Trannies, Tricks, And Those Nasty STDs

After a short break, The Old Whore has returned to answer all your pressing questions: tranny boys, tranny dads, and STDs. We'll be back in two weeks with even more.

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I met this guy online who was looking for a total top to work his ass like an Iraqi oil field. He is a butch cop type that is on the DL and comes by twice a week to take my fist and toys up his messy rosebud. I've been in so deep I got skid marks on my elbows. He loves getting fisted and says my small hands are the perfect size to fill up his asshole. Now he's looking to get fucked and I'm afraid to tell him that I'm not a biological male. Should I come clean and risk our relationship or should I keep up this façade and live with my secret??? Help!

Yeah, this is why I don't do women. Or FTM's. Or whatever. Give me a balding chub with nothing but a measly six-incher before you give me an emotionally invested top with monthly mood swings. This is an easy one. Tell him he isn't worth your giant, pussy-gagger of a meat stick. Slap him about the face with a big fat dildo until you give him a black eye and then step on his hands. Tell him you need to see his commitment to you before you let such a pathetic weasel have your Power Wand. (If this sounds familiar, you watch way to many German Electro torture videos.) Remember, being a top means never having to say I'm a woman.

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Hello! I'm a 50 years young man who loves scat. I often hire a charming twink boy who does the dirty for me on my glass covered coffee table. I don't actually like to get the goop on me, but love to watch it enter this world from a lovely pink exit hole! The sight of boo-boo's on my vintage William Haines wrought iron conversation table is enough to make me swoon! Sadly, the stink of my gentleman's chocolate train is also making me swoon. It seems this young man has a rather nasty diet of fast food and meth. I've tried to ply him with protein shakes and power bars, but all he ever wants is to poop, take his money and go. I don't want to stop hiring him, but I'm afraid his toxic turds will ruin the vintage patina! Suggestions?

You sound like a prince! William Haines, the brilliant queer designer who did interiors for divas like Joan Crawford and Carole Lombard, would love this impromptu use of his designs. I'm quite familiar with that table and I'm sure you needn't worry about the finish. If anything, I imagine that poop stains might raise its value on the secondary market. Just be sure to wipe it down after use. Now, the situation with the pooper scooter; I suggest you wait this out. I find that twinks on Meth tend to find their own way off the stuff. Making it an issue will just annoy him. Keep a supply of apples and bran muffins around to try and roto-rooter him out. Otherwise, just keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.

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Which is the STD that causes your junk to drip? I'm asking for a friend.

Contrary to popular belief, chlamydia is not Beyonce's little sister, but an annoying STD that causes a white/cloudy discharge. This is marginally different from gonorrhea, which while also producing a milky white discharge, is the name of a new cast member on the Real World Brooklyn.

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My dad, who was a dick when I came out, just announced that he will be living as a woman from now on. He alerted us that before we come to holiday dinner this year, we should be prepared to meet 'Joella', his long hidden female side. He also told us to skip buying him ties or boxers this year and sent us all a link to a clothing store for plus-sized women. Seems Dad likes baby dolls and wedgies, sizes 20 and 12, respectively. Am I wrong to want to bitch slap him up the head like he did me?

Be thankful he didn't tell you on Dr. Phil. I love those episodes where some late blooming CD drags a horrified family out on stage to show off his ass skimming mini dress and polyester wig. Sadly, we only have ourselves to blame. It's like gay republicans. We called for equal rights for all, not just the cute fags. Now, 20 years after Roseanne's big gay kiss, we got truckers putting down their 'Pretty Dollies' contact magazines and strutting their stuff on Tyra. And I guess it's our turn to be the bigger man about it. Embrace your Dad's twisted, misguided experiments in cross dressing. Fighting it only gives him more resolve and will result in him showing up at your favorite gay bar in a denim pants suit. Help find something tasteful, do his makeup, smile and act like it's no big deal. Remember when he ignored your body piercing stage? You came to your senses after a year or two and with only one major infection. Patience is a virtue so be a good boy and get your daddy some pearls.

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