You Asked, The Old Whore Answered

You asked, he told. The Old Whore answers your questions about rent boy life, going rates, bizzaro clients, and just what an "Alaskan Pipeline" is. Got questions of your own? Send them in to TOW at [email protected].

I'm 29 and newly single after a very unhappy 3 ½ year relationship. I met him almost the moment I came to Manhattan and moved in with him six months later, having never been single in the city. Now that I'm back in the game, making good money, and about to move into the bachelor pad of all time, how should I jump in feet first to see what a New York sex life can be like?

Edging for three years

Dear Edgy,

Maybe go to a bar?

I suppose you could go see 'Secret Life of Bees,' clutching your copy of 'O' magazine and wait for Mr. Right to slip his hand into your popcorn box? What the hell do I know? I mean, shit, you're single, got a fab bachelor pad, making good money AND you're 29? Well, you know what? You should buy me a drink baby, that's what you should do.

And thanks for my first question, Edger, but let me take this moment to make something perfectly clear; I love to give advice, but what I know about healthy relationships and fresh starts I can write on the cap of a Corona. If you need someone to diagnose anal warts via IM, I'm your man. Getting charged overnight rates for a 4 hour scene? I'm your Better Business Bureau. But if you find yourself smelling the roses and wondering if you can ever really have it all? Fuck off unless you're buying.

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What is a Dirty Sanchez?

-What's that smell?

Hey stinker,

First, go wash your face.

Ok, let's get some terminology out of the way. I see feltching, an Alaskan Pipeline, and a Britney Spear, among others mentioned on the web all the time. We know that everyone is talking about them, but who the hell is engaging in these acts?

A Dirty Sanchez is when someone pulls their poop-smeared cock out of their partner and smears a 'mustache' on the unlucky bottom. I don't claim to understand its attraction, but then again, I get hard for guys on the subway in flip-flops, so I'm not going to judge. I think the Sanchez has gained in popularity since it was featured in the 'Screeched' sex tape put out by Saved by the Bell alum Dustin 'Screech' Diamond. It's a tacky move, but you gotta give the guy points for pure showmanship.

Fletching? Dropping a raw load into your partner and then licking it out. This act is featured in so many Eastern European porno's that I sometimes wonder if there isn't a lack of protein in their diets.

Alaskan Pipeline? Freezing a turd and then using it as a dildo. Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

A Britney Spear? Taking it up the butt from a well-hung twink who is out of control on meth, tina, or any combo thereof. Seems like a pain in the ass to me, but I know some leather-lined daddies who swear by it.

So who is enjoying this? I want to know. If you think I got some of these definitions wrong or have some personal experience you want to share, please PLEASE drop the Old Whore an email. I'll try to continue this list in the future. And if your boyfriend is asking you to try an Electric Anaconda, write in before saying yes. Trust me.

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I've always wondered what it would be like working in a "house". Did you hang out a lot with the other boys?

-Bi-Curious George

Dear Monkey Boy –

Sadly, the grand days of proper gay whore 'Houses' has passed. (Did you know the building at 33 1/3 on Bleecker Street was once the most notorious boy barn in mid 19th century NYC? I like to imagine it as the cast of "Brooklyn Bukkake" performing an all-male version of "Hello Dolly".) Nowadays your boy4hire will be most likely chilling in an apartment, not a house. And that apartment will have one bathroom and a TV that seems to only get Cartoon Network and Spanish language talk shows. As for camaraderie? Well, we all got along like snakes and chickens. The young'uns tell me that not much has changed and tourists love to try the many afternoon boy buffets available in the city. It may not be as glamorous as the red-velvet parlors of yore, but at least there's a microwave to make your Ramen noodles.

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What where the going rates when you were in the business? Have they changed much?

-The Frugal Fellator

Dear PennySaver,

This topic breaks my heart. I don't wanna get all dad-like on you kids, BUT! In my day, you didn't have this internet thing, where you put a profile up on a networking site, post something on Craig's list and then wait for the emails, with pictures no less, to arrive. Back then we had to work for our money. We would drag our asses around to bars, loiter in parking lots, looking sullen and making awkward eye-contact with nerdy guys in windbreakers. With the ease and anonymity of the Internet, guys of all persuasions and perversions are now hiring boys. You are as likely to get a shy 32 year-old workaholic as you would a desperate 62 year-old alcoholic. And that's a big issue when you're gonna be rimming the guy.

Thanks to the equalizing nature of supply-and-demand economics, prices haven't really gone up as much as you might think. For example, today, a 2 hour date with an A-quality boy would run you about 200-250 dollars. Back in the 1990's, a boy at the Gaiety or Showpalace would go back to your room for 100-125 dollars. Yes, that's a steep markup but have you checked Real Estate prices in this city? When you pay 3000-a-month for a studio in Hells Kitchen, a $250 human sex toy is a bargain

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Anything funny ever happen while you were working?
-Vicarious Voyeur

Dear Looky Lou,

When you're a sex worker, things don't seem so funny, as much as absurd. Like Samuel Beckett meets David Sedaris at a bath house. My top five, which I hope to go into greater detail in future columns:

1. The guy who hired me for an hour of rough nipple work and then, after the scene was over, asked if I had accepted Jesus as my personal savior.

2. The German tourist who wanted to be ridden like a pig. He made so much noise the front desk called up and he would only answer with oinks. I was just 19 years old and all I can remember thinking was, "Do people in Germany actually ride pigs?"

3. Tricking with the real-life bank robber from the movie "Dog Day Afternoon", who, incidentally, carries clippings from the event and refers to himself as "Dog Day".

4. The guy who called room service at the W hotel to ask if they had frozen bananas. They sent up one covered in chocolate on a plate of whipped cream. He seemed surprised when I pointed out that frozen bananas could also be a desert.

5. The Sailor who collapsed and puked in a seedy hotel bathtub. The resulting photograph caused Nan Goldin herself to comment, "Now that's just nasty."

Ah, memories….

· Got more questions? Send them in to [email protected]!