POLL: Which GOP Presidential Candidate Gives You Thirst

There are sixteen GOP presidential candidate creamsicles flopping around out there that need your attention. While their policies leave us flaccid, these bods have us on flood alert. Stand up for your man and VOTE for the hottest 2016 GOP contender now!

1) Donald “Comb-over-here-and-get-it-boys” Trump 

Party: Power Bottom

Signature Move: Tickles your piñata with his forehead feather duster until you explode.

This bad boy wants it good.

2) Rick "Sand-down-my-headboard" Santorum

 Party: Top

 Signature Move: Nibbles your ear with those adorable wind up toy teeth. Nom nom!  

Rick Scrotum-pleaser could cut you with that chiseled chin. 

3) Jeb Bush

Party: Power Top

Signature Move: Rubs his Texas-sized bush up and down your parched cactus.
 

They sure do grow em up big in Texas!  

4) Mike Fuckabee

 Party: Versatile

Signature Move: Spells out dirty words on your back with his self-tanner. You guess what they say while he munches your man muff.  
 

Teach us.

5) Bobby “Just-not-in-my-hair” Jizdal

Position: Power Bottom

Signature Move: Likes to be jizzed on while he coifs his dreamy mane. 

Since Jizdale is from Louisiana, we’re assuming he’s a sexy vampire. Turn us! 

6) Rand “Handy Randy” Paul

Party: Bottom

Signature Move: Kentucky crop duster.

That hair! That smile! The heart wants what it wants, and we want this southern sweetie to sit on our face.

7) Marco “Rub-me-raw” Rubio

Party: Bottom

Signature Move: Comes up with good campaign slogans while you come on his face.  
 

Cuban American cutie with a major bootie? Dead. 

8) Lindsey “Damn-those-eyes-tho” Graham 

Party: Top

Signature Move: Sprinkles his Graham cracker crumbs on you face, then licks them off on by one. Trust us, you’ll be wanting s’more.
 

Want. Want now. 

9) Chris Chris-tease

Party: Top

Signature Move: Scowls at you until you explode.
 

This tease knows how to please. 

10) Ben “The-doctor-will-spray-you-now” Carson

Party: Versatile

Signature Move: Takes your temperature with his dick.  
 

Doctor, we need a prostate slam, we mean exam (we mean slam).

11) Not-your-average-John Kasich

Party: Bottom

Signature Move: Comb each other’s hair while touching tips
 

“OH-HI-O” – You as you come on his crack.

12) George “The-more-the-merrier” Bukaki Pataki

Party: Bottom

Signature Move: Drenched.

Best political rally eva.

13) Dick Perry

Party: Power Top

Signature Move: Lets you try on his glasses while he watches your blurred form suck off his Perry big dick.
 

Call me. 

14) Hottie Scottie Walker

Party: Power Bottom

Signature Move: Whatever. You. Want. It. To. Be.
 

Wants you Wiscons-in his butt. 

15) Ted "Cream-me" Cruz

Party: Top

Signature Move: You give him a Canadian cum canister rub down. 

Dead.

16) Jim "Gimme-more" Gilmore

Party: Versatile

Signature move: The "Virginia is for Shovers"
 

Wet.

TAKE YOUR DRENCHED SELVES TO THE POLLS AND VOTE NOW