What Your Gay Gym Attire Says About You

September 19, 2023
BOBBY BEYOND

Finding the perfect gym clothes becomes an art during one’s fitness journey, especially when you’re gay. You want to find something cute, but not too loud. Something revealing, but not skanky. Something comfortable, but not pajamas. There are plenty of options out there, but what does your gym attire say about you? Over my seven years in several gyms from the Midwest to the West Coast, this is what I’ve gathered:

Hoodies and sweatshirts are synonymous with being “pump covers,” a term coined on Instagram. They’re for when you haven’t gotten your pump yet, and want to hide yourself before getting in a few sets. To me, this is a ridiculous heterosexual performance art. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is a difference if you’re wearing a hoodie because you’re cold or shy. But to wear it solely to “reveal” your pump after you do a few bicep curls, you’re a drag queen with no heels on.

If you wear pajama pants to the gym, you’re probably 19. This is a trend I’ve noticed amongst the Gen Z guys, and it comes off as lazy and careless. No, the gym isn’t a fashion runway. But, hear me out, the effort you put into your gym attire sometimes reflects your fitness commitment. The guys I see wearing pajama pants with untamed bedhead usually don’t do much, and what they’re very skilled at is improper form, talking instead of lifting, recording their friends, and flexing in the locker room mirrors with a group of shirtless twinks. They’ll find their way soon, and it’s up to us veteran gym goers to lead by example!

If you’re rocking one of those big-ass Wolfpak backpacks, you want everyone not just in the gym, but in the world to know you’re serious about fitness. There’s a certain smugness that trails behind every single one of these people, and I’m not shaming you for it. You know you’re hot and you think you’re all that and a bag of chips. Just be careful that your confidence doesn’t turn into cockiness.

Ah, time for the infamous stringer tank. You know who rocks these. They typically have amazing physiques, and they want you to see every inch of their pecs, biceps, delts, triceps, shoulders, traps, and lats. Or is it that they want to see it themselves? They’re often seen flexing in the mirrors after each set. They worked hard for their body and they aren’t afraid to be two strings away from having their titties out. These guys are typically kind and ready to correct your form if you’re endangering yourself. They probably sell gear on the side or know where to get it.

Then there are the guys who wear mesh, freeball, and have their shorts so high that their jockstraps pop out from every angle. These guys are horny, and you’ll find them spending most of their time in the steam room and showers, trying to jerk off with other guys. This guy is the reason your gym is on Sniffies.

We can’t ignore the guy in jeans. This behavior is so unhinged that I genuinely can’t comprehend why anyone would go to a gym to work out in a pair of Levi’s. Nice gym shorts are as cheap as $12 at Ross, and you can keep a pair or two in your car for after work. So to me, there is really no good reason to exercise in denim. Please stop immediately.

Whatever you decide to wear to the gym, just make sure it’s comfortable and optimizes your workout. This is just for fun, but please stop wearing jeans, seriously it’s weird. Fitness and health should be first before fashion, but you can still be stylish and comfortable while you’re showing off to the tops at the gym.