Santa Baby? Nah-uh. Santa Daddy!

Okay, guys, let's talk about the big guy. The great bearded one. The holiday Daddy of all Daddies. Yes, I'm talking about the sexiest Elf we want on our shelf...Santa Claus! Yer boy Hank here is just gonna come right out and say it. Santa can get his claws on me any time! What is it about Santa, for those of us who have an eye for older men, or Daddies, or Bears? Or even just beards?! I think it goes beyond the physical and into the emotional. So let's check out some sexy Santas and try to figure out why they're so appealing!

Personally, I think both of the men pictured above have it going on in different ways. Sure, the guy on the left, the now-famous "Target Santa," has youth and a certain virility on his side, but I know plenty of men who would love nothing more on a cold winter's night than to snuggle up to the bushy bearded and fur-covered (we imagine!) belly of the man on the left. He'd have a lot of us shaking like a bowlful of jelly for lots of naughty reasons!

Speaking of Target Santa...

Played by sexy AF actor and model Brent Bailey, Target's "Hot Santa" was introduced a year or so ago to the joy of cougars and gay men everywhere. Bailey dons some greying hair dye and an elongated beard to portray a more rugged and youthful version of Mr. Clause as he struts around the store after pulling up in his muscular Jeep. But here's what kinda irks me a bit about the whole thing. Bailey, who's super attractive already, is aged slightly for the role of Santa, and then he's described as "weirdly hot." Why "weirdly?" Cuz he's shown as being older? Age is weird? I call shenanigans on that ageism! (I also call shenanigans on Target and their terrible business decisions regarding the queer community and "anti-DEI," but that's a whole other conversation!)

So, wadda ya think this Santa has in that low-hanging sack of his? This speaks to the not-so-subtle sexuality of Santa. If we're good, we get presents. If we're good, we get treats. If we're good, he comes into our house while we're sleeping and leaves behind validation of our goodness. Hell, if I'm that good, I wanna walk in on him and my (imaginary) Dad or hubby going at if next to the fireplace, then having them pause to invite me over! (BTW, I'm a grown-ass adult in this scenario, just FYI!)

Now this is a youthful Santa I can get behind. Just a regular, blue-collar-lookin' stud, big and powerful, who could scoop you up and crush you into that furry chest with his bear hug! What's in his sack? Hell, lemme bury my face in those pits, first!

Above, we have a good example of how I imagine a young Santa Claus might look. Beefy and a ginger, with kind eyes and a hirsute bod you wanna run your fingers through. The old stop-motion animation short holiday classic "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" got the ginger part right...

...but frankly, I'd prefer "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's" Yukon Cornelius in a Santa suit over that other skinny twink!

Hey Yukon, nice pistol ya got there! How does it shoot?

Now here's an interesting take, given a bit of an anime spin. He's got the overt gay sexuality, something I normally eschew as being too obvious, but he also gets some older regal Daddy vibe going with the bondage feel of his cape-harness combo. And my, what a candy cane he has a hold of! And whatever he's packing must be some kinda present!

Then we have fancy dapper Santa...

...and warm and fuzzy Santa...

...and David Harbour's über sexy hawt beat-to-holy-hell Violent Night Santa!

However you take you Santa, be he young or old, full-bodied or ripped to shreds, traditional or a bit twisted, saint or sinner, we hope you have the man of your dreams visiting you this Christmas, coming down yer chimney, and eating the treats you have for him, ready to devour before he gives you yours!

Merry Christmas, you gorgeous perverts!

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