2,000 Year Old Roman Dildo Found, And Can We Just say… DAMN!

An artifact from the Roman Empire was found in Northern England, and its use is now being reconsidered. Originally found 30 years ago, the 6.3-inch (or a Grindr 8.5") wooden object was found at the remains of the Vindolanda Roman fort. Three decades later, researchers now think there's a very good chance that this was actually a wooden dildo.

As written in the Cambridge University Press, researchers have 3D mapped the wooden object that shows markings/wear marks consistent with how this would have been gripped, and which parts had the wear. Antiquity experts at Newcastle University and University College Dublin think that the patterns of wear are consistent with other "stone and metal phalli" sex toys of the time, which were incredibly common.

Modern research demonstrates that people of different sexual orientation, age, and gender use dildos differently. A specific usage of the Vindolanda phallus would explain the greater wear to one side of the tip.

— Dr Rob Collins, FSA (@duxBritanniarum) February 20, 2023

When you look at it, you also can't help that it very clearly looks like a dick, right down to the carved-out fireman helmet head. Dr. Rob Collins, one of the co-authors of the study, described the dildo as “carved from fresh ash roundwood, with a wide, cylindrical base bearing a convex end, narrower shaft, and a terminal shaped to depict the glans.”

The area surrounding the Vindolanda fort is famous for its ability to preserve objects that would normally decompose with the elements. Dr. Rob Sands, one of the co-authors of the research, said the "particular conditions—in northern Europe normally in dark, damp, and oxygen-free deposits" are what preserved the wooden phallus. Collins told the Daily Mail that “If the object is a sex toy, we believe it could be the oldest example from Britain.” Oooh, maybe this is where the term "stiff upper lip" comes from! ;-)

Also worth noting is that Vindolanda Fort is close to Hadrian’s Wall, which is named after Emperor Hadrian, who was famously one of the gayest emperors in the history of the Roman empire, which is saying something!

 
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