Praise Kinksters Want Your Kind Words to Keep Going

February 29, 2024
HANK ORSO

When does gentle bedroom communication and kind tenderness turn into a kink? Apparently, when social media gives it a name and a whole bunch of TikTok videos, that's when!

So what's "praise kink" you might ask? Well, have you ever been called a "good boy" by your mom when you were younger and you did such a great job at picking out some bananas at the store and placing them neatly in the basket, or when you cleaned your room when asked? Right, so this is not that! As Jake Myers, licensed marriage and relationship therapist writes over at Edge Media Network, "a 'praise kink' encompasses being turned on by compliments, affirmation, general praise, or positive feedback before or during sex, and is sometimes mixed with other BDSM practices."

(Maybe those banana incidents were a start?)

@outtasyncnetnavi ♬ Area Codes - Kaliii

Got a favorite way of being praised?

According to Myers, there's been a shift in the gay community from porny hyper-masculine aggressiveness in the bedroom to a more positive, gentle form of feedback. "Yeah boy, swallow that rod!" has morphed into "Oh man, you're such a good boy, you swallow that so good!" As he puts it, "a gentle coaxing and assuring that their partner is doing something 'correctly' is replacing harsh critiques to do something harder, faster, or better.

And social media has only fueled that warm fuzzy fire. A simple check of the hashtag #praisekink on TikTok shows a plethora of views of both straight and gay-related praise kink videos and responses. And since the middle of Covid lockdowns (mid-2021) searches for the phrase on Google have steeply risen...they have risen indeed! (Because Easter is cumming.)

Photo courtesy of Carnal+

Myers points to a couple of factors, both physiological and situational. Coming out of Covid isolation, the need for a positive connection between humans has been tantamount to some people's healing. That just seems natural. But what's also natural is the rush of dopamine when praised. He points to an article at individual matters.org that says "Genuine compliments and positive recognition improve our moods, inspire cooperation and hard work, and increase motivation." He goes on to explain that the compliment and the resulting dopamine rush to the brain gives you a small high that makes you want to continue the behavior.

In fact, "even the anticipation of a reward raises dopamine levels. In other words, just the expectation of the feeling creates the same effect as experiencing it. Because praise feels good, people will repeat whatever action invited it. The desire for another dopamine release leads them to continue the behavior and habits that initially earned them the compliment." ("The Power of Praise and Positive Reinforcement" at individualmatters.org.)

Here's your "good boy" for the day!

@sugar_r0t Markiplier calls u a good boy #markiplier #praise #praiseknk #pride #markiplieraudio ♬ original sound - ⚰️

So how does this all gel with BDSM kinks wherein a sub gets off on humiliation, degradation, and verbal gruffness? If you ask this geezer, it all seems to be two sides of the same coin. It's about reading your man and responding to what is making his breath rate increase, his pulse run faster, his face flush with an autonomic physical response. If you've been imitating Raging Stallion films with a hearty "Faster! Harder! Open Up NOW!" and his response is to acquiesce with resignation, then maybe you might wanna try flipping the script to something more gentle. "Yeah that's it! That's the way I like it! You really know how to work it. Damn that feels great!"

And you might even be doing your partner some psychological good. Myers quotes licensed psychologist and sex expert Dr. Kate Balestrieri at Bustle.com, "For some, earning praise and recognition can help to satisfy emotional cravings that they may be missing in their life outside of the bedroom....Society and social media often create a landscape where people define their worth through external praise or achievement. Praise kinks can become one more vehicle for people to feel worthy and good enough.”

So go ahead, don't be afraid to be gentle.