The old wives tale that men think about sex every seven seconds sure holds true for this week’s Shirtless Celebrity Roundup. Stumbling upon bare-chested Elijah Woods and Ryan Phillippe sure won’t have us thinking about crocheting. Let’s flip through the celebs and see what’s the first thing to pop into our brains.
First Thought: Licking those ab grooves.
Dancing man Harry Shum Jr. of “Glee” naturally needs a solid core. He reveals several juicy morsels is his interview with DA Man Magazine (or is it pronounced “da man?”). Although full Chinese, his first language is Spanish! Love it! His favorite film is “Singin’ in the Rain” and his favorite place to party is Mykonos, Greece. Musicals and Mykonos? Draw your own conclusions, fellas.
Gael Garcia Bernal get shirtless in this mind-gouging trailer for the rom-com “A Little Bit of Heaven.” We’d post the trailer here, but you’d go into epileptic shock listening to Kate Hudson. She plays a woman dying of cancer who falls in love with her doctor, Señor Bernal. There’s even a ridiculous scene where she’s in Heaven—yes, Heaven—getting the run down by angel Whoopi Goldberg. Angels gotta be all sassy and shit now, you know. With the exception of the delightful looking Gael Garcia, “A Little Bit of Heaven” looks like a whole lotta Hell.
First Thought: Marry Us
It has nothing do with sex, but we fall instantly in love with any Hollywood celebrity who decides to come out. Sean Maher of “The Playboy Club” and “Firefly” recently came out and the gay media sent him garlands of love. On this season’s “Playboy Club” he plays a member of the Mattachine Society. Drat!—he’s already pigeonholed into playing gay. Double drat!—in real life he’s already partnered for nine years with two kids! *Sigh*
David A. Gregory, Nicolas Robuck, and Lenny Platt play the Ford Brothers on recently cancelled soap opera legend “One Life to Live.” Never seen the show, but glad we’re seeing these three hunks lounging about a steam room on the verge of fulfilling our bathhouse orgy fantasy.
Good God, David A. Gregory! Let us drink that water straight off your body and we’d be more than happy with the one life we live.
First Thought: Please please just show us your dick.
Having been hopelessly in love with Ryan Phillippe since his own days on “One Life to Live,” we’ve long been dying for his leaked full-frontal to make its way to our hard drive. He may be chillin’ poolside there, but we want him naked beside us here. Ryan just show us already, you sexy tease!
First Thought: Follow that adonis belt to Heaven.
Who’s this dude? He’s Aussie actor Lincoln Lewis who at the age of 23 stars in down under soap operas. His current project is a TV crime drama called “Underbelly: Razor.” Under his belly sounds right, gurlfriend. *Snap!*
First Thought: Suckling those nipples.
Grant Gustin plays new gay boy on “Glee,” the worst most adored TV show in history. His character’s gonna fuck up the love between Kurt and Blaine, alright. Gustin comes from the the-aye-tre, hence this backstage shirtless shot taken with the world’s favorite retro photo shooter, Instagram—because humanity is sick of hi-def color corrected realness.
Damn, Jamie Bell looks damn hot in this still from the film “Retreat.” All those damn tattoos and battle wounds. And those damn cheekbones and perfectly styled hair. He may look like a twinky bottom, but we bet he’s all powertop!
First Thought: Cuddletime!
Awww…no matter how hard he tries, Elijah Wood can’t look anything but adorably cuddly—not even with lecherous words scrawled on his chest in a photo made to look pulled from the fading porn stash of a Civil War veteran. (We have no clue what this photo is for, by the way. Do you, darling readers?) The more furrowed his brow, the more we want to squeeze and kiss and cuddle him. Awww…