Chad’s Sex Tips & Trends: Getting Your Bedroom Hookup Ready

Getting Your Bedroom Hookup Ready

Alright, Sexy Bitches. It's time for another one of my Sex Ted Talks. This one is desperately needed. I can't tell you how many times in the past month I have gone to someone hosting our hookup and the bedroom is NOT HOOKUP READY. Bish, I'm giving you my time and orifices, get your room together. I'm not hooking up in a room from Hostel.

Here is my basic advice for a basic hookup. These are the minimums you need to consider when hosting the perfect hookup:

Don't Be A Hoarder

I'm not stepping in your room if there's literal trash on the floor, or overflowing from the trashcan. Take ten minutes, go around the room, and throw out any empty water bottles, wadded-up Kleenex, pizza boxes, paper plates, etc. It won't kill you I promise and it won't kill the vibe. That also goes with dirty clothes. You don't have to do laundry before I come over, but throw it all in your closet (I promise I will not be looking in your closet) or in your kitchen or I don't care - I don't need to see or smell your dirty socks.

Handy Dandy

Be a handy dandy. LOL. What I mean is, have everything we will need in the top drawer or even on the nightstand ready to go. Once the action starts, I don't need you fumbling around drawer after drawer, looking under your bed, going to the bathroom to get the lube, poppers, or anything else we will need. Also, don't assume I'm bringing everything we will need. I usually have a ready-to-hookup pack, but sometimes when you invite someone over, they are just coming from the gym, work, errands, or another date, and might not have stuff ready to go. The bare minimum is lube. I mean come on. Also, an unused water bottle is always welcome.

Towels

Do I really have to mention this? How many times do I have to sit there in our love juice while you run to the bathroom or the local market to get me a simple towel for cleanup? Literally, order a pack of 20 basic-sized towels from Amazon for less than $15 and keep them just for hookup cleanups. You can also add to your cleanup arsenal by purchasing sex wipes...literally, they make those.

Bedding

Do you have huge comforters with flowers and lace that weigh a million pounds? Do you have forty pillows on your bed? WE DON'T NEED ALL THAT. And I don't need to wait there before you carefully remove everything from the bed. Be ready to go. Have a CLEAN top sheet, a couple of standard-size pillows for comfort during different poses, and we are ready to go.

Personal Items

Do you have a picture of you and your family on your last Disneyland trip on your nightstand? Do you have a picture of you and your grandma at graduation on the headboard? Do you have two of your childhood stuffed animals in your bed? Scan the immediate bedding area and put that stuff away temporarily. Nothing ruins the mood like seeing your mom smiling at me from under her perm.

Roommates?

Am I going to walk in and have to say hi to your roommate who is playing video games in the living room on the way to your room? Is your roommate going to be talking on the phone in the next room so loudly I can hear? Some people aren't bothered by having their roommates (or gasp! family members) know they are hooking up while continuing their lives in the next room. Give me the option and give me the heads up. I don't mind an audience, as long as they are participating. Just let me know what I'm walking into.

Times Up!

If you are on a tight schedule, let me know. I might not want to drive ten miles in LA traffic if, after ten minutes, you say we have to hurry things up. Sometimes I'm up for a pump and go, sometimes not. Just let me know ahead of time.

Easy Access

Please give me all the access info ahead of time. Is there a gate? A valet? An elevator with a key card? Let me know everything ahead of time so I don't have to text you a million times just to get to your front door.

Pets

I love pets. I don't need pets staring at me. I don't need pets jumping into bed while I'm in the middle of relations. I don't need pets barking at me from the moment I walk in. I don't need to wait, awkwardly sitting on your bed while you try and crate your pet. If you are going to pay more attention to your pet than my hole, there's a problem.

Shades

I can't believe I have to say this. But it has been an issue. I've walked into I don't know how many bedrooms with broken blinds or no curtains. Bish, I'm not putting on a free show for the neighbors. Unless they are hot. At least put a sheet up...although that is getting into hoarder territory.

Playlist

Having a speaker for music isn't a must, but sometimes it takes the awkward silence out, can cover up moans for listening neighbors, or add to the energy of it all. Here's the thing. Prep your playlist. Putting your regular music on shuffle isn't going to cut it, I don't need to be pumping to Madonna's "Erotica" and then go into "MMMBop." I use those songs as an example because it literally happened in real life. ALSO, if you can't pay for Spotify premium, don't bother. I'm also not hooking up to a Lexus commercial.

It's Ok To Pass

How many times have we shown up at a hookup's house from Grindr or Sniffies and their pictures were clearly from a different time? Or sometimes the vibe or energy is just off. Guess what? It's just a hookup. It's ok to give a friendly "no thanks" and pass. No harm no foul. You don't need to proceed if you just aren't feeling it.

Do some of these tips seem bitchy? LOL. Look, we are sharing our body, our fluids, our hookup time. If you say you are hosting, you should be prepared to host. It's just respectful. That's my Sex Ted Talk for today. Go out and fornicate!

What are your hookup essentials? Email me! [email protected]