Sex, Money, Power: Advocating for the Ethical Treatment of Sex Workers.

August 24, 2022
EDDIE DANGER

An outline of potentially abusive power structures in the architecture of independent sex work

During my tenure as a full-time stripper, I dated a millionaire who was almost twice my age and cheating on his husband. I could have been perceived as a “sugar baby,” from a certain point of view. It was amateur hour for Eddie Danger, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, strippin’ for a livin’, just trying to get by. Gift-giving seemed to be his love language. Or maybe it was just a way to keep me quiet about the whole thing. He loved money. I didn’t have any. We would have a great week and then an awful week. But I was in no place to be looking that gift horse in the mouth. Some nights, he’d want to go out and ask me to take off work from dancing at the club. He’d compensate what I would have been making. Everything seemed like a regular cut-and-dry romance with him until one day when we were talking about our relationship, he turned to me and said: “Sex is all about power,” which I found quite illuminating.

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I attempted to understand the role of power in our sexual relationship. I don’t seem to recall BDSM being a part of our shared experience. However, I do recall questionable antics outside of the bedroom and decisions that were made for me that I had little say in. The power dynamic between us suddenly became obvious. He was an acting boyfriend to me (nothing serious, equal parts of this affair) and I was an unaware submissive to him (a struggling stripper, willing to overlook obvious abusive tendencies). My biggest takeaway from that relationship is that a sincere support system also enables self-sufficiency. There were several times that the millionaire could have enabled me to improve my station in life, but those never came to pass. Dependance can easily become entrapment. Entrapment leaves us vulnerable to those who have developed control over us.

There can be healthy roleplay dynamics that are fulfilling to everyone. A Sugar Daddy wants to provide for a Sugar Baby. A Sugar Baby wants to be provided for. Clean Cut. Itches Scratched. People often fetishize powerplay because it provides a therapeutic escape from their daily pursuit of authority. Sometimes, a Dom just needs to feel in control of something. A Dom may crave the feeling of dominating something manageable (like a human). It’s hard for some people to feel like an Alpha Dog outside of the confines of sexual intimacy. The world has a habit of making us all feel small and helpless. Similarly, it is totally normal for people to feel the urge to surrender their entire autonomy to their partner. Sometimes, being in control all the time gets to be exhausting. During sexual roleplay, the goal is to achieve total immersion into a fetishized role in a safe and ethical environment. Sex work is a form of roleplaying.

Dom/Sub roleplay becomes problematized once power dynamics, with objectives to control and dominate, begin to slip outside of the confines of consensual sexual roleplay. In a consensual Dom/Sub roleplay relationship, the parameters of the roleplay dynamic are clearly defined. There are limits. It is important to keep roleplay behavior within the realm of consent. Maintaining an honest power dynamic with your partner will ensure that everybody feels comfortable speaking up if things start to get out of hand. Silenced people cannot revoke consent and they can’t give it either (this includes “persuasion”- the dirty word).

Further examining the exploitation of social authority in live sex work, it is a stripper’s full-time job to manage the distribution of power to their customers. Whether you like it or not, the strip club regular is more of a part of the club than the dancers. The consistency of their appearance in the club validates their importance to the environment of the club. Regardless of how anybody feels about it, the stripper must maintain a consistent working relationship with regular customers. This is a day-to-day paycheck. The power dynamic is salesmanship. The fear is that you will fall out of favor with a consistent support system. Customers will often use this anxiety to get closer to the stripper (or staff) outside of the “secure” confines of the strip club establishment. We should all be aware that we are selling tangibility. The onus is on the dancer to set hard limits on accessibility because boundaries will certainly be tested.<

I’ve worked in clubs where known rapists trolled around, enabled by their ability to spend lots of money every time they’d come in. I often hear reports of assault inside strip clubs. The enforcement of security measures is often seen as a luxury. Its negligence can be granted.

“It’s fine. They Spend Money. Try to be extra friendly to them. They’re important.”

Strip club security guards spend all their time trying to fuck the strippers anyway. They’re useless to begin with. But the negligence of adequate security can also be pointed. Best not to piss anybody off. Managers oversee scheduling the dancers’ shifts. Best not to piss them off either. The power to manipulate working conditions is often exploited to control people. It is important to maintain awareness of what is going on within the power structure of any division of the sex industry that a model works in. When a colleague speaks up about abuse, take them seriously, even if things seem off. The management of abuse reports should be noted and discussed

Another important component of the powerplay of tangibility extends beyond the lap dances and arranged appointments. The parasocial relationship between sex worker and patron is complicated. The sex worker must deliver fantasy while maintaining an air of authenticity. Since we are in the age of social media porn influencer, the sex worker is a representative of their brand. The power of access becomes a tiered monetary structure. The patron pays for varying measures of access to the sex worker. At the bare minimum, the basic social media presence of a sex worker transcends the boundary between the public and private life (sex worker persona vs. citizen of the world). The sex worker is subject to 24/7 availability by way of direct messaging and public posts. Facebook even allows people to call your phone directly from the messenger app. I’ve had days where my phone would not stop ringing until I deleted the Facebook massager app completely. The sex worker is no longer intangible. The sex worker is at your fingertips. The sex worker must now maintain a fragile balance between availability and exclusivity to entice patrons to support their work.

Watch me get fucked by a dude who really shouldn’t talk to bottoms before he fucks them. Completely socially unaware....

See this and more at:https://t.co/q8Se7RjIPF pic.twitter.com/pTdIR4mPx9

— Eddie Danger (@eddiedangerous) August 18, 2022

From conversations with patrons, I’ve gathered that a model’s success is encouraged, but within limits. The model is encouraged to do well (but not too well). For example: A stripper posts a photo of their stacks of money after a night of hard work. An OnlyFans model poses, plumped up from fresh filler, sporting designer clothes, looking stunning beside their personal automobile farm.

Are these posts received with respect or does the unabashed display of wealth shift the power dynamic too much? I often wonder if the consumer is driven by sympathy or a sincere adoration of the model. Do people need to feel charitable satisfaction when they provide their support to a sex worker? Is it ok for models to display their wealth? Some patrons fancy their sex workers to be financially unstable, while some members of their audience will assume that the model is thriving (perhaps incredibly well) and will no longer feel compelled to financially support them in the future. Just another single in a mountain of hundreds.

I believe that audiences want their models to succeed, but quietly, and tangibly. There’s the perception of a balanced power dynamic between the model and the patron. That sweet spot is where we comfortably enjoy a symbiotic relationship. The porn star maintains an active and positive relationship with their audience, or else they will be lost to the sands of time.

Since a social media presence is key to maintaining our revenue stream, power structures exist the same way they do in all other social media hierarchies. The economy of social media is a bounty of followers and a consistently high engagement. People with large followings are considered powerful. They have the power to lift others who may not be as successful. They also have the power to put people on blast. The fear of public humiliation tends to keep people in line, but that also means that some people will inevitably weaponize it to intimidate the people in their lives who lack a comparable social media strength with the ever-present threat to inflict damage to the health of their brand. I’ve seen small, but bold voices blacklisted for standing up to giants.

My https://t.co/gINomwbQDg page is where it's at, and I just got a new subscriber! https://t.co/rLSGhpkN19 pic.twitter.com/PtbDBDRQUS

— Eddie Danger (@eddiedangerous) August 16, 2022

I’ve intentionally brought us to the topic of social media because it seems as if open communication transcends the repressive nature of money. Money talks, but so do sex workers. The reality of sex work is that it can be dangerous. The more we can frankly discuss the unfortunate realities of an underrepresented career field, the easier it will be to dismantle abusive power structures and educate our customers on the absolute pleasure of consensual and ethical sex life and the very best way to enjoy our product (guilt-free and consensually). Sex work, where all parties participate ethically (within the boundaries of consent) hardly feels like work. If you want to patronize a sex worker, follow the proper channels and do the right thing. Everyone walks away satisfied.

Who knows! If you treat that stripper like a human who showed up to work, perhaps they’ll fall in love with you for being a reasonable human who respects boundaries. Perhaps a consensual power-play in the bedroom can feel authentic, over and over again, leaving behind no broken hearts, and everyone smiles at the end of the day, ready for more next time (without trauma or PTSD). There are healthy ways to be sadistic that serves a masochist just the same. People are into all sorts of fetishes. If you look, you’ll find the lid to your pot- or someone who would happily scratch your itch for a reasonable price.

Communication is key. Go open a door with it. Communicate your desires and offer something in return. Strike a deal. Find a balance. We all want to feel good. A great sexual experience is all about communicating your desires to a person willing to satisfy them. Great sex is all about communication.