How To Trick Straight Gamer Boys Into Mansex

A new video game called Dragon Age: Origins has a surprise for unsuspecting fantasy geeks who make the right combo of choices: a gay sex scene. They won't be expecting a frolic from this form of fairy!

It unfolds with the cruisy, feigned innocence of a heavily coded, Victorian Age pick-up. When Big Mute Daddy asks Odd-Voiced Bossy Blond Bottom to step inside his tent, Bossy Blond Bottom responds, "Is there something in your tent that needs assassinating? That is my specialty." We think BBB just wanted to say "ass" twice.

If you select Big Mute Daddy to say, "I bet you're good at a lot of things," BBB replies with a digitized smirk, "Mmmm, that's quite on offer, especially coming from another man..." Within seconds, the duo are clearly transformed into that most pleasurable of mythological creatures: the Sodomites.

Our favorite part comes post-coital, when Big Mute Daddy is selected to say, "What about love?" Bossy Blond Bottom flippantly answers before walking off, "I was born of a whore and bred as an assassin. All I know of is pleasure and death. What room is there in these things for love?"

Ouch. Sounds like our hook-ups on that popular gay computer game, Manhunt.

After tasting the way of all homoflesh, Big Mute Daddy comes out to his redheaded fag hag. She takes it like all girls secretly in love with a closet queen, by cracking awkward jokes about incest and Cuneric Cuisine. (At least we think she says "Cuneric." Fantasy Geekese is such a odd language.)

Seeing how this game is indeed geared towards straight guys, there's a lesbian sex scene. Naturally, it's considerably longer and more graphic. The injustice!

Within the odd world of gaming, we hope Dragon Age: Origins gives one scared gay boy the courage to come out. Let's pray, however, during his first bedroom encounter, he does not choose this game's odd Enya-esque sex music.

· Gay video game sex is creepy, hot (unzipped.net)