Ask Chad

Dear Husband Fucker,

Danger! DANGER! Don’t do it. I’ve been there, done that…done THEM and I lost free rides. What I mean is, my bestie drove me everywhere because I have three DUIs and so when the friendship ended, so did the free rides. Now I have more Uber charges than I have morals. Fucking my bestie and his husband seemed like a good idea at the time, BUT we were drunk and horny. I had seen my bestie naked before during drunk nights out, sleepovers, car trips, etc, but never had any sexual attraction. He’s hot, but he was like a brother to me. His hubby, on the other hand, is pure daddy meat. Older, thick, and, of course, my bestie had shown me all his dick pics when they first started dating.

First of all, the sex was terrible. Everyone was so drunk that no one knew where to put anything, my friend and I got the giggles and avoided touching each other, and his husband was VERY intent on servicing my dick AND my ass. Halfway through, my bestie got upset cause he saw how passionate his hubby was being towards me. He ended up walking out to the living room to watch Housewives and his hubby and I continued the romp. The mood was ruined and no one ended up cumming. We chalked it up to being drunk, but my bestie was cold that next week and canceled our plans together (we used to hang out every day). When we finally did hang out, the energy was different and we never recovered. Awkwardly, his hubby kept texting me. Little by little, it just dwindled away. I saw them out at the clubs a month ago, they gave me a smile and my bestie lead his hubby out by the hand as soon as they finished their drinks.

Even though I’m a cold-hearted bitch, I still miss that bitch every day. AND I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO CUM!

Dear Shy Bulge,

You’re a lawyer? What’s your take home? I need a new Sugar Daddy. : )

Underwear nights are SO fun. I’m an exhibitionist by nature so really haven’t had an issue being shy in showing off my bulge or ass in a jockstrap. The truth about underwear nights is that you will literally see all types of guys letting everything hang out. It’s less about being an underwear model and it’s more about enjoying the energy of everyone stripping down to their skivvies. Guys are just there to have a good time and even me, being the royal bitch that I am, have never made fun of anyone for joining in the fun.

If you are really concerned about the lack of bulge showing, there are underwear brands that have built in cock rings or pouches that push everything forward. It’s like a wonder bra for crotches. But at the end of the day, no one is really zeroing in anyone’s shortcomings. Just get out there and have fun, I promise you that you will eventually relax and even forget you were ever shy.

As far as being a business person in your undies, fuck anyone who says that’s not professional. I mean, lawyers are known for their briefs, correct? That was my courtroom humor, enjoy.

Dear Selfie Hater,

As someone who LOVES social media attention and who has been known to make rent from time to time by selling feet pics, I don’t really have a problem with gays spending time on social media. If he is going to post shirtless pics, just start posting your dick or ass pics everywhere, see if he minds. Bloop!

Seriously, though. How long have you guys been a couple? Maybe he is craving the sexual attention from his posts on Instagram cause you aren’t giving him enough at home? Remind him that he is sexy to you, tell him how hot he looks coming out of the shower, add some spontaneous sex to the week. When you see him on his phone posting and such, walk by naked or just start going down on him. If he still doesn’t put the phone down, then but the bone down cause gurlll…you have a problem.

P.S. What’s his Insta? I wanna see that chest. LOL.

Hey Foreskin King,

LOL. This is something that has become very popular as of late. My first time witnessing a foreskin shot was at a pool party, and it is not something you soon forget. It literally is when a guy whips out his uncut cock and pulls the skin forward making a little spoon. Pour the liquor of your choice in the “spoon” and take your sip, that’s a foreskin shot. You would thing that the liquor would burn the dickhole, but apparently it doesn’t and the sensation of someone using their lips to take a sip is quite pleasurable for the shot giver. Let’s just hope it’s not a wine and cheese plate…if you know what I mean.

Dear Roommate Ronnie,

First things first…is he hot? If he is hot and hung, take out a credit card of get a second job cause now you’re a sugar daddy. Hooking up with roommates is always tricky. I’ve been booted from a few living arrangements for sleeping with my roommate (granted, his boyfriend came home early and caught us). When you start to hookup with a roomie, all kinds of things can happen. Jealousy, weird vibes, and late rents are all possible consequences. It sounds like he’s taking advantage of the fact you are fucking and assuming, because you are assuming the position, that you will also assume the rent.

I would stop having sex with him until he gets his shit together. AND, tell him he has 30 days to pay rent and see how he responds. OR, put in a webcam in his room for livestreaming for that extra cash.

Tons of people are looking for rooms to rent, maybe you can get a hot piece of ass that can afford it.

Dear Catfished,

Are you being catfished? Yes, dipshit.

In this age of selfies, smart phones for poor people, and bus rides, it is impossible to have a good excuse not to meet up or Facetime. And you have feelings for him? Watch The Notebook, jerk off, and call it a day…you can’t have feelings for someone you haven’t met or even seen. You sound a bit desperate. Get some confidence, put the phone down, and go outside. Believe it or not, there are gays wandering around looking to meet up for real. I’ll be in the bathrooms of Nordstrom at 3 pm – I’ll show you how real I am. Okurrrr

Dear Happy Ending Eddie,

CAN YOU ASK HIM? Um, I’m assuming he sticks his dick in your butt and/or vice versa. Of course, you can ask him. Duh. You can ask him the time, you can ask him his credit score, you can ask him his favorite color…you’re boyfriends. Why are so many couples afraid to ask questions? It’s your goddamn right. Bloop.

Anywayyyy…anyone in the masseuse business is going to be in certain situations that can get sexual. It’s a stereotype cause it’s true. I got fired from Burke Williams cause all I wanted to do was the happy endings part. If you don’t want him giving a handie now and then, he probably needs to get a different job. Maybe a sandwich artist job? He could use his hands all day and still play with meat. If he’s bringing home extra money and sharing with the household, I say WHO CARES? He’s still coming home to you. But, 100%, you should have that chat. If the sex at home starts to suffer, he’s keeping secrets, or he’s not spending that extra cash on you, who cares? Enjoy it, bish. Plus, it might be kind of hot to hear the stories. Give him my number, I wanna hear all about it.

Dear Not Hung,

His ex was hung? Yeah, he was probably a big dick which is why your boy isn’t with him anymore. Look, we can’t all be blessed with a huge cock like me (you are what you eat!). BUT, let’s not try and be all PC. Size does matter – if it didn’t, why is there so much Big Dick porn out there? It’s a fantasy though. Let me tell you, big dicks look pretty and all but sometimes they are a lot of work to keep up with…just ask my hole from last week’s hookup with BigDick77 (I thought it was the year he was born…it was not). Has your boyfriend complained? Is his hole so loose it’s like throwing a hot dog down a tunnel? Tell him to do Kegels.

There are some things you can do if you are smaller that will excite your bottom’s hole. Try using a vibrating cock ring. Not only will it stimulate you, making you harder with bigger orgasms, but it will also make his hole vibrate making him a happy boy. Don’t want to use sex toys? Use your hands. While you are fucking him, use your hands to grab his balls, stroke his cock, grab his nipples, pull his hair, massage his back – all these things add to the experience and will take the focus away from “hole only” action and increase the sense his body is feeling.

If those tips fail, invite me over. I’ll fill him up and you can watch. Bloop!

Dear Bed Shitter,

Don’t waste that money on flowers, spend it on moving expenses. You need to move to a different country and change your name and delete your social media as he has undoubtedly told EVERYONE at this point.

In reality, this happens a lot. I never understand why they insist on white sheets at gay resorts. Send him a funny text about it and offer to bring over new sheets. If he doesn’t respond to your humor, you don’t want him anyway. People with no humor are usually bed wetters. Just ask Melania.

Dear Not A Momma’s Boy,

Oh girl. On the good side, a Momma’s Boy usually ends up being sweet and loving. On the other hand, Mother-in-Laws-to-be are the worst! They will get involved in every little aspect of your life and your boy will end up running to her for advice instead of you. Little by little she will creep in until she owns your soul. And trust, she knows what she is doing. When a boy moves away from home and moves in with you, YOU are supposed to become the Bitch Boss, not her. Get some balls and set some boundaries, this is your house too.

First, talk to your boy and tell him you are working on a relationship between the two of you, not the three of you. See what he does. If he takes her side and makes you the bad guy, you will never win…ever. You’ll end up spending your honeymoon with your Mom-In-Law in your bed. You could also JLO the situation (watch Monster-In-Law if you don’t know what I am talking about): If they are Facetiming all day, start getting on Grindr every time he’s chatting with her and make sure that notification alert is LOUD. OR, start walking into the frame completely naked…every time. OR, when he gets on the phone with her, go ahead and dial that cute friend of yours (we all have one) and start chatting it up and laughing. And, if she insists on staying over every week, start having sex with your boy LOUDLY every night and morning she is there…like make the walls shake. Start leaving fetish porn around the house during her visits too, that always causes a stir.

If it gets really drastic, you are going to have to pull out the big guns. Invite YOUR mom (or closest version) over, during the same time his mom is there. It will be a Battle of the Moms. If that doesn’t work, declare her mentally incompetent and have her committed. It’s not that hard. Don’t ask me how I know. Ok, gotta run…we are visiting my boy’s mom at the home.