We’re All Ho Ho Hoes and Looking at the History of Christmas

December 5, 2024
HANK ORSO

We're All Ho Ho Hoes and Looking at the History of Christmas

So the national retail chain Target has ostensibly introduced us all to "Hot Santa" through a new series of ads aimed at women and maybe also gay men! Featuring a dashing silver Daddy with a full but not too bushy beard and highly styled hair, he flashes a twinkle in his smile that is sure to make you melt and open up your wallet. Honey, for yer boy Hank here, Santa was always pretty hot with his big bushy beard and big round belly! But hey, I won't quibble. It took them a while to catch up to the gays. So what does all this have to do with our Throwback Thursday? Well, it's about the kinda queer origins of Christmas in pagan traditions, and the subtle re-queering it really needs!

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Oh, that pic above? Yeah, that's just for some eye candy as we think about Saturnalia. What's that you ask? Saturnalia was an ancient celebration of the Roman Empire celebrating and honoring Saturn (Cronus) the god of agriculture and harvests. He was also the father of more powerful gods like Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades. A one-day celebration that was a bit more tame turned into a bacchanalia that lasted a couple of weeks around 130 BC. Egalitarianism was a main element, wherein masters served their slaves, cross-dressing by both men and women was practiced, and the choosing of the King of Saturnalia for a day led the rumpus. Often chosen from the servants, this person could make any outlandish request they chose and they had to be obeyed. Erotic bake-offs, naked choruses, and full-out orgies were popular commands!

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Also referred to as "The Lord of Misrule," the tradition of drunken singing from door to door, demands of food and sex, and other rampant chaos sprung from this ancient practice of commands. Also, gift-giving and the bringing in of boughs of greenery and decorating of trees to keep evil spirits at bay and appease the gods were also present in those early celebrations. Okay, so maybe some of those original Kings of Saturnalia might have become human sacrifices, given Saturn's predilection for eating his children. Hey, history ain't perfect!

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As Christian Romans made their way through Europe and encountered others' traditions of Yule and their enviably burning logs (giggety!) the birth of their Christ was deemed in the 4th century to have occurred on December 25th, the date of the original smaller Saturnalia celebrations. In this way they created a pagan/Christian hybrid in order to make the new religion more palatable to the pagans. By incorporating pagan traditions, they allowed the pagans to continue their practices while renaming it all in Jesus's name. (For you younger readers, this was their version of rebranding!)

But never forget that the origins could get pretty gay. According to Susan Lanigan (as quoted over at LGBTQNation):

It’s no secret Ancient Greece was super queer, but the Romans were a bit more prudish and often kept queer relationships in the taboo category. However, Saturnalia was all about emulating the social freedom integral to Greek culture. Hence, drag was openly encouraged. We have more than one record from the period describing boys running naked through the streets, men dressed as women, women dressed as men, masters of the house waiting on slaves, and an overabundance of wine, cunnilingus, and fruitcake.

Santa Bear is coming #gay #gayart #gayai #gaybeard #gayart #beefyguy #gaylove #gaybear #aiart #man #aibears #santa pic.twitter.com/40Z7iX6Y6J
— ai4bears (@ai4bears) December 6, 2023

The mistletoe, holly, decorating trees, singing door to door, gift giving, egalitarianism ("Peace on Earth, good will toward men") hell, even gingerbread men stem from those ancient beliefs. Gingerbread men? Oh yeah, eating human-shaped baked goods has always been a thing. Very human sacrifice-y! Your baby in the Mardi Gras King Cake designating you King of Mardi Gras for the day? Yep, that started off as a bean in the English holiday pudding. Of course, Christians being Christians, they got all skeeved out by the pagan origins and Puritans banned the holiday for centuries.

I'll let Adam explain that while he ruins the idea of a "traditional Christmas" for you:

You can do any number of searches of keywords that'll bring you delicious results to fuel your Santa and Christmas eroticism needs. Because it's totally cool to gay out at Christmas! In fact, it's tradition!

But for my money, this 2022 ad from the Norwegian postal service celebrating the country's fifty-year anniversary of the decriminalization of homosexuality is pretty much the best way to feel the feels for your queer Christmas: