“Blue Collar Battles 2”: Like “Electric Boogaloo”, Without The Ollie And Jerry Soundtrack

May 23, 2008
STURTLE

We used to get excited about Fridays. Not so long ago, Fridays were a wafer-thin, eight-hour line that stood between us and 48 hours full of beer busts, hookups, and shame walks. And when a Friday abutted a holiday weekend like this one does, our excitement increased by 33.334%.

Now, of course, we're a little jaded. Beer busts only mean more offerings to the evil elliptical machine gods; we've hooked up with every willing participant in a fifty mile radius; and those walks of shame would just ruin our new sandals (which we will never call "mandals" because we are not living on "Gossip Girl"). Furthermore, it's hot and sticky outside--and totally not in a good way--so we're just planning on staying indoors and watching porn all weekend anyway. Hmph.

Apparently, the cover models for On Top Productions' "Blue Collar Battles 2" feel exactly the same way. Look at those bitter, bitter mugs: do you see any joy left in them? Any thrill of the hunt? No, these men have been beaten down by a week of insensitive Brazilian waxers and sketchy johns, and now they don't even have the energy to enjoy hammering the crap out of each other.

But then, part of the problem might be their attire. Check out this pic of our guys in (kind of) a huddle. Look at the inferior wrestling gear they've been given! Who on earth could be expected to throw down in flip-flops? Those may be fine for the White House, but not for the mat. Poor things.

And then there's the questions of the space. Where the hell are they supposed to be? A locker room? A low-rent hotel lobby? Someone's garage? The fight settings in Soul Calibur make more sense. Who wouldn't be a little grumpy given such a perplexing milieu?

But most of all, we think these models are sad because they've been had. The anonymous director doesn't seem to care about their real-world experience as blue collar Eroto-Wrestlers©, using them as mere eye candy to sell his own erotic videos. It's the same tranny shame Christian Siriano must have felt as he surveyed the Bluefly Accessory Wall--and it is one of Life's Little Ironies that it took an ostensibly butch production like "Blue Collar Battles 2" to allow us to feel his pain.