Finding Love in Cyberspace

I tell ya, as a straight woman, I realize that I've been leading a vanilla sex life. I thought glory holes and sex clubs were the stuff of the gay ‘70s. Terms like 'party and play' and 'barebacking' never entered my vocabulary (although it turns out that I've participated in both). Being Web savvy and a firm friend of the community, I smugly embraced the concept of gay online dating. But when I discovered that the phrase 'online dating' can also mean something much dirtier, I couldn't help but recoil. 'Honey, it's a man thing,' reassures Phil Henricks, Director of Marketing of Manhunt. 'If straight men could go online and have someone come over for sex, they would do it.' Ah, I get it now. A site like Gay.com is more visible to the mainstream than other similar outlets, and its personals section appears to be the sweet homosexual equivalent of Match.com. With more than 3.3 million active members worldwide, it has one of the largest personal networks on the Web, featuring cute guys with ripped abs that want to meet for coffee. The site maintains strict policies to create a 'safe, fun and informative place to connect, enrich and illuminate the lives of gay and lesbian people everywhere.' On the other hand, sites like Manhunt openly bring together guys for everything ranging from casual dates to all-night gang bangs. Founders Jonathan Crutchley and Larry Basile began the site four years ago as an extension of a phone sex line business. With over 250,000 members, users can create free accounts with limited access. An upgrade to full access costs $10 per month (about the cost of a drink), with options for shorter- or longer-term commitments. Within minutes of my signing up, I got hit with an offer to get sucked off. Cool. Henricks attributes part of the appeal of such sites to the rise in online dating within the straight community. 'The Manhunts of the world have benefited a lot from the Match.coms of the world. The taboo of being online, whether it's for dates or sex, has dwindled. That being said, the majority of guys on the site are there to hook up.' The benefits and drawbacks of online cruising tend to go hand in hand. It can increase the anonymity factor, where a user can hide behind a flattering picture or even a great sense of humor to capture someone's attention. This, of course, has its obvious flaws. Jason*, a regular online cruiser, recalls, 'A guy showed up at my door and I realized that his photo was from about 30 pounds ago. He was a behemoth. I had to make some excuse about why I couldn't go through with it.' Unlike cruising in a park or a bathhouse, online cruisers have the advantage of chatting and profiles to lay out the major details. This works for weeding out tops from bottoms and, more importantly, identifying those who choose safer sex or barebacking. By facilitating random sexual encounters, these sites might be perceived as supporters of unsafe practices, especially considering the risk of a user lying about his status. However, the prevailing philosophy is that members are consenting adults who deserve candid, non-judgmental access to one another. Israel*, a 42-year-old cruiser, explains, 'You play it safe or you don't play it safe no matter what. If you go to a bar, have a couple of drinks, and go home with a guy, is he going to be any more honest than someone online?' Israel also points to a site like POZpersonals.com, which services both gay and straight HIV-positive users so that disclosure is no longer an issue. Keith Griffith, who operates Cruising for Sex, agrees. 'Everyone has to make their own choices. If there's someone alive today who uses my Web site and isn't aware of the risks involved, they've been living in a hole.' Griffith launched his site in December 1995 in order to explore his own hobby. 'I certainly loved cruising, had a lot of experience and a lot of knowledge about itC9 so I thought, ‘Why not apply it online?'' While there is an active message board and personals section, it is primarily a resource for cruising, from Hollywood sex clubs to Hungarian toilets. It's free, and relies on user reviews, i.e. 'Late night weekends are busiest times, but lunch hours and after 5pm seems to be the time that straight guys stop by for quick release.' A unique feature is the 'Heads Up' section, where users post warnings about police presence or potential bashers. Another common feature in members' profiles is whether they are into 'party and play;' basically, sex with drugs. Like barebacking, it is an element of risky behavior that is prevalent within the gay community. Michael Ryan, who, along with David Begor, operates Sex4HotMen, explains, 'It's nothing that we promote; however, we don't censor our members.' Like most sites, they only remove content if it is mean-spirited, defames other users, or if a member turns out to be underage. With a $6.95 monthly membership fee for full access, Sex4HotMen has one of the lowest rates out there, and boasts about 25,000 members in 28 cities. While Web site operators cannot monitor their users' lifestyle choices, some are taking steps to raise awareness of safety issues. Sex4HotMen always donates a portion of its proceeds to local charities that serve gay communities. The site also has a safer-sex guidelines page, which includes advice on communicating with partners, and the risk levels of rimming, fisting, anal and oral sex ('spit out the semen, then rinse your mouth with an antiseptic mouthwash.') M4M World also donates to local charities by offering special deals such as three months for $15, giving 20% of those proceeds to organizations including the HIV Men's Forum in New York. (Note: in two days with my hottie M4M profile, I've gotten 30 responses. Ireally starting to get off on all the attention.) The owners have also created a sister site, M4M4ever, which is affiliated with local gay magazines to promote dating over sexual encounters ' no nudity allowed on the public pics. Let's face it, gay men have always found ways to pursue no-strings sex, whether it's exploits in toilets, clubs, or with your ex's cousin from Illinois. Along with the ease and efficiency of online dating, the Internet also provides access all the information on health and safety that you'll ever need. And while the risk levels aren't going away any time soon, using your head before getting head is always your best bet. *Names have been changed.

How to hook-up online ' safely

While the idea of scoping out a hot hook-up online has our hard discs revving, it wouldn't be the Internet without a few psychos. Before you meet your man, it's worthwhile to consider these common sense tips. Although you can make very specific searches using most online dating sites, it's generally a good idea to know when to draw the line. Don't put personal information such as your phone number or home address online, which facilitates stalkers (the bad kind). Don't use your regular email address. Instead, always use the free accounts and instant chat services offered by the host site. The last thing you want to do is send a message to tall, dark and handsome with your work signature accidentally attached. Always let a friend know where you're going, and what time you'll be back. Most of the guys out there are regular Joes just looking for a good time. But make sure you've got back-up if things go south (and not in a good way). Respect yourself. Whether you're looking for a casual encounter or something more meaningful, remember that nothing should happen unless you want it to.

Crafting the killer personal

It's easy to get lost browsing through the thousand of beefcake shots on match sites. But don't forget that you've got to have something to sell yourself with. Writing a personal ad can be a lot harder than it looks ' even the mouthiest of us can clam up when faced with a blank screen. But putting a bit of effort into your profile and pay off in a big way. Put some thought into your headline. 'M4M2NITE' is descriptive, but 'Hobbit seeks Aragorn for adventure' says so much more. Remember what your high school English teacher taught you and show, don't tell. We should see you're intelligent and cultured because of what you write, not because you say so. Nobody wants to hear you waffle on about yourself, but don't say anything negative, either. Stick with a rosy version of the truth. Skip bland language and get personal. Do you like windsurfing or foreign cinema? Here's your chance to rope in a partner with similar interests. Avoid weak words like 'attractive.' Everyone's attractive to someone . It's also a good idea to let browsers know what you're looking for. You don't want to be inundated with one-night-stand invites if what you're really after is a long-term relationship with Mr. Right. A little humor goes a long way. We're not all GQ models, but most of us can walk in the daylight without frightening small children. Make ‘em smile, and they'll be more likely to let you do more than that. Don't forget to post a picture. It's okay to blur out your face for the Web ' you can always email a candid shot to members who pique your interest. But research shows that listings with photos get far more attention than drab text ads. Just make sure your picture isn't three years and 30 pounds ago. If all else fails, consider tapping a professional profile-builder. For a small fee, a company like Personal Ad Makeover will spin your straw into gold.

Hook-up hot spots

One of the hottest hook-up sites out there is Recon, which lists nearly a quarter of a million men for all tastes. Its innovative Communicator app lets users interact directly, sharing email and IMs ' or even checking up on which other users have checked out your profile. Recon also filters its members into more than 30 communities to make sure that users can easily find common interests. Whether you're into leather or rubber, military hunks or chic metro men, you'll quickly find the type of guy you're looking for. Best of all, the site is absolutely free. Need a quick date for the weekend, no questions asked? Try Male Escorts, a steamy site that lists available men around the world. Pick your location from a handy drop-down list to see galleries of escorts in your area. Each hunk has his stats broken down for specific searches, making it a breeze to find exactly your type. Contact info and rates are also provided. ManJam provides a full spectrum of gay lifestyle links, forae and advice. The hook-up interface is slicker than most, with great pictures of potential partners. An old stalwart in the realm of Internet hook-up sites, Adult Friend Finder offers free registration for members of all sexualities looking for casual sex. The site offers refined search results that bring up local members sorted by an astonishing number of criteria. A magazine section offers sexy stories of previous hook-ups. Other spots for snagging a hot mate include: Bgay ToyBoy.com GayMatchmaker The Gay Personals Out Personals Gay Lover Passionate Personals Hot Match-Up True Internet Personals Clearing House