Thor is the god of mind-blowing abdominal routines! The Situation is an international cyber art thief! “The Vampire Diaries” get kinky and even The Pope like a little shirtless action. All this and more in Your Shirtless Celebrity Roundup!
Mark Wahlberg: A beefy Mark Wahlberg poses shirtless for the latest cover of Sports Illustrated with his friend and personal trainer, Gandalf The Gray. Oh no, that’s just Christian Bale looking mad skinny and rocking a scraggly beard that we desperately, desperately, desperately hope was grown specifically for his role in “The Fighter,” and will quickly go away.
Chris Hemsworth: The trailer for “Thor hit the web this past week and we’re pretty happy about it. Besides looking way, way more interesting than we had initially thought possible, the trailer gave us this delicious image of muscle hunk Aussie actor Chris Hemsworth walking around all shirtless-like. We cannot wait to stare at those rippling abs when they are fifty feet tall and beaming out at us in three glorious dimensions when we go to see this shit in IMAX.
Duff McKagan: Former Guns N’ Roses bassist Duff McKagan stripped down with his sexy
“Rock of Love” co-star wife for another one of those PETA campaigns. We’re kind of obsessed with this image—a bare-chested, bottle-blonde 80s refugee with his beautiful wife wrapped around him and giving the camera a look that says “I have never felt human emotions.” The only problem: Can the bass player of any band be considered a “celebrity?”
Jordi Vilasuso: Um, we’ve never followed a soap opera (unless “Buffy” counts) but if this completely unnecessary and totally hot clip of actor Jordi Vilasuso working out in a recent episode of “All My Children” is par for the course, we’re going to have to get into it. Who lifts weights shirtless in the middle of a busy hospital? Why is there a weight room in the middle of a busy hospital? We’ve seen gym-based gay pornos with less gratuitous workouts.
Keith Urban: You know, we read (okay: browse) our gossip rags and try to stay apprised of all this pop culture shit, we really do. But we stumbled across this picture of a shirtless Keith Urban and we were like, “wait, who?” And then we were like “Nicole Kidman is dating someone?” And then we stopped caring. Nice pecs, though!
Jason Trawick: This is Jason Trawick. He’s not a celebrity per se, but he is fucking Britney Spears, so this makes him famous by association. Remember when people were saying that Britney was being abused by her boyfriend? Well, if that were true, this would be the guy doing it. Of course, Britney’s people have been saying that that whole story was bullshit and we’re inclined to believe them because, really? Just look at that salt-and-pepper beard. Is that the beard of a man who would ever lay a hand on his woman?
Michael Trevino: Have ya’ll been watching “The Vampire Diaries?” Of course not. We wouldn’t have been watching it either if the CW hadn’t been running a marathon of the show’s second season all week long. We always imagined it would be a sort of PG-13 rip-off of “True Blood,” but it’s actually more reminiscent of a less witty and way sexier “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” (which is actually the most important television show of all time). Anyway, most shows aren’t as witty as “Buffy” at it’s best, and when we say this show is sexy, we mean that actor Michael Trevino spends most of the latest episode shirtless and chained up in a basement, flexing gratuitously.
The Situation: Toronto-based artist Celeste Gillis created this rather lovely portrait of “The Jersey Shore’s” Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. She sent the image to him on Facebook and Sitch was all like: “Hey that’s pretty cool can I have it?” And she was all like: “uh, no, but you can buy it from me or post it online with a link to my website?” And he was all like: “What a great painting of me, The Man The Myth The Legend,” and then posted it on Facebook anyway after completely ignoring everything she had said. Anyway, we’re just posting this because, ironically, two out of three sites that had this story didn’t bother to link to Celeste’s page either.
The Pope: Seeing The Pope in the same room with a bunch of muscular, shirtless men is about as unlikely and exciting as seeing The Pope shirtless himself. The only difference is that nobody has to see anything that can not be unseen—like The Pope’s holy man-boobs—so that’s great. Also, if someone makes an animated gif for us that loops the magic happening from 0:16 to 0:24 or so, we will totally send them free porn (unless they live in Canada).