Ask Chad

Dear SITMWY,

Thanks for the question! One quick thing: sexual trauma isn’t weird at all. It’s unfortunately common, and definitely horrible, but let’s avoid calling it “weird.” But I get your point! What you’re describing actually isn’t all that uncommon, and is actually becoming more and more of “a thing!” It’s called “Side” (not far off from you saying “middle”!). Side is the term for people who just don’t like anal penetration (“butt stuff”) at all, and it sounds like that’s you! I would say the best thing you could do is to own it, and to label it. I roll my eyes at most labels, but because some may this one as atypical if they’ve never heard the phrase, then it could be a really great conversation piece! If you’re on a date, and they ask you if you’re a top or a bottom, just tell them you’re a side and that you more turned on by all the other ways you two can get off instead of being restricted to anal. I know it’s frustrating, but try your hardest to just own it with confidence. Think of it as an asset that makes you unique, not a hindrance (plus I bet your oral is bomb AF).

Dear Jealous FWB,

Ooooooh the drama of it all! For me, communication is key to any relationship, whether it’s intimate or casual, and in this case it’s kind of both! Clear, emotionally mature communication is the basis for ANYTHING. It’s understandable to catch feelings and feel jealous, but unless you talk it out, they don’t owe you anything past what your current arrangement is. Which, if they’re now monogamous, is nothing more than roommates and friends. If they’re open/casually dating, you gotta decide what you want! The best you can do is have a direct and mature conversation. As Daddy Mr. Rogers used to say, “If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable” so mention it to your friend! Tell them Chad sent you ;-)

Dear KOP,

Thanks so much for the Queerie! It’s a great one for sure, and one that I know so many of us have had to deal with at times. Poppers have have become a staple in Gay culture, and in a 1982 study of poppers, psychiatrist Thomas Lowry referred to them as “the nearest thing to a true aphrodisiac.” Here’s how I see it: “When I’m horny, I want to have sex; when I sniff poppers, I want to fuck.”

I’ve said it before, but I really think it all cums down to one thing: Moderation. Maybe put the onus on you, so that it doesn’t seem like you are being overly critical or needy (you aren’t, but you know how fuckboys can make you question yourself). I may say something along the lines of, “Hey, can we hold off on the poppers just for a bit? Sometimes making out with you gives me a second-hand high/headache after you’ve taken a really big whiff because I’m getting a second hit off ya after my hit.” If you’re an even more direct person, maybe straight up tell them, “Don’t take too big a hit! Last time you lost your hard-on!” Do it playfully/tactfully, but remember: nobody wants to be thought of as a bad lay, ya know?

Dear AdDICKted,

Number one, don’t ever be ashamed of your kinks or what you get into. You should be able to share what gets you off with your partner. That being said, going to gloryholes is essentially hooking up with strangers, which some guys wouldn’t particularly want to incorporate into a relationship. The thing about gloryholes is there isn’t really any communication with the other person so you don’t know what their STD or status is…that can be a bit dangerous. Also, if you are addicted to that kind of anonymity, maybe there are some other issues going on that are affecting your sex life. Everything should be done in moderation, so if going to gloryholes is all you can think of, maybe talk to someone about it. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE going to gloryholes. Nothing says party like a row of big dicks waiting for a mouth. BUT, I know that going to gloryholes is something I only do when I am in single-mode and not every night. P.S. If you need a gloryhole buddy, call me!

Dear Good Grief,

The thing about having a partner and sharing a living space – doesn’t matter if it’s a rented, owned, or squatted space, it’s a SHARED space. It can’t just be reflective of one person in the relationship. What do you collect? What’s your style? Are you being equally represented in your space? Any relationship is about coming to a mutual agreement and respect towards the other person’s aesthetic. Also, when you’re a partner with someone, you aren’t just dating their dick. You are dating their family, their snoring, their bad taste in movies, and yes, their odd collection. BUT IT HAS TO BE EQUAL! My ex made me regulate my dildo collection to the hall closet. AS IF! LOL. But set some ground rules down before you start the moving process. Sounds like your boy needs to grow up a little and have a garage sale. He shouldn’t have to give up everything Snoopy but how about maybe just the guest room, or a section of the house, or small, tasteful accents? If he can’t bear to part with his Snoopy stuff or put it in storage, consider a bonfire next time he is out with his friends.

Dear Disgusted Bestie,

Gurrllll. His boyfriend is probably sending me those dick pics! LOL. If I know anything about besties, I can assume that your bestie cannot possibly believe you’d keep your mouth shut after telling you this juicy bit of news. Maybe he’s depending on you to make a scene and make it an issue. Well, that’s not your job. It’s unfair to put you in that position. Here’s what I’ve learned, bros definitely come before hoes (or cum before hoes if you have a sleepover) eventually. So maybe at this moment he’s infatuated with his dick-pic-sending boyfriend, but it eventually will bubble to the surface, there will be a tearful break-up, and your bestie will be back to watching The Notebook with you over two bottles of pinot grigio. You can either wait it out or tell your bestie to get their priorities in check. It sucks you are missing out on bestie time, but your friend needs to figure it out on their own and get their house in order. Hey, if you need a new bestie, I’m available! …and I give good head.

Dear Office Fuck,

Ohhhh, post-pandemic sex was hot because we all missed the casual fucking! But yeah, now that Grindr is active again and Sniffies is full of hot neighbors, the thrill of the casual encounter has lessened. I did use to love office sex SO much, but it did make staff meetings and holiday parties awkward when I moved on. Once they have the Chad D, they NEED the Chad D. Anyway…again, communication is key, we are all adults here. Tell him you’re seeing someone, tell him you’re fucking the guy on the first floor instead, tell him you have crabs, OR…simply tell him that the moment is over but you had a really great time. Maybe give him a gift card to Bed, Bath, & Beyond as a goodbye gift. LOL. If he starts to cause issues at work, simply get him fired by logging onto his computer and sending a nasty email to the boss. P.S. What office do you work at? I’d like to make a delivery.

Dear Bi the Way,

Cheating is cheating. You stick your dick in anything wet, it’s cheating. Unless it’s a pie, then it’s just a bad movie. If you don’t have an open relationship, then you don’t have an open relationship – regardless of gender. That being said, you have to figure out what he is missing about women. Is it the sex? Is it the boobs? Is it the meat curtains? What is it? OR, is he missing a female emotional connection? Is he missing some womanly qualities that you don’t bring to the relationship? Does he have mom issues? Just talk to him about it and find out what’s going on. Maybe watch straight porn together. Maybe take him to a strip club. If he really misses women, then maybe you guys need a break. I was monogamous once. Worst two days of my life.

Dear Cam Cummer,

My boyfriend hates the idea of me giving free blowjobs at our local gym, but I do it anyway. And by “boyfriend,” I mean “sugar daddy.” You have to do what makes YOU happy. The camming industry is actually booming right now (thanks COVID), and so it has been a lucrative way for anyone with a cock, an ass, and a cam to make some good income. BUT, let me spill some tea about the camming industry…don’t ask me how I know, I just do. Wink, wink. Camming is actually very…ahem, long and hard. In order to make good money, you have to be consistent and spend a good chunk of time in front of the camera. It takes a lot of work to get your regulars that come in and you constantly have to utilize Twitter and such to market yourself to get new viewers. The actual camming process is not easy and sometimes boring as well. You can sit there for a long time before someone breaks out the wallet to go private or pay for some action. You can get bored, you can fall asleep, and you can rethink every bad comeback you ever made cause there is definitely time. You have to constantly engage your audience via the keyboard as well, messaging the room, keeping up the convo, getting them to tip and such. It’s like working in a sexy call center…if there is such a thing. So it takes patience, time, and ability.

And yes, you do have to think about how it’s going to affect your future. It is true, once something is out on the web it is ALWAYS out on the web. Why do you think I dyed my hair red and changed my name to Chad? Kidding. There should be no shame in sex work and showing off your assets, but society thinks differently so past sexiness can get in the way of career or relationships. As far as your boyfriend is concerned, he probably has a little jealousy going on and thinks camming is much sexier than it really is. He could also be afraid of his own reputation…but, he probably should be more concerned about his reputation for undertipping at The Abbey (I’m guessing here). Do you boo. There is much money to be made camming, it’s like an Uber for your body. But even Ubering has its many downsides. And don’t even try to be a nude Uber driver, I got banned for that. Allegedly.

Dear Official Lover,

If you are a lesbian, waste no time and make it official on the first date. Then move in together immediately. Then adopt three cats. It’s not my advice, it’s the official rules. If you’re a gay like me, never make it official so that you can explore the world of cocks without being tied down. BUT, if you’re a relationship-minded gay DON’T RUSH INTO IT. So many of my fellow gays are so quick to update their social media status, move in, start wearing matching jockstraps, and hold hands at every possible moment. Take it slow. You’ll feel when the time is right or it will just happen naturally when a toothbrush shows up in your bathroom. Any good relationship is worth easing into. Just like your butt.