What’s Going On With Pete Buttigieg And This Iowa Cockass?

 

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Iowa, you have shocked the nation. Tonight, an improbable hope became an undeniable reality. We are on our way to New Hampshire, on to the nomination, and on to chart a bold new course for our country. But only if you’re with me. If you can, please chip in. Link in bio.

A post shared by Pete Buttigieg (@pete.buttigieg) on Feb 3, 2020 at 11:16pm PST

Everyone and their Iowan daddy is talking about Pete Buttigieg and something called the Iowa Cockass, and, um, I want in much please? Apparently Iowans gather in barns and square dance halls across their state and huddle together in groups representing each of the Democratic candidates. The candidate with the most voters assembled in his/her barnyard throng wins. No word yet on where the titular "cockass" comes into play, but one can only imagine with those zany Iowans!

But for real tho. Pete Buttigieg and his obese dumper have been trudging up and down Iowa for a year campaigning for this exact moment, but as you probably know by now, there was a massive glitch in the app used to tally votes, and Iowa has still not reported the results of the Cockass. Iowa's Democratic Party leaders have vowed to get the results in by 5 p.m. today, but one wonders if an accurate clock exists in Iowa against which the party can keep this promise. Lol Iowa. We love ya!

The various well-financed campaigns have better intel than the state or even the media at this moment, and via innuendo and strategically-released numbers, we kinda sorta know that Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sander are likely to be the top two candidates from Iowa.

However Pete Buttigieg ruffled the feathers of Bernie Bros across this great frat house of ours when, during a speech, Pete preemptively declared that he emerged "victorious." You can see him defend this word choice here (keeping in mind that he and the other candidates have most likely not slept for well over 24 hours):

My poor boo bear and his azz are tired and hongry. Pete is getting slammed on Twitter for his victorious comment, but none of the candidates are currently exercising anything I would identify as humility or self-deprecation. In these confusing and embarrassing hours for the candidates, they're all faking it until they do or don't make it. Nonetheless, you can still find the hashtags #MayorCheat #PeteTheCheat, and #CIAPete trending on and off on Twitter:

And as if that wasn't enough excitement for Pete Buttigieg, an Iowan woman who gave Pete her card during voting (?) (maybe I don't understand this fucking stupid voting methodology) asked for it back after learning that he has a same-sex partner. the exchange was caught in this video, and is a good reminder that the opioid epidemic isn't sequestered to Ohio and Pennsylvania.

#PeteButtigieg precinct captain in rural Iowa responds to a caucus-goer flipping out upon learning that he has a same-sex partner. It’s a masterclass in patience, persistence, and love. Bravo @nikkiheever #IowaCaucuses #cresco #howardcountyiowa pic.twitter.com/PhX7vRFh8X

— Annabel Park (@annabelpark) February 4, 2020

Well, who wants to go to Iowa?