Bottom Of The Box Porn: “Prison Fuckers”

Here's the second installment of our new review feature in which we let our resident porn sleuth DS Dave run riot through our screener pile to find the hidden gems we might have overlooked. After all, who knows what treasure lies buried amongst all those unread press releases and unopened DVDs?

Unfortunately, it turns out that some titles wound up at the bottom of our box for a reason. But if your idea of a hot prison fuck flick involves things like frosted tips, landscaped pubes, and overly polite blowjob requests ... well, it just might turn out to be a hidden treasure for you instead.

Read our review of Studz Productions' "Prison Fuckers" after the jump.

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Prison Fuckers

Studz Productions, 2006

Directed by Vlado Iresch

Starring Bill Brown, Billy Jay, Chris Rosso, Erik Lenn, Gevin Favre, Kevin Zahn, Ladislav Bohar, Michail Asky, Nicolas Corsi, Nicolas Santos, Nikolas Corby, Ridge Carry, Rocky Sommers, Sanchez Viva, Tom Nowy

Review by DS Dave

Much like Johnny Cash did, I have a day job that has afforded me the opportunity to see the inside of a real prison firsthand once or twice. Prison is a depressing and scary place, and nowhere near as sexy as years of watching "Oz" and "Night Court" may have led some of us to believe. So I certainly don't demand, expect, or even want absolute realism from a prison-themed porn movie. It's not like I'm hoping to see someone get jacked up with a plexiglass shiv or beaten down with a sock full of batteries.

That said, if you're going to make a prison-themed porn movie, then make a damn prison-themed porn movie. Grim reality aside, there are certain basic elements of a prison setting that just beg to be masturbated to: dangerous characters, communal showers, situational homosexuality, and turning some punk into your bitch. It seems pretty airtight and foolproof to this reviewer. So why do so many good prison pornos go so, so bad? Let's use Studz Productions' "Prison Fuckers" as a case study, shall we?

1. Men in prison, as a rule, do not have frosted tips. Nor do they shave their chests, landscape their pubes, blow-dry, or wear waist-length do-rags that look like a headscarf Cher might have sported during her 1974 Dark Lady tour. I'm not knocking any of these practices, I'm just saying they do tend to hinder one's suspension of disbelief.

2. When you're teaching the new guy on the cell block who's boss by gang-fucking him in the shower, finishing off by "letting him have a turn on top" sends mixed messages at best, and at worst is somewhat counterproductive. And as long as we're in the shower, if you're going to use the old "dropping the soap" gimmick, use soap. Maybe I'm nitpicking, but replacing the traditional bar of Dial with a bottle of eucalyptus bath gel from The Body Shoppe is a bit of an erection-killer.

3. While I'd like to think the original Czech dialogue in Prison Fuckers is a little spicier, a quick post-production once-over by a native english speaker might have prevented such unarousing subtitles as "Why are you so rude?" and "Yes! Now, lick it properly."

Bottom line: if you're looking for behind-bars material for the old Spank Bank, you'd be better off Netflixing yourself Papillon or Cool Hand Luke again. Paul Newman manages more sex appeal eating fifty hard-boiled eggs in an hour than the entire cast of Prison Fuckers can muster up in a full-on orgy. Taking it off, boss.

· "Prison Fuckers" (2006) (eurocreme.com)

· More "Prison Fuckers" Photos

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Previously: Bottom Of The Box Porn: "Harrassment At The Worksite"