So, Ya Wanna Build a Gloryhole, Huh?

April 26, 2024
HANK ORSO

Gloryhole, tearoom, cottage..whatever you call it, it conjures for some a decadent and nostalgic trip back in time to some early sexual escapades when they were more carefree and daring. For others, it conjures thoughts of what they did yesterday afternoon when some dudes responded to their online ad advertising the one they have set up in their garage, or front entryway. No matter if you're gay or straight, male or female, if you're at all sexually active and have spent five minutes on the internet, you probably know what one is.

We'll get to the "how to" portion later, but let's take a brief look at its history and how it became embedded in modern culture. The first recorded instance of reference to a gloryhole was a 1707 court case known as the "Tryals of Thomas Vaughan and Thomas Davis" in London. A "Mr. Guillame" was seen fleeing a public restroom after a young man had stuck his junk through a hole in the stall wall, who then followed Guillame out into the street yelling that he would have had sex with him. A Mr. Vaughn schemed to extort money from the innocent Guillame.

Public sex being illegal pretty much everywhere, and gay sex being illegal still in some parts of the world, it's easy to see how such extortion of men who visited known gloryhole spots could be a rampant practice by police. You can actually find old police footage from the fifties of raids on sites like PornHub. The use of gloryholes was pretty rampant due to the illegal nature of gay sex; men had to find ways to get off in secret. When homosexuality became decriminalized through much of the world, gloryholes found "in the wild" largely faded from view, though a quick internet search will tell you where to find them. There was simply less need for them. They became more the fodder of gay porn, eventually rising to a level of fetishization for many. The allure of a quick and anonymous release in a private place is still scintillating, getting away with the criminal act of public sex, even if the sex they were having was no longer illegal.

What's stunning and hilarious to yer boy Hank here is how gloryholes have become a part of mainstream culture. Often as a punchline, to be sure, as seen in the clip above from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. But ironically, often with a wink and a nod of acceptance and not imbued with the homophobia you would expect. From standup comics to American Dad to the 2022 horror comedy Glorious to Comedy Central and YouTube vids, gloryholes are having a heyday of sorts. Just watch this "gloryhole installer commercial" from comedian Zac Townsend.

Are you a giver or a receiver?

Or maybe you have considered becoming a glory hole installer…They are all the rage at our Parliament Houses….‍♂️

Don’t wait….act today! pic.twitter.com/ztev25zNA1

— Joey Mate™️ SSS (@Joey1800callme) April 24, 2024

Personally, no one made gloryholes more symbolic, more metaphorical than Louis CK in the very first episode of his hit show Louis. The episode is called "Religion" and it opens with the following scene in which a gloryhole becomes a metaphor for, well, religion and faith. It was stunning in its audacity as well as incredibly smart and funny.

Okay, so you've seen gloryholes in your porn, on your internet sites, and maybe even experienced them in real life. But how to create one for your own, to be used by you and your partner when you want to spice things up, or to be used by you with other guys when your partner's off at work? Do you go the cheap route by stringing a shower curtain or bedsheet up in a doorframe with a hole cut into it, or something more elaborate and sturdy made of wood? I was surprised to find the following product available, the PortaGlory, for when you want something that's long-lasting yet easily removable.

The folks over at 411GloryHole offer some sensible and easy advice on what to think about when creating your own home gloryhole. And by the way, if you get yours up and running, you can advertise it on their website where they have a map of available gloryholes around the world! They recommend you first ask if this is for you and your partner or friends, or to be used with strangers. If it's the former, then placement can be pretty much anywhere in your house. Any doorway will do, or a more elaborately constructed cubicle in your garage or even outside if you have privacy. But if you're entertaining strangers, then you want to consider the safety factor. You want to set it up in an entry foyer or using an outside door where the visitor can still be private, because you don't want strangers traipsing through your house, eyeing up your belongings, and making off with more than just a happy ending.

Going the cheap route? Just duck-tape or staple gun that curtain or sheet up in the doorframe and voila, you can now let the good times commence! This type is great if you or your visitor want to be able to have your hands run free over body parts by simply reaching under or around the fabric. Just make sure to only adhere the top half of the sheet while letting the bottom half hang free.

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This one has a great design, using a long curtain with a tension rod at the top. Add one at the bottom to keep it rigid.

If you want to go a more sturdy and traditional route, you need 1/4" plywood or drywall cut to fit inside your doorframe, a 3-4" hole cutter bit for your drill, and something to fix the whole thing to the frame. 411GloryHole suggests barrel bolts, three on each side at the top, middle, and bottom. These will keep the structure in place when your visitor starts bucking and humping; you don't need that coming down on your head!

If you want a larger hole, get a larger diameter hole cutter or use a jigsaw to cut a rectangle with rounded corners. This allows for more visibility of each other, and for standing up and turning around if oral turns into anal. If you really want your visitor to look at all the action, cut your plywood between 5'-5 1/2' tall. Or get super fancy by cutting and hinging the top two feet or so and let it drop down when needed.

Sandpaper is vital for smoothing out the rough edges. You think a splinter in your finger is bad?! And to make it all pretty and easier to clean up those spills your tongue might have missed, a couple coats of polyurethane seal and stain will keep your gloryhole looking its best for years of rugged use.