Five Pornstars Who Could Have Founded the Nation

It's July 4th Weekend, where we celebrate the achievements of our nation's founding—romanticized by history and Hollywood as striking symbols of American manhood. Here are pornstars, past and present, with the dashing looks of the New England bluebloods who fought for our freedom to pursue happiness.

Steve Hammond
Picture Steve (above) dolled up in colonial garb strutting down the cobblestone streets of Boston circa 1775, making all the merry maidens (and a few sodomites) swoon. With the long face and distinguished chin Hollywood would easily have cast him as, say, Thomas Jefferson. In his days with Falcon, he had the commanding precense of a natural leader. Just watch Falcon classic "The Pledge Masters" to see this heart-stopping blond's expert leadership skills.

Bill Henson
Look at that face, and tell us he isn't one of the most handsome descendants from the likes of John Adams. Although on the young side when he did porn in the early 80s, he already displayed the classic features of American leadership, most notably in the classic "Sailor in the Wild" as a park ranger willing to grant sexual favors for a military boy toy. We're no linguistic expert, but his accent sounded pure Bostonian. "Would you like a beah?" he asks while pulling out a bottle. "What do we have heah?" With him in charge, the state of the union would be constantly erect.

Jack Wrangler
Jack is easily considered the hard pounding founding father of gay porn superstardom. Like Steve Hammond, we could easily see this mega-hung power performer strutting the streets of Philadelphia, making the menfolk clang their liberty bells. He's the first of the greats, the torch bearer, the leader, the George Washington of gay porn. Jack's teeth may not be wooden, but something on us sure is!

Tommy Cruise
The protruding, sharp jawline. The classic greek nose. The striking wide blue eyes. If little Tommy Cruise lived in the mid-1700s, he could have grown up to be president. As a minor level star back in the late 90s, he had the classic, elegant face that could stand in front of the congressional congress and deliver the most commanding of speeches, even if it were merely the alphabet.

Diesel Washington
It's 2011, and as one of the most dynamic and attention-grabbing pornstars today, Diesel could easily have captured the nation's imagination and lead them to horny liberty, and not because of his most patriotic of surnames. Of course, we're living in a fantasyland as if America was always a land of racial harmony. If it were, Diesel would have sauntered into Independence Hall and had every member of that initial congress down on their knees, lapping up his every word. Imagine what liberation the country would have seen! Happy 4th of July!