In the movie Knocked Up, the characters are starting a website that documents all of the great nude scenes in movies. Alas, I simply cannot get knocked up, and I assure you it’s not for a lack of trying! Seeing as how Knocked Up is therefore ENTIRELY fictitious, I figured I’d bring some reality by way of a list of my favorite nude scenes in movies and TV.
Up first is without a doubt Gaspard Ulliel’s nude scene in Saint Laurent. Gaspard has been my number one celebrity crush for the last 15 years, which made it even sadder for me when we lost him last month to a skiing accident. Aside from being an amazing, award-winning actor, Ulliel was also a physical specimen of absolute beauty. If you want to see him in all his impressively full glory, check out Saint Laurent; it’s worth the subtitles. REP, mon beau.
Next we have Mehcad Brook’s sex scene in True Blood. Although I wasn’t the biggest fan of this show’s overacted style, it was full of beautiful talent. None more so than Mehcad Brooks. I was freshly out of the closet when I first saw this show/scene, and whew what an impact it had on me. Mehcad has only gotten even more gorgeous as the years have gone on, most recently starring in last year’s Mortal Kombat. He's also a great IG follow if you're looking for a good balance of thirst + depth.
I may not have been alive in the '70s, but goddammit if people like Ryan Phillippe were at Studio 54 I would have been there 7 nights a week. In 1998’s 54, we see a brief montage where Phillippe’s Shane O’Shea waking up from various sexual escapades (including one very sexy nameless man), we see him get up and head to the bathroom. The scene is brief but it was burned into my horny, closeted mind. I was 13 when I saw this movie, and that was the day I knew I was vers. That ass was perfection. Though an initial box office flop, he years have helped the film to become not only a cult classic, but a specifically Queer one. Before the hands of studio execs touched the film, the original movie shot was a gritty Queer exploration of a NYC scene that would make Caligula blush, including a make-out scene between Phillippe and Breckin Meyer that ended up on the cutting room floor. As long as it involves more Phillippe ass then I am very here for it.
A Clockwork Orange
Taking us back a few decades, the threesome scene in Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange is just one of the greatest scenes in film ever. Set to the William Tell Overture, the scene was sped up so they looked like silly little rabbits fucking in double-time (triple?), a mocking of typical hyper-stylized slow sex motifs in film. Shot over almost half an hour, but sped up to 1 minute, we get to see loads of Malcolm's dowell. We love a British banger! Seeing something so hot and so funny at the same time was revolutionary for young me. This movie is another of the many reasons I love Kubrick.
Listen... if there's one thing gays love, it's kink. If there's another thing we love it's well-hung Italian men during the Great Depression. I know, it's super specific. But EVERY gay man on Earth loves well-hung Italian men during the Great Depression. I don't know what to tell ya. #ShrugEmoji. And back before we were able to simply plug in and get off, well... we simply had to get off. Cue, Bobby Cannavale in Boardwalk Empire fucking a woman while a belt to the bedpost chokes him in some good ole fashioned autoerotic asphyxiation. What ensues is a bloody shootout (because duh) amongst gangsters, which leads to Daddy Cannavale walking around shooting his gun, belt still around his neck, dick that could wrap around a twink's waist.
Bi-Bonus: He Got Game
My bonus choice is going to come as a surprise, but will hopefully be a delight for any of our lesbian and bi readers: the threesome scene in Spike Lee’s He Got Game. Clearly 2008 was a formative year for my love of naked bodies in movies. When this movie came out I was freshly post-puberty and still fascinated by women. After all… they had things I didn’t! How exciting?! And a threesome? Well, I certainly knew what sex was, but as far as my 13 year-old self was concerned, a threesome was a level of hedonism I hadn’t seen since Pinocchio went to Pleasure Island. Sexy Ray Allen starring as basketball phenom Jesus is treated to a threesome with two gorgeous, and large-breasted blonde twins as a way to incentivize him to go to a specific school. As one equally-hormonal friend of mine said at the time, “They’re like volleyballs!” Young Tommy rewound the VHS I recorded of this movie more times than I can count.
Cybersocket—Plug In. Get Off. Questions? Comments? Email us at [email protected].