IT'S LIKE THE GIANT COCK OF LESBIAN DOOM

When the Mr. Marcus Vac-U-Lock Cock and Harness came in the mail, I was fucking floored. That's one huge cock. I showed it off around Castle Incognito and that's all anyone could say. Then, when I showed it to my assistant, Terra...she wasn't having it. I told her that we have to review it and she caved. That's when I got to find out what she looks like with a dick.

MR. MARCUS LIVES IN YOUR GIRL'S PANTS

Terra really got into wearing the cock and harness around. The dog (Canus Incognitus) thought the fake dick was a chew toy and kept trying to jump on her. Needless to say, the dog was kicked out of the room and the action began. Terra slipped the toy off and we strapped it numerous things. I know what you're thinking. Why didn't you get another girl?

Well, Terra isn't that adventurous and I don't feel like pussy hunting for anyone outside of myself. It's hard to trick one girl into this shit, going for two? Well, that's just risking trouble. After two hours, Terra tired herself out. The fake cock was a success and the balls helped to keep the device in place.

CHECK OUT THE BALLS ON THAT THING

The giant fake balls molded after Mr. Marcus provided excellent design to the fake cock. The balls make a stabilizing force on the pubis of the strapper or device that the fake cock has been connected. Making a flat area to pivot and thrust allows for the fuckee to ride the cock with great vigor. Kudos to Doc Johnson on this excellent build. This will go down as one of the best toys of the year.

IT'S NOT PUFFY PAINT!

The Doc Johnson powder that comes with the Harness and Cock is deceptively small. It's also packaged in this weird container resembling a puffy paint applicator. Terra is a pretty smart girl, but for some reason she thought it was puffy paint. Thus, she grabbed the contained too hard and an accident happened. Doc Johnson needs to make this containers a little less idiot friendly and clearly label them. It's really hard to clean up fake cock powder lube.

HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR MOGWAI

The cock and harness have lots of parts, but the assembly doesn't take that long. Just make sure to keep all the parts out of the reach of prying hands. If you're a fatass, then the straps well loosen and you squeeze up to about a 44 inch waist into it. I'm guessing that, as all I had to go by was my scrawny ass and a tape measure. Take that for what you will and remember to enjoy!