Piss Play, Brutalized Asses, And Truman Capote

Last week, we got some comment feedback that called the last edition of AsK The Old Whore "Too polite." Well, it's less polite this week--think you can handle it? Up next week: Human puppy training and FTM/M4M scenes.

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Yo- YOU R FUNNY. Are U a REAL Whor? HOW MUCH!??

Jezzus, Mary, why are you screaming? Your Old Whore is coming off a bender and I don't need some illiterate pervert ALL CAPPING in my ear right now. I got double-teamed by both Jack Daniels and Jim Beam last night so let's take this one slow. Yes, I'm a real old whore, but like my whore icon, Jacqueline Bissett Kennedy Onassis, I now restrict my work to aged oil tycoons and charity cases. Email me your 2007 tax return and we'll see which category you fall into.

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I'm into piss. Does that cost more?

Like a fine restaurant, anything ordered off menu will come at a premium. If you're on a budget, the trick is to find the boy who's into it. It's not a request a professional boy would be shocked by, but don't be surprised if he feigns horror just to jack up his rate. 20% on top of the regular hourly rate and a six-pack should close the deal. Look for thin boys. They can't hold their water. I remember being introduced to piss play as a young man. I had wandered into the pissoir at the legendary Adonis Theater here in NYC and wondered what the beer cans in the urinal were for. On cue, a husky drunkard in a Yankee jacket stumbled in, grabbed a can and chugged it down. And you queens are worried about roofies in your cosmo?

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I got a fuck buddy that I've been seeing for a few months. We are both bottoms and just get together to show off and watch each other brutalize our asses. Last time we hooked up I showed him my new Fleshlight and he was dying to try it. I said okay but I wanted him to use a condom. I had noticed a weird blister on his cock earlier that he claimed was from a waxing. He got insulted and called me a hypocrite. Was I wrong? I know the guy was a guest but he's a total whore.

You two are nasty; sitting around bumping pocketbooks like two ugly sisters on a Friday night. How sad. But you don't need me to tell you that. It's funny that the same queens who laugh at straight guys for lusting after silicone boobs are total slaves to silicone fuck holes. You'd think that the advances in the sexual sciences would have lead to something other than jerk off toys and men having babies. But now what to do about Herpes the Love Bug; you were out of line. Even if your buddy had a touch of the Simplex, you know it only takes a 1-10 bleach/water solution to disinfect the silicone sleeve of a Fleshlight. You should have let him use it and then put it aside. I'm sure you had other toys to entertain yourself with. I recommend that you get your hands on that male-bonding masterpiece, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten." That book is a classic on navigating the Fuck Buddy relationship. Just insert the word 'dildo' every time you see the word 'candy'.

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With Thanksgiving coming up, I wonder if anyone else has tried this: A couple of years ago, my mom had the turkey in the basement fridge for defrosting. I was back from college and looking at porn on my laptop and saw a clip of a guy fucking a turkey. It was really hot and the guy was naked and slamming away at the bird and making all these faces like it was great. It got me thinking about how great it would feel slipping my dick into the family dinner. It was an 18-pounder and mom had it in salt-water brine. I knew it was wrong but when I fingered the moist wet inside of the turkey it felt a lot like a loose asshole. I gently worked my two fingers into the crevice and then I felt some weird bones and shit so I gave up and humped the boneless ham instead.

Speaking of humping a boneless ham, Hugh Jackman as People's Sexiest Man Alive? Only if Jason Statham is dead and the only other man alive is Ellen.

Thank you for sharing this heartwarming holiday fable but as a well-read queer, I recognize this as the plot of an early Truman Capote story. Please do not send TOW plagiarized material. I apologize to my readers and wish them a tight, yet pleasantly stuffed, holiday.

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Previously: Ask The Old Whore Archive