Ask Chad

Dear Not Ready for Marriage,

“If you had to?” Gurl…marriage isn’t an obligation. I’ve known (and slept with) gays who’ve been married happily for over a decade, I’ve known gays who have been in a relationship for twenty years who never got married, AND I’ve known gays who have divorced after being married for three years. Being together isn’t the same for everyone. Just because we can get married doesn’t mean we should. THAT GOES FOR THE STRAIGHTS TOO. If you feel obligated to propose, then it’s not coming from a good place. If this is a line in the sand for your boo, then it’s time to have THAT conversation. If you aren’t looking for the same thing, maybe it’s time to cut ties and if you aren’t feeling wedding bliss, then maybe he isn’t the one. Also, why is he hinting for YOU to propose? He’s a man with balls (I’m assuming) – he probably doesn’t want to be the one to propose because you will probably say no. Oh gurrrllll…I’d only get married for a reality show like 90 Day Fiance or some bullshit like that. That being said, I am a registered officiant and I can perform the ceremony…then perform on your husband for the honeymoon. Bloop!

Dear Broken Gaydar,

Does he swallow you after he blows you in the office bathroom? If he does…guess what? He’s GAY!

This question makes me feel like I’m watching a sitcom from the 90s. If he never says anything gay or talks about his private life, maybe he comes from an oppressive family background, maybe he’s a metrosexual (since we are using old terms), or maybe he has an 80-year old sugar daddy at home.

Just get everyone in the office to meet for drinks after work, see if he loosens up…enough for you to fit a fist in. Kidding. Or, here’s an idea…JUST ASK HIM. Duh.

Dear Am I Dating A Stalker?,

Pack your bags. Change your name. Dye your hair. He’s a stalker! Just kidding. Awww, I just love the gays – where you can fall in love and still be on the lookout for hookups. Girl, he’s just seeing how often you are looking for dick or ass or if you’ve stopped logging on because you’re so in love with him. The day he doesn’t see that you’ve logged on, he’s going to assume that you are a couple for reals. Have you had the convo about having an open relationship? Are you thinking about deleting your Grindr as a statement of your LUV? If you have no intention of deleting of getting rid of the app, tell him to kindly back the fuck up or just block him. P.S. while he’s so concerned about you being on, he’s apparently logged on all the time too. Maybe you should just hold hands and start a couple’s profile. Just DON’T BE that annoying couple that has two duo profiles appearing side by side…I never know if I’m talking to the hot one (there’s always just one).

Dear Morning Kisser –

The assumed sentiment is, if you are so in love with someone a little morning breath shouldn’t matter. WRONG. If he shit the bed in the middle of the night, you’d tell him to clean it up. Morning breath is not romantic. You CAN give him a little peck on the cheek and say, “hey bish, go brush your teeth so we can fuck missionary style.”

Also, NO ONE has great breath in the morning…especially if you’ve been sucking dick or eating ass the night before. So before you complain about his breath, you should check yours too, Princess.

Dear Date Question,

As in I’d question to date you. Are you cheap? Are you poor? Are you sexist? Just because you’re both guys doesn’t mean you can’t bring some romance and power top energy and pick up the bill. If you’re poor, then go on a hike – it’s free and you can fuck in the bushes if your mom won’t let you host. If you think that you are going to bottom and only order water and a salad and he orders a steak and dessert, then you probably shouldn’t have to pay.

BUT, the same person shouldn’t have to pay each time and if your date doesn’t offer to foot the bill or come up with their own date ideas then that’s a red flag…unless it’s a before agreed upon Sugar Daddy situation…which I am currently submitting applications and dick pics for.

Money talk is unromantic, and so is asking your date to pay half. If you are always paying, try pushing over the bill to his side next time and wink and say, “I do believe, sir, it’s your turn.” Or just hide in the bathroom when the bill comes.

Dear Foreskin Frankie,

The celebration of the foreskin has had a resurgence in the last few years. Before, all you would see in porn was cut cock, cut cock, cut cock, and more cut cock unless you were watching LatinBoyz (which I was). But more and more men are coming out as foreskin proud and realizing that guys with uncut dicks have more sensation around their head. About 1/3 of men worldwide are circumcised and it’s standard in the United States and parts of Southeast Asia and Africa but is rare in Europe, Latin America, and most of Asia. So there’s a big world of uncut cock out there and the stigma in the locker room of being uncircumcised is going away. Personally, I absolutely love it. It’s like manly chewing gum while giving a BJ. So let your foreskin flag fly!

Now, that being said, and me being a cockspert (that’s a cock expert in case you’re slow), there are many different types of foreskin – it’s a frenzy of foreskin! There is foreskin that easily pulls back whenever you start to get hard and it requires no heavy lifting whatsoever. There is foreskin that takes a little massaging to pull back. Then there’s the foreskin that is completely attached and does NOT pull back – DANGER DANGER, trying to shove this kind of foreskin back can cause serious pain and discomfort. My stupid ex boyfriend – who was a hot tamale with matador buns and a turbo cock oh why did he dump me – sorry, got carried away – my stupid ex boyfriend had the latter type of foreskin and I thought he was wincing in pleasure but he was wincing in pain. He could have also been wincing from seeing our last credit card bill. He didn’t communicate the fact that blowjobs were painful for him for ALMOST A YEAR – dumbshit. Once he told me how painful it was, I adjusted my technique and poked my tongue along the rim of the foreskin where it met the head and he spurted webs of joy in minutes. Needless to say, our credit card bill wasn’t a problem any more.

In closing, be rest assured there are plenty of others out there with the same type of foreskin. Truth is, some gays are into it, some are not. There is a medical snip snip you can get that keeps your foreskin but lets the skin pull back. I’ve also been told you can stretch the skin out from the top to try and loosen it up. I’m not a doctor but I’ve played one on TV (or was that a porn?), so if it’s an issue for you go get medical advice. BUT, next time someone goes down on you tell them ahead (get it – a HEAD) of time so they don’t massacre your foreksin. And for god’s sake, keep it clean. I only like cheese on a charcuterie board.

You don’t LOVE Drag Race? Are you insane? Don’t say that too loud, the gays will get you and Momma Ru will send her Pit Crew to take your gay card away. Seriously though, there is a growing number of the gays that are not obsessed with Drag Race…we should form an underground organization or non-profit. “Does the sound of a death drop or tongue pop give you shingles? Does the sight of a lip synch give you mono? Call us today, we can help. 1-800-WHO-PAUL.” Bro, if you sit there week after week feeling obligated you will start to resent him for it and you’ll end up slashing his tires in the middle of the night out of anger…don’t ask me how I know. Just tell him it’s not your jam and while he’s watching Drag Race just go into the other room and watch football or listen to Joe Rogan or whatever it is you drag race-hating folks do. Or better yet, get on Grindr and look for me…I’ll give you the lip synch of your life…after I lower the zipper. Bloop!

Dear Cruiser,

So, the point of cruising is just that, you are cruising not dating. The exciting part about cruising is that it is anonymous and usually just for a good cum drop (or two). Are you one of those eager boys who texts four times after a first date? Calm your balls. If you want to date, go to ChristianMingle. If the gay gods are on your side, you’ll see him again. If not, then move on…there’s more than one dick out there. It used to be so much easier when we had Craigslist…RIP. You can also log on to Grindr in the surrounding areas and see if he, um, pops up. Just for my research, where exactly were you cruising? Maybe it was me.

Dear Throuple Couple,

Believe it or not, there are plenty of throuples out there that make it work. Part of the fun is that there are more holes to add to the bedroom, part of the reality is that there is also more emotional and technical-based crap to worry about. Adding a full-time “other” to the relationship can make other partners feel neglected, also the new addition can feel like the bastard child…never fully welcome at the table. How can a newbie compete with memories and years between a couple? You have to make the newbie feel welcome and a part of everyday life. Logistically, you have to work on bed space, finances, introducing the third to your friends and family, closet space, open relationship rules, date nights, sexual positions, cooking, cleaning, and all that usual stuff. Are you sure you want to do all that work? Being in a throuple is about love, being in a threesome is about fucking. As we know, fucking in a long-term relationship can sometimes go by the wayside. ALSO, remember how every sitcom has been ruined by adding a baby or new character to the main cast? Be careful. Make sure it’s something you want to do. Personally, I demand full attention from my partner (when I have one) and I don’t need him buying some other bitch Christmas presents. Also, I hog the sheets.

Dear Clueless,

Get a clue, Kelly. Scruff isn’t for networking, it’s for fucking. Either get on board with some bi action in the bedroom or head to Alaska, all the men are straight there…allegedly.