG-at-best infomercials: chicks. Way too many of these things were girly ads for gimmicky, figure-slimming abdominal workouts, replete with tiny women in spandex tights and sports bras. Not only were these outfits far less revealing and, thus, less pornographic than a buff fitness model wearing nothing but a thin pair of athletic shorts (one piece still beats two!), but they were on women and we were, you know, gay. Luckily, the Tower 200 was all man, all the time. With a guy named Randy Couture for a host, how could this be anything but the gayest spot on TV?
Ty Tinker Keck, former New York Giant’s player and personal trainer—we would pay to choke on this guy’s cock. Like, literally choke and asphyxiate and die. It would totally be worth it. We couldn’t find any of the full Ab-Rocket commercials that originally made us fall in love with him, but we did stumble across this Youtube tribute to Keck. With his gorgeous good looks and ridiculously ripped body, we’re not surprise that he managed to pick up a few devoted fans.
Ah, the Bowflex. The gold standard of softcore fitness porn, we remember spending many nights waiting up until 3 or 4 in the morning for the Bowflex commercial to hit the tubes. Half an hour of these two daddy-like hosts doling out instructions to shirtless hunks with bulging muscles did more than enough to stretch out our resistance bands. Get it? Because the Bowflex uses a complex system of cables and resistance bands rather than traditional…oh, nevermind.
Isn’t this amazing that this is somehow supposed to be a commercial made by straight men, filled with straight men, and marketed to straight men? We can only imagine what must run through the head of the average hetero guy when he watches something like this: “Gee, that aggressively masculine guitar rock playing in the background sure does a lot to mitigate the fact that this is basically 2-minutes of close-ups of an incredibly hot dude’s torso. I sure do wish that I could
drizzle chocolate all over his body and lick it off look like that. I wish I could look like that. I sure do have a healthy and strictly non-sexual admiration for this guy’s physique!”
And then there was Tony Little and the Gazelle Freestyle and caaaaaaalves. Homoerotic? Okay, not so much. Gay as hell? Definitely.