Someone Else Is Going To Try a Straight Pride Event

Okay, yer boy Hank here is aware of the irony in using this pic we drew up to go along with Pride Month news, seeing as how this is about so-called "straight pride." But we're queer, we're here, and we're all about irony. Or something. Anyway, misguided breeders (their word actually...keep reading!) are going to hold a "straight pride" two-day event in Boise, ID, June 20- 21st. "Hetero Awesome" is the brainchild of a bar-owner completely unaware of the irony of his completely not-homo-but-yeah-totally-homo name, Mark Fitzpatrick, I kid you not.

Mr. Fitzpatrick (giggety!) explains in the video on his website that the impetus for his event was that he was looking for something to do on his daughter's birthday, which falls in June, that was in line with his "traditional family values." As he explains, he couldn't go to downtown Boise because of the Pride parades. Apparently, there's a Pride parade every day in downtown Boise all through June, completely ruining this man's birthday plans for his daughter. Incidentally, Boise's Pride celebrations are held in September, so right out of the gate, this guy's a big ol' whiney liar.

Flitzpatrick (on the right) and his...friend...in the fight. Take note of their fabulously coiffed hair.

Photo courtesy of Hetero Awesome, links to webpage.

This ain't your limp-wristed woke fest; it's a full-on celebration of family values with guts. Heterosexual Awesomeness Inc (@heteroawesome) is throwing down to honor God's design and obliterate the anti-family noise–join the tribe, no apologies....This celebration of traditional gender norms and heterosexual awesomeness is set to be... the talk of those who still believe in the charm of a good old-fashioned, non-rainbow-colored party. (Edge Media Network)

Just what every youth wants for her birthday: performative heterosexuality played out in her dad's bar that celebrates the physical act that brought her into God's world. In keeping with his family values and because he wants to celebrate his daughter's birthday in the way God intended, Fitzpatrick, possibly so named because he does, will be offering such drink specials at his Old State Saloon through June as Hetero Male Monday (free pints for breeder males), 15% off entire bill for straight couples each Wednesday, and all-day happy hours for "hetero women." There was also something about specials for all XX and XY people, but it's simply too ridiculous to recount.

The bar owner and former cop, who bought the bar a couple of years ago, which used to be the Eagle Drug Store, and yes, you read that right, his bar is the former Eagle!, held a smaller month-long event last year. His "Heterosexual Awesomeness Month" was simply free beer for straight men on Mondays. Now, as the internet let him know at the time, “An all-male Monday sounds pretty gay to me.” He described his event last year with the following: "Each Monday will be Hetero Male Monday and any heterosexual male dressed like a heterosexual male will receive a free draft beer.” I don't think The Onion could write something funnier, or more gay.

As reported last year by LGBT Nation, Fitzpatrick's previous events included "Open Carry Coffee" mornings, a "Nefarious Vaccine Agenda” event, and something about “NASA Lies and Flat Earth.” Because, of course. But hey, let's bring all these folks with their weapons into a bar, get them liquored up, and set them loose on each other in a totally hetersexual way!

Remember, he said this was all because he was looking for a safe and child-friendly way to celebrate his daughter's birthday.

This celebration of traditional gender norms and heterosexual awesomeness is set to be... the talk of those who still believe in the charm of a good old-fashioned, non-rainbow-colored party.

The event's website promises band stages, food offerings, and kid-friendly spaces, although according to Newsweek reporting on this less than a month ago: "More details about what the event entails or who the organization is partnering with for the festival are yet to be announced." Better get cracking, Mr. Fitzpatrick, time is rocketing!

And as is par for the course, the organizer says he has a team of media influencers and "ambassadors" getting the word out, which includes begging for donations because he doesn't know if any corporate sponsorship will come through. And this is the funniest thing. He promises "DOGE-like transparency" when it comes to those donations!

My advice, if you're in the Boise area? Don't counter-protest. Don't get upset, don't comment on their socials, don't let it rile you. In fact, go join in the fun, in cognito. Gather your bros and beards, do some "hetero cosplay" and get yerself some free beers and 15% off your food bill! Then get on Grindr or Sniffies and see who's in the bar looking for action!

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