Rapture, Maybe, But No Revelations At The “Rapture Inn”

Okay, we'd be lying if we said we weren't excited about Lucas Entertainment's newest release, "Rapture Inn". Bitch all you want about the Michael Lucas' curious lips or his Ginsu cheekbones or his litigious off-screen antics ... but the man knows how to put together a porn film, stuffing them (and the guys in them) with lots of hot, hot stuff.

That said, we'd also be lying if we said we weren't a tad intrigued--nay, concerned--by the two slightly different "Rapture Inn" box covers in circulation. The one at the Lucas Entertainment store (on top, natch) features torso shots of Jason Crew and Madonna Cher Jarrod, hastily Photoshopped onto a fuzzy waterfall image from iStockphoto. On the back: a Brady Bunch-style collage of homo headshots, plus one face-off between Lucas and Crew, which seems titillating but slightly odd since they apparently don't get it on in the flick. To the left, there's Crew again, showing off his assets. (Yeah, we hate that pun, too, but it's Friday and we're lazy.)

The other cover, viewable at TLAvideo, is far more polished--though admittedly still Photoshoppy and drop-shadowy. This one has Crew's assets front and center, sandwiched between Gallagher Prince Jarrod and our long-standing Teen Beat crush Antton Harri, who looks something like a toned-up Jeff Corwin or a beefed-up Stephen Colbert. The three are backed by another stock landscape, but at least it and the title are more cheery than before. (Which is nice, because the tag line about guys who check into the Rapture Inn "AND NEVER CHECK OUT!" is pretty creepy.) On the flip side of the box, there's essentially the same collage, but on the left we now have Harri standing in front of Lucas and his armpit. Excuse us for a sec while we ponder Jeff Corwin and a fuzzy pit....

Okay, where were we? ...Oh yeah: so what does all this mean--apart from the fact that we're nitpicky and it's a slow news day? Well, here are some of our conclusions:

• The Lucas Entertainment version could be a director's cut, leaving TLA's version for the plebes. Which would explain the fact that the former boasts three hours of ugly-bumping while the latter has merely two.

• The TLA version could be an outdated early mock-up, later refined to fit the Lucas brand. Which would kinda make sense, since the TLA image looks more like a lost iteration of "Crossroads" cover art than anything la Lucas has put out.

• On the other hand, the TLA version could be the final product--the result of focus group research that revealed the world's gay masturbators (i.e. all of us) really get off on Crew's ass and the thought of blowing Stephen Colbert. At least, that's what we'd say if we were in such a focus group.

• The two covers could both be in production, but aimed at different markets--you know, the "official" one for all of Michael's die-hard fans and the collectors (there are porn collectors, right?), and the other for...well, people who like bright, sparkly things. Sarah Jessica Parker, maybe?

But honestly, we're clueless. Do you know something we don't? Please weigh in below.

· "Rapture Inn" (store.lucasentertainment.com)
· "Rapture Inn" (tlavideo.com)
· Britney Spears in "Crossroads" (because we know you didn't see it)