Five Things That Really Turn Young Boys Gay

When speaking at a convention of right-wing yahoos this weekend some politico said that all porn, even straight porn, turns boys gay. That's such a lie. We know what turns boys gay, and it's right there under their noses.

Michael Schwartz, the chief of staff for Sen. Tom Coburn, said that all porn would turn an eleven-year-old gay because it turns desire inward and makes them gay. That's such a crock of shit. Here is what turns kids to the homo lifestyle.

1. UFC Fighting: Hot muscle dudes beating the crap out of each other and writing around together all sweaty. You would think this would be the butchest of butch activities, but these fighters are one pair of shorts away from buttfucking.

2. Action Movies: Action movies have long been a great place to find hot, buff guys with their clothes off. The tradition goes all the way back to Stallone prowling the jungle with abs of steel in "Rambo" and the future Governator time traveling naked in "Terminator." Now we have Jason Statham, who hates shirts as much as he hates bad guys, and Gerard Butler and his other homoriffic warriors in "300." Totally queer.

3. Underwear companies: 2(x)ist and all the other brands with letters and numbers and weird parenthesis convert boys with a combination of hot naked guys and fashion. As if one wasn't enough to turn a kid, the combination is too much for a hormone-riddled mind to handle, especially in the face of such opposition as David Beckham's crotch. Shit, it turned us gay all over again!

4. "Twilight": Now, 11 year old boys may not be into the vampire phenomenon, but their female sisters and classmates certainly know all about it. We don't know anything about it other than that the cast is full of hot guys like this Kellan Lutz here. One minute young boys are learning about the characters to impress a lady friend, the next, they're jerking off to shirtless pictures of the cast. That's how they get you, with all those bare, beautiful man bosoms.

5. Men's Health: This magazine is gayer and dirtier than a Liza Minelli drag queen getting butt fucked on a Pride float. And any kid can just walk into a store and buy one. It's even worse than porn, cause it's everywhere. Thank god we have a recruitment agent as savvy as this one.