Okay But For Real This Time, How Is This New K.J. Apa Scene Not Gay Porn?

The CW is coming for Bromo and no one's talking about it except for me! Weight of the world. Get off my damn shoulders! It's now a prerequisite on Riverdale that any shirtless scene with quarter-Samoan faux-ginger creamboat K.J. Apa starts like gay porn. In this clip from the latest episode titled The Stranger, Apa can be seen just minding his shirtless business in the locker room when the equally buff Charles Melton storms in to chastise him with:

You got some pretty big coconuts pulling that kind of stunt last night.

To which Apa replies:

Well how about I unload them on your bitch face.

JK he doesn't say that. But it's implied! The music, the camera work, the acknowledgment of Apa's coconuts, and - not to be a h8er because you KNOW that's not me  - the acting all make this like the best gay porn ever! Thank God that when I was in middle school all I had to watch on the CW was dick-shrinking Felicity, because if I had been privileged to Riverdale, I would have exploded in my parent's living room. WELL, if you like gay porn, you'll like this!

Head HERE to see the full scene in a frankly breathtaking blog post I wrote at Mr. Man!