True Blood’s Season Premiere Was Basically An Hour Of Homoerotic Wish-Fulfillment

Bill: I'll take that shower now…unless you care to join me. Sam: ...Yeah, I think I would. Bill: Good. We'll have a nice time. I hear the water in Arkansas is…very hard. This thing was better than a million fan-fics.

Of course, from the second Bill enters Sam's dingy Arkansas motel room we could tell that something was up. Maybe it's the fact that Bill hasn't been done up to look this sexy since season 1, or the fact that Bill and Sam have about as little reason to be alone in the same scene right now as the fabulously badass Lafayette and Sookie's dead grandmother. Either way, from the moment that Sam started stripping down with Bill ogling his beefy chest and uttering a lascivious "nice," we knew this had to be one of those fantastic dream sequences that Alan Ball became known for back in his Six Feet Under days. This is probably for the best. Had this scene reached its logical conclusion (or, uh, climax) we would have probably ended up in the hospital. Cardiac arrest or chronic masturbation or some such.

But don't think this is the only nod that Ball gave to the show's legion of man-hungry fans. Not only did we get this heart-stopping cock tease of a dream sequence, but two—count ‘em—two of the sexiest men on the show got to show off their perfectly tight, pinch-worthy butts.

Here's Eric approaching Sookie after a supernatural sex scene that could have been ripped straight from a particularly well-styled clip of Straight Guys for Gay Eyes.

And here's Jason Stackhouse struggling to get an erection in front of two slutty college co-eds.

Sure, his cock is probably being weighed down by his conscience (the character did shoot someone in the head at the end of season 2), but we're gonna hold out hope that this is building up to a mid-season sexual identity crisis.