Face it, Conservative Snowflakes, Alexander The Great Liked Dudes

February 26, 2024
HANK ORSO

So apparently the new Netflix series about Alexander the Great is causing all kinds of panty-twisting amongst the "real men" of the conservative set. Alexander, the Making of a God allows for the common belief that the ancient world's greatest conquerer and pederast, played in the series by Buck Braithwaite, was indeed enamored of some of the menfolk of his time, especially his childhood friend Hephaestion, played by Will Stevens.

Well ain't that a kick in the rubber parts? Who'd a thunk it? History isn't what some people want to believe so they gotta spoil it for everyone else. I'm guessing that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is trying to find a way to remain relevant by publicly denouncing this titillating bit of history and making the show unavailable to Floridian Netflix subscribers.

GREECE: ALEXANDER WAS NOT GAY
Netflix's docuseries on Alexander the Great faces major backlash from Greek politicians, who have called it 'poor quality fiction' for portraying the Macedonian ruler in a gay relationship with Hephaestion.
Source: DailyMail pic.twitter.com/SMjmktvJwf
— Mario Nawfal (@MarioNawfal) February 20, 2024

So to quickly get you up to speed, Alexander lived from 356-323 B.C.E., was born in Macedonia, a kingdom in NE Greece, and died in the area now known as Iraq. Made king at 19 after his father's assassination, he was schooled by none other than Aristotle, and education that included The Iliad which fostered some serious military wanderlust. With his army, he conquered the Persian Empire and stretched Macedonia all the way to India.

Now, as to who the guy was banging. He was married three times, once for love and twice for political reasons. He had one, possibly two children, one by a wife and one maybe by a mistress, but like many things that came down the ancient pike, it's unclear. But it's his relationship with Hephaestion that most intrigues people, and many want to define only as a close friendship. Yeah, sure Jan.

It's largely from Plutarch's ancient biographies of Alexander that we get some proof to the true nature of their relationship. Speaking to Forbes Magazine, Salima Ikram, professor of Egyptology at the American University of Cairo who appears in the docuseries said "Hephaestion may have been Alexander’s 'greatest love.'" They grew up together and later, Hephaestion became his general, and bodyguard, as well as his "special friend." Describing their visit to Troy, the ancient writer Aelian writes that "Alexander garlanded the tomb of Achilles, and Hephaestion that of Patroclus, the latter hinting that he was a beloved of Alexander, in just the same way as Patroclus was of Achilles."

"Entry of Alexander into Babylon" By Charles Le Brun - [1], Public Domain, https-//commons.wikimedia.org.

Historians agree that their relationship was at least very special, while some contend that it was indeed an ongoing sexual relationship that started in their youth and survived into adulthood. “Hephaistion was the man whom Alexander loved, and for the rest of their lives their relationship remained as intimate as it is now irrecoverable: Alexander was only defeated once, the Cynic philosophers said long after his death, and that was by Hephaistion’s thighs." (Robin Lane Fox, Alexander the Great, 2013.)

Roman historian Athenaeus said that Alexander "was quite excessively keen on boys", and that Alexander kissed the eunuch Bagoas in public, a story also related by Plutarch. But here it must be reiterated that definitions and descriptions of ancient sexuality simply didn't exist as they do now. You can say that sex was sex, but social rules of paederasty, the taking of a young boy by an older man, were in place, were firmly in place. The relationship between Alexander and Hephaistion truly defies a definition because such a coupling by men who were essentially equals would have been verboten. But hey, if it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a gay duck!

The argument, playing out on X and other corners of the internet, made it to the halls of Greece's Parliament as they debated the passing of marriage equality. Greek Culture Minister Lina Mendoni described the series as “fiction of extremely poor quality, lowly content and full of historical inaccuracies.” But she went on to say, when asked whether action would be taken, “The Culture Ministry does not censor… freedom of art has been legislated in the Greek constitution since 1825, and none of its revisions target freedom of expression." (As reported in The Greek Herald.)

Personally I like the idea that their love, in whatever form it took and how deep it was, defies definition. Did they? Were they? Probably. There seems to be enough there to argue for them as a couple as we might call it. We don't want to be guilty of "bisexual erasure" scholar Athena Richardson wrote on the George Washington University website.

And if not, then let's play with the fantasy that when Alexander's army rested for the night, a lot of swords were firmly thrust home into many sheaths!