How Not To Become A Fleshbot Commenter

All told we have things pretty good here at Fleshbot Central: we get paid to sit around all day eating bonbons while a dedicated army of Brazilian beach babes and Hungarian muscle twinks give us foot massages and refill our crystal goblets with Tab Energy Drink and vodka to keep us blogging for you from the crack of dawn (-ish) to the wee hours of the morning. The hardest part of the job, however, is the constant crap we get from our fellow Gawker Media drones colleagues over our lack of commenter staying power; not that we want end up like those Deadspin guys, mind you, but it does get a little lonely around here sometimes (Brazilian beach babes and Hungarian muscle twinks notwithstanding) and we're tired of bragging about how smart our readers are without the proof to back it up. However, we realize that some of you new kids are having trouble getting your foot in the door and we want to help cure your CD (comment dysfunction.)

Read more about what you can do to make your Fleshbot experience even more enriching than it already is ... and read some of the comments that made our Magic Rainbow Comment Bunny cry after the jump.

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Our comments policy is very simple. First, give yourself a user name and a password. Then say what you have to say. Every first-time comment is sucked through teh tubes to our underwater IP farm, where it is read by an adorable little bunny who lives inside our databases and eats rainbows for breakfast. If the bunny is pleased by your offering, your username, password, and comment are approved and you're now free to speak anytime you want, on any Gawker Media site. (You will also remain completely anonymous, even to us.)

Here's the thing, though: the bunny does not like silly, pointless, or generally uninteresting comments. In other words, you gotta bring something to the table. It's hard to say exactly what it takes to get your comment approved—let's just say we know a good comment when we see one—but it's much easier to pinpoint the strategies that are virtually guaranteed to keep you on the wrong side of the velvet rope.

So we've broken them down for you here, so that you will stop wasting your bandwidth trying to concoct the 547th iteration of that old chestnut, "I'd hit it." If you're reading Fleshbot, it is assumed that you "love girls," "love cock," "love sexxxxx," and/or "like to fuck," so it isn't really necessary for you take time out of you busy schedule to fill out a comment form and tell us that fact.

Other failed tactics include (these are all actual submitted comments, by the way):

Reverse discrimination:

i love australian fat hairy

i like japanese girl.. and eant to know more

Too much biographical information, bragging, and/or threats:

I have been known by other names though "the PORN SMUCKLER" resonates soundly in my loins. I am a small titty, ass lovin, shaved pussy eatin', g-spot gushin', best goddamn lay your old lady ever had fuck her mother fucker... I am also a generous lover. I am a gentleman and I can play nice. I will take this oppourtunity to tell the bot that I am sexy. I am a sexy creature. I am a sexy creature and I love to lick pussy. How original... comedy is not pretty. beotch best be approvin for I dun slap the shit outta you. Thank you for the oppourtunity and I hope you enjoy this audition. It does come easy when there are no parameters to follow.

Smelling desperate:

i really love 2 see sexy ass balloons bouncing and i will do anything 4 anybody o cam

Stating the obvious:

i wand to see spreading milky boob

Hi...I enjoy watching huge loads of cum expolding from a hot cock. It really turns me on and provides me with much pleasure.

Um ... huh?:

Panty fetish...... Is this a region that requires more Attendance. If a technique, for the validation of online purchases, of freshly appointed panties........

Impugning the character of Adriana Lima:

just so you guys know, that is ms. Lima, at 2 a.m. after a photoshoot and about 6 vodka/cranberry's and some extasy...dont ask me how i know...but i do

Trying too hard (all from the same person over an 11-minute span):

02:09 PM very good
02:10 PM thank you
02:11 PM you are a best
02:11 PM sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
02:17 PM Logout
02:18 PM help me
02:20 PM thank you very muq fleshbot you are a best in the world
02:20 PM sock my dick

Repeating yourself:

11:42 AM love to be sucked love to fuck love to be loved
11:43 AM Love to be loved Love to fuck Love to be sucked

Shouting, failing to open your eyes:

IWNAT TO SEE SOME WOMEN WHITH OUT DRESSOR NUDE

Falling asleep on your keyboard:

hy
i want 2 be membar to theis blog
okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Requesting special treatment:

Send me more great hot stuff--Thanks LOADS

Conducting your own private blog:

Only tonight. This is what she said after she looked me up and down. I glimpsed her eyes squinting at my crotch. She needed to know if I could provide her with what she longed for.

Trolling for dates, especially with the people we're writing about:

i need a soul mate any body Intrested should email me

hi pretty one,
how r u at first i hope u r fine with good health and happy life and i wonder if we can get in touch with strong relationship here coz i am so admired with ur profile
with my love
[redacted]

hiiiiiiii
i have to fuk you

Monday morning quarterbacking:

Close ups should be at cunts and Phallus to make it more arousing. also use more lighting.

Reverse psychology:

Wow. its a nice way of maintaining the quality of ur site. hey buddy i m commentator by birth. i can comment on thing. Even upon ur incompetence without perturbing ur self esteem. let me in

Being too young to be here (seriously, go away!):

Britney, I have seen your pic of your croch,(even though I'm 12) I still think that's inapropiat, but cool. Can you send me more?

So there you go. Now get in there and make that bunny smile!*

· Fleshbot Comments 101: Yes, This Means You

*The IT guys have explained to us that the magic bunny is actually Intern Kaila, who helped compile these wonderful gems. She has never eaten a rainbow, but she once gave a leprechaun the finger.