Ask Chad: Shady In-Laws, Bad Gifts, Peeping Pussy, and Holiday Sex!

Hey Yooooo!!!!

It’s that time of year when the presents start rolling in! Yaassss! You know me, I love a big package. It’s also time for office holiday parties! I LOVE THESE PARTIES. Everyone is messy, horny, and if you’ve ever eyed that coworker, this is the opportunity to get sloppy and make out. Ho ho HOE!

This week, one of you sent an email asking how big my dick was. LOL. Gurl, I’m tall, thin, and redheaded…trust me… it's BIG. Your credit score better be as big. Someone else sent a selfie from the hospital – speedy recovery and hope you have a sexy male nurse whose ass looks amazing in those scrubs!

Anywayyyy, keep those questions coming in, Sexy Bitches, I love reading them! Just like my Sniffies profile says, nothing is off limits: [email protected]

Dear Chad,

We have to go to my partner’s family AGAIN for Christmas. To be honest, I can only take them in small doses and I believe the feeling is mutual. We’ve been going there for the last five years and they still treat me like a Saltburn guest, I even get the crappy guest towels. Because we visit his family, we spend Xmas with my mom the weekend before. I feel bad leaving her alone each year on the actual holiday. At this point, it has become tradition so it’s all planned without question. What can I do?

In-Law Grinch

Dear In-Law Grinch ,

Traditions can be broken. But so can hearts. Tread lightly! Every time I visit the family of someone I am dating I always get the side eye. Maybe because I’m usually making eyes at the dad, who knows? Anywayzzz, I don’t like the idea of leaving your mom alone on Xmas too. So, this sassy pants has a few suggestions: Why can’t your mom join the holiday fun? Having her around will have more people on your team so to speak, and you two would have each other to make fun of the in-laws. ALSO, if you can only take them in small doses I really, really suggest you start staying at a local hotel rather than in their house. That way you can have sex all you want, and have some private time, and it also gives them the sign that maybe they aren’t the most gracious hosts. This is YOUR holiday too, stand your ground!

_____

Dear Chad,

I’ll just get right to it. My boyfriend gives me the WORST gifts. For Christmas, for birthdays, for anything…like the WORST gifts. Here’s the thing. I give great gifts that are usually expensive and very thought out. I’m just tired of putting in all the effort when he’s going to give me something awful. He literally got me a vacuum last year, a Playstation for my birthday (I literally have never played video games), and a record player (I don’t own ANY records). WTF?

White Elephant

Dear White Elephant,

DUMP HIM! JK. Literally, just pick out your own gift, or give him a list. Don’t waste time and don’t fart around. Just tell him exactly what you want, not very romantic but there it is. Also, sell his awful gifts on eBay. Or give them to me! Some people are just bad gift-givers, that’s the truth. The sooner they know that the sooner they can get help for their affliction. There is no shame in just telling him what you want under the tree this year. Tell him for every bad gift he gives, that’s one week of no BJs.

_____

Hi Chad,

I’ve been sleeping with this guy for like two months now. It’s progressed to me sleeping over and even having a toothbrush there. Here’s the thing. His cat is like his best friend. It’s freakish. The cat watches us have sex and then will jump in the bed during. I try to shoo him away and my fuck buddy gets mad and tells me to leave the cat alone and then the moment is ruined. We can’t shut the door because the cat starts literally screaming. AND…at night, the cat will sleep on the pillow between us so no cuddling and it’s uncomfortable to have a fucking cat right next to my face. P.S. the cat hates me.

Cat Query

Dear Cat Query,

There should never be pussy in the bedroom. LOL! My biggest pet peeve is pets in the bedroom. No way, no how. I don’t mind an audience if it’s at the backroom at The Eagle, but not from furry friends. That shit has got to go. Put the cat in a crate, put it outside, donate it to charity —  just get it out of the bedroom. Sounds like the cat has been spoiled, will be a tough growing pain to teach it that it has to stay out of the bedroom from time to time. As far as the nighttime, has your buddy tried a cat bed or something? That may be a losing battle. If he chooses his cat over you, then don’t give him any more dick. There are other guys out there. Not all guys have cats…thank God.

Fleshbot: Plug In Get Off.
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