Queer Abby: My Coworker Has Zero Emotional Boundaries, Help

Queer Abby,

How do you deal with a coworker who complains too much? There is a woman in my department who has become comfortable enough with me to spend long amounts of time chatting with me. She's a nice person but unfortunately I think there's a slight weakness in her social skills where she thinks complaining to someone and chatting socially are the same thing. She has the capacity to complain endlessly about things that are bothering her, and doesn't realize that people don't like to be on the receiving end of that for long periods of time.

I'm a sensitive person and I tend to take on her frustration and bad moods when we talk, even if I was feeling fine beforehand. I'm glad she feels comfortable with me but I'm not her therapist and I'm not her husband.

What's the best way to handle this? To further complicate matters she's a more senior member of my department and I have to spend a lot of time around her and training under her, so I can't afford to make things unpleasant between us. Thoughts? Thanks Queer Abby!

Sincerely,

Not Your Therapist

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Dear Not Your Therapist,

This is a difficult situation for anyone to be in - but especially so for you, due to the fact that this boundary-breach is coming from a superior at work. Your co-worker, who we'll call Suzan, is demonstrating a complete lack of self-awareness by pummeling you with her emotional baggage. We've all met these kinds of people - sad souls who have fallen into a habit of pathological oversharing, without the mature socialization necessary to have a genuine back-and-forth conversation. This is incredibly draining on the recipient, and - while not necessarily intentional - Suzan's lack of consideration for your feelings borders on emotional abuse.

Therapists are trained to process the emotional turmoil they expose themselves to every day. Otherwise they'd go crazy. You are not a therapist. You are not getting paid. You do not have this specialized training, and the fact that you are noticing a difference in your mental wellbeing before and after taking to Suzan means you need to get the hell out of this toxic one-sided relationship.

But how. Suzan obviously won't be the one to establish a boundary, so unfortunately that falls on you. Think of it as fine-tuning a vital life skill. If you can establish a boundary with Suzan, you can do it with anyone. Here are a couple of ideas.

1. Try interjecting your life into Suzan's monologues as you would if the two of you were having an actual back-and-forth conversation. Example: Suzan: "You wouldn't believe what my mom said to me the other day..." You: "That's wild. My mom's doing well! Just got a new car. She's worked so hard and I'm so happy she treated herself to a much-needed upgrade." The Suzans of the world are so self-obsessed that they don't have the capacity to care about others. Letting her know that you demand to have equal attention in any given convo might force her to seek out another free therapist.
2. Are you allowed to wear headphones at work? Are there any other visual cues you could implement to hint to Suzan that you're just not that into being her emotional landfill? If you're currently feigning interest, maybe stop? If Suzan has any social grace she'll realize that a dead-eyed slack-jawed coworker isn't buying what she's selling, conversationally.
3. If Suzan wasn't your superior at work, I'd suggest that you come up with places to be in order to cut your sessions as short as possible, if not avoid them completely. Even so, depending on the flexibility of your work, try implementing boundaries in the form of time constraints. "Sure I can talk, but I'm actually taking an early lunch in five minutes." Or "Oh that's awful, I'm sorry to hear that Suzan. Excuse me, I actually have to run to the restroom."
4. If gracefully distancing yourself from Suzan doesn't work, it might be time for something a little more direct. Suzans respond to victimization, so try simply telling her that you're going through something too, and that the conversation (whichever one she happens to be subjecting you to at the moment) is making you uncomfortable. It's not a lie! We're all going through something (you're going through Suzan if nothing else) but Suzans assume their problems are paramount. And your convos with her are making you uncomfortable.
5. If Suzan is making work life truly unbearable for you - to the extent that you consider quitting - there's always the option of talking to Human Resources. Especially if you can take down notes of anything Suzan says that HR might deem too personal for everyday work conversation. If you're a good employee, your company will want to keep you, and they'll want to know if there's a disruptor in the office like Suzan. Abusers thrive in environments where victims feel that they "can't afford to make things unpleasant."

Some women view gay men as ever-cheery court jesters put on Earth for the amusement of straights, and as such at work we are sometimes confronted with a conversational tone lacking in professionalism. In their eyes we have the same one-dimensionality as the gay characters they've been exposed to television, and no woman's going to second-guess oversharing if she's the Karen Walker to our Jack MacFarlane.

Good luck, and please let Queer Abby know how it turns out!

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