Ask Chad

Dear Asshat,

An asshat is a hat made from the anuses (I actually had to look up the plural of anus) of our ancestors, usually worn during a gay quinceanera or ceremonial one-night stand. JK…if you believe that then you are an asshat. An asshat is something you call a stupid person. Yeah, your new boyfriend thinks you’re an idiot. Why don’t you start calling him limp dick and see what happens? Nicknames in relationships are so cute (insert sarcasm).

Dear Call of Booty,

Ah, the often lusted-after nerd! Nerds always sound hot until they drag you to a Star Trek convention or, as you are dealing with, dump you for their computer. But you can’t change a nerd. You can’t change anyone really. If he’s been gaming since puberty, chances are you won’t have much luck in averting his attention to your joystick. That being said, he should be open to some sort of compromise. There’s a fine line between gaming as a hobby and gaming that has you up all night and missing out on real life. If he’s not willing to turn off the computer and spend some time with you, then maybe he’s not the one for you. I’m one to talk. I’d rather binge-watch Emily in Paris than have to head out to brunch…unless he’s paying. Just have a talk with him, make some compromises or just turn the damn wifi off.

Dear Cradle Robber,

You are a creep…and I’m jealous. Wow, so many issues here that I have definitely been involved with. First of all, should you really be fucking a coworker? If it doesn’t go well you may have a sexual harassment suit on your hands. And yes, the age difference does make it a bit creepy. We’ve seen the porn scenes with daddy and son play, but in real life, it’s a little suspect. How do you know he is bicurious? If he is flirting up a storm and making the advances, then by all means threaten to take it to the next level and see how he reacts. Having been a thirsty 19-year-old myself, I tended to fall madly in love with any and all daddy cock that came my way. So, be careful. You may get a stalker on your hands. OR, you may love the encounter so much that YOU fall in love. Listen, there is plenty of young cock out there. Find it on Grindr, unless you don’t mind the staff giving you the side-eye after the copulation or, even worse, losing your job.

Dear Lord of the Rings,

LOL. There is no secret to cock rings. If you are dating a top who is a drunk, on drugs, or over 45, you will probably need a drawer full of cock rings. Just kidding. They are literally made to keep your dick hard, increase the size of your erection, or last longer. Very simply, they can be worn around the base of your dick or behind your balls, pushing everything to the front. You should instantly be feeling harder. If you aren’t, then it isn’t tight enough. It should be pretty tight, like a sexy rubber band. Shop around and try different sizes. Some even come with ribbing and such for added pleasure.

Regardless of ED issues, they can really be fun to give you that extra boost. Little known fact, you can also put one on your tongue and use it while you are blowing someone. It rubs their dick in a unique way. If you get a vibrating cock ring, you can use it to jerk off by yourself or use it to stimulate your partner’s hole.

I recommend the glow-in-the-dark ones so people know where to sit in a dark room. Yassss, bish.

Dear Guncle,

Uggg, children are the absolute worst! Well, given we’ve been locked up for two years, I’d say that Pride this year definitely takes precedence. Or, does the family mind if you stop by in a harness and speedo? A lot depends on your niece’s age. If she is under five, fuck it. Drop off a stuffed animal she will slobber all over and call it a day. If she is over ten, she might start to remember the absent guncle. Compromise, can’t you stop over on the way to Pride, drop off a present, take a guncle selfie, and call it a day? You can change in the car or a trick’s house and head out. Or, offer to take her for a special princess birthday date just the two of you later in the week. Just don’t show up drunk, smelling like poppers, with your ass full of a load. Not cute. OR, just take her with you. Despite certain laws being passed, talking about sexuality should be done early. Bloop!

Dear Bottom Feeding,

Turn him around and make HIM bottom! If you are 100% bottom, good for you! BUTT, there are precautions we just have to take to avoid muddy waters. Have you tried other methods of preparation like douching or a power streamer on your shower head? As someone who enjoys food, I like dick even more so I end up eating gummy bears on a date. Try other ways to get ready before fucking. Or do other things in bed that don’t require penetration. Or learn how to wipe. Bloop!

Dear Vodka Victim,

A new layer job? Dump him and come to me! Oh, wait…I drink a lot too. ANYWHO…yeah, a drunk gay can be cute now and then, but not consistently. There may be an underlying issue if his drinking has gotten out of hand. If you let it get out of hand it can become a real problem or he can get himself into some real trouble. You need to sit him down and be firm and see what’s going on. No joke, he may need some rehab. Regardless of what he is going through, you need to set some ground rules for yourself. Sounds like you are embarking on a promising career, you have to focus on yourself and if he’s unwilling or unable to support you, then you have to move on. Be firm. Pretend you are in court and lay down the law. Speaking of court, can I see your briefs?

Hello, Yahya!

Wow. That’s pretty serious. I could make a joke about prison porn, but I won’t cause I’m woke. You are in a prickly situation. Gays like us here in the US take it for granted we can find a partner for life or for a minute by the click on an app. You have to be careful. First, I would say get out if you can! There are resources for political asylum. Come to the US! We are very very friendly, if you know what I mean. When you do start dating, take it SLOW! Be cautious. There are a lot of assholes (like me) that will take advantage of a newbie and love you and leave you! Once you get to a safe place, start by going out in the LGBTQ nightlife, get acclimated to the community. There are always plenty of boys. Just be careful of the ones who drink too much (like me, lol). Also a great way to meet quality gays is to get involved in local LGBTQ non-profits. Those are the nice gays. Dating apps can be hit or miss – again, just be cautious. I hope you stay safe no matter your situation becomes and I’m sending lots of positive energy your way…I’d send dick pics but I don’t want to get you in trouble!

Dear STI Guy,

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m not laughing at your pain, I’m laughing at the situation. Ok, let me level with you. This has happened to me not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES! Hey, I’m a sex positive slut.

BUT, or rather, BUTT, I did learn my lesson when my boy up and left me. Being a secret slut just doesn’t affect you, it affects your boyfriend and is selfish. I’ve learned my ways. Yes, I still sleep around on guys but I tell them I’m an open relationship type of gay and I do take precautions…most of the time. Having an STI isn’t the end of the world, but it may be the end of your relationship if you were cheating. That’s a tough situation but, just like anything difficult, it’s easier in the long run to just do it – tell him – and get it over with. You can’t control how other people will react. What you can do is tell him in a loving way that you messed up and that either you will never do it again, or you want an open relationship. Don’t text it to him, don’t call him, don’t do it in a public place…tell him in person and get on your hands and knees and beg for forgiveness and throw a few tears in. Then offer to drive him to a clinic that very minute and hold his hand while he gets tested. Tell him you made a mistake but you will make things right.

If he dumps you, come over…we will Netflix and fuck. I have penicillin on hand.

Dear Grindr Blocker,

How cute! The family that hunts together, has blank profiles together! Seriously, when is Grindr going to start blocking blank profile pics? It’s ANNOYING. P.S. My profile pic is a picture of sunset.  JK. It’s a picture of my bulge in nylon shorts. Anyway, I digress.

When you say family…are we talking brother, uncle, cousin, um, dad? And if we are talking cousin, once or twice removed? You know in some states, many people marry their cousins. Truth be told, I did fuck my stepbrother at a family Christmas. Now before y’all start shouting, my mom and his dad got together after we were all out of the house and I had only met him at their wedding a couple of years prior. IT WAS HOT, I’m not going to lie. Have we done it again? Let’s just say you can do more under the mistletoe. You can bet I haven’t missed a family Christmas since.

Kidding aside, you saw it was him, you blocked him and moved on. Why the hell would you say something? Unless you want him to know it was you so you can continue the situation. Did he send you a dick pic? What’s he packing? If you aren’t fucking your family, then don’t say anything. It would just cause some awkward energy.  Duh.