Sex Worker, Looking for Love: Eddie Danger Breaks Down Dating a Porn Star

The people who gravitate to sex work are often very independent people. Sure, codependency is a thing, but it’s hard to find a performer who hasn’t had to face their hometown and say “this modesty is not for me.” While the initial leap into sex work feels lonely at first, we are not alone. Sex workers fall in love and have fulfilling relationships with all kinds of people. No story is the same. Everybody has different dreams and desires. Across the board, as a sex worker out in the dating world, we need to be realistic about our expectations and focus completely on providing effective communication to the people that we care about.

If you’re looking for a regular, heteronormative experience in life, stay out of sex work. Society hasn’t caught up yet. Sure, there are outstanding arrangements that people find, but you can’t expect a civilian to be good in combat without proper training. People need to know what they’re getting themselves into.

Although dating people outside of the industry helps to provide a safe space where you can escape from “work,” I’ve found it difficult to fully articulate the psychological perspective of active sex workers to people who have never done it. Communication is the most important part of human relationships. Effective communication is thoroughly delivered and received with clarity. If you find yourself shuddering, being coy or vague about your sex work, you’re probably doing it to protect yourself from the judgement of others. Trust me, it is not worth it.  If you lay it all out there, open and honest, it’s up to the other person to buy the whole package or walk away without wasting anybody’s time.

Washing up after fucking Izzy’s tight hole. What a cutie!...

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— Eddie Danger (@eddiedangerous) August 4, 2022

Although people can separate “work” sex from “intimate” sex, people outside of the industry often have an unrealistic expectation as to how sex work operates as a performance. It feels more like modeling than anything wildly passionate. Sets are scorching hot, people are sweaty, lube is everywhere, things smell weird, things taste weird, and all shoots go on FOREVER. You pose, flex, hold yourself in uncomfortable positions for hours, and usually forget everything once it’s done. It’s just a process of capturing a series of sex acts on film to produce a cohesive narrative. For most porn performers, sex isn’t even experienced in the same way that it is outside of the job. All the feelings that people associate with sex (the heart fluttering, the blood pumping, the gratification, the dominance/submissiveness, etc.). A make-out clip as an introduction to a porn film could require up to an hour of jaw-grinding tonsil hockey. Same with the foreplay—oral sex feels like it lasts forever. It’s a long process, often not very sexy. Nerve endings get worn down fast and the stroking usually doesn’t feel like much of anything throughout the duration of a scene—we’re acting. However, it’s still hard for people to imagine sex as a job—devoid of emotion.

Be aware of when your profession is being fetishized. I often meet people who are attracted to the porn star aspect of my personality, run around telling everybody that they’re dating a porn star, treat the relationship as if it’s me (the porn star) and a virginal girl-next-door. The sex is hot, but these people are the first to split when I start crying about my own problems. The one-dimensional relationship is easy for people outside of the industry to handle. They can keep you at an arms-length, have porno-grade sex, and then get upset when you continue to be the same person they met at the beginning. The fetish wears off once you get to know someone. As a sex worker, try to be sure to begin dating by presenting your whole self before your identity as a sex worker. They need to buy into it all and adjust to the idea that they will feel probably feel jealousy at some point and will need to learn how to process complicated emotions. We still live in a world inhabited by simple minds controlled by shame and religion.

These days, most of the people who come to me know what they’re getting themselves into. They know non-monogamy is the standard arrangement, but there is wiggle room. I ensure that monogamy is never expected. I know that establishing a monogamous relationship that encompasses my porn career requires a great deal of understanding from my partner. I know I’m still going to shoot porn, so I try not to hold other people to unfair expectations. My partner is always free to love whoever they want. I learned at a young age that it’s more satisfying to be chosen out of many than to limit the competition. It feels great when my partner chooses to focus solely on our relationship without any sense of responsibility- even if they have other people in their life. 

Check it out https://t.co/6DXhe2Xtfo pic.twitter.com/D6BnlwFZ4E

— Eddie Danger (@eddiedangerous) June 14, 2022

The alternative to dating outside of the industry is to either create your own porno power couple or exist in separate spaces of the same industry. I’ve dated plenty of professional escorts. The problems that we face are vastly different, but similar in nature. We can easily provide support toward one-another and commiserate over industry problems, but we are still speaking different languages. Certain forms of escorting are still illegal in a fair majority of the country.  The folks who operate outside of the protection of the law often fall victim to predators who also operate outside of the protection of the law.  However, studio porn pays much less and requires legal identification, tax forms, and a lot of requirements that producers face to operate within the confines of a secure legal system. Although the independent fan sites are trying to keep up (in terms of consent-to-post and release form requirements), they haven’t nailed it. There is still some blurry moral responsibility going on over there that hasn’t been addressed.

The downside of dating another on-camera porn performer seems to be the politics of the industry. Since we’re all connected on Twitter and go to the same award shows and convention appearances and share the same general audience, breakups can get very public and awkward, especially in a world where couples run collaborative OnlyFans sites. You’ll often see a couple gain a massive audience for their homemade porn. People fall in love with the couple and believe in their relationship. The relationship fails. The dirty laundry is aired. The OnlyFans account either becomes defunct or goes to one performer. Once all of the divorce proceedings have been sorted out, now the couple have to deal with how the relationship divides their friendships and professional loyalties. Once the professional fallout is managed, the couple then has to work on handling their audience and their audience’s perception of the break up. Things get messy on Twitter. It’s never fun to watch. But, you see how being a content-creating power couple comes with a lot of outside influence, which may steer the trajectory of the relationship.

Although there are endless configurations of relationship dynamics, the core of the struggle is the maintenance of effective communication. Maybe you don’t like dating someone in the industry. Maybe you don’t like dating somebody who can’t relate to being a sex worker. You learn from your experiences. A relationship is only a waste of time if you can’t learn something about yourself and grow from it.  People need to be honest with one-another and honest with themselves. If your dating habits consistently return poorly on your investment, consider trying a different approach. The book on how to dismantle effectively the indoctrination of modesty and shame has yet to be written, but if we can learn the adequate vocabulary to describe ourselves and the baggage that we bring to the table, the better-prepared we are to be supportive and understanding toward one another. Communication is key.

Are you subscribed to my https://t.co/gINomwbQDg page yet? Someone else just joined, and it should have been you! https://t.co/rLSGhpkN19 pic.twitter.com/hROnc58RgC

— Eddie Danger (@eddiedangerous) July 30, 2022

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