If You Don’t Buy Us These Gifts For Our Birthday, You Are A Horrible Person

And you're going to get it for us, right? Well, the big day is tomorrow and we're turning a number that is not divisible by 69. No birthday is good without presents so we thought we'd make a little registry.

We already got the Marco Blaze dildo in the mail (thanks Titan!) but it's so huge we don't know how we're going to get it up our ass. That's why we thought we'd compile a list for all the other nice people who want to send us things. We don't want them getting it wrong! Feel free to make your own suggestions for what you're going to send us in the comments. And if you just get a boner everyday when you're reading our insane scribblings, well, that's present enough.

A Sling: We ask for this every year, and we never get it. We don't even need a real sling like Jeremy Hall has here. We'll take just getting fucked in one. Is that really too much to ask? Doesn't someone have one they could lend us? Come on, it's our birthday!

Junior Stellano: We don't need him for a lifetime, just one night. OK, not even a night. Once we got him naked and ran our hands against his hard, hairy body, we'd probably come in our pants, so that will take what, like five minutes? You can probably get him to do that for like $20!

Workout with Scott Herman: You know we watch this former "Real World" star's shirtless workout videos all the time but usually there's only one thing we're pumping, and it's not iron. Scott's a trainer and it would be great to actually get some real advice from him in a gym instead of, you know, just starring at his ass while he does squats. But when he wears shorts like these, he makes it real hard!

Jacks in a Can: It's a Fleshjack jerk-off toy that looks like a soda can! Mostly we want one because this picture reminds of that "Don't you wanna, wanna Fanta" soda commercial you see before a movie at the cinema, but also so that our cleaning lady stops asking us what that big plastic thing next to our bed is.

A Ceasar Love Machine: Hello, it's pink and it fucks you! What more could any gay boy want?!

Suspension Bondage: We saw this last week on Bound Gods and immediately thought, "Yes, sir. We want to be hung in the air by an elaborate system of ropes and fucked." We'll even buy the ticket to San Francisco to go to Kink.com's headquarters if you'll pay the rope tier to make it happen.

A Rob Clarke Clown Picture: You think clowns are creepy? Well, fuck you. It's our birthday and if we want to lust after clowns, we will. Especially if they're the crazy hot muscle studs drawn by Rob Clarke. We wish one of them would show up at our birthday party tonight, but if they can't, we'll settle for Junior Stellano.