Ask Chad: Hairy Backs, Limp Dick, and Sleeping Beauties

Hey Sexy Bitches,

Can the goddamn weather decide what it wants to do? I’m having major wardrobe faux pas because I don’t know what the hell is going on. One weekend, we Los Angelenos are getting drenched by a hurricane, the next weekend we are being scorched to the core. I mean, with all that fluctuation, how do you know what to wear to an orgy? The Burberry raincoat or a Dolce tank top? This also goes along with my advice to date someone whose clothes you can wear. Doubles your wardrobe, and then when you break up, you just steal it all. Talking about wardrobe…did you see the And Just Like That season finale? Thoughts? Those few minutes with Samantha got me wetter than Ross Mathews at a caftan sale.

Keep those questions coming in, Sexies. It keeps me entertained to find out all of us bitches have the same crazy lives and sex trouble. As my Sniffies profile says, Nothing is off limits: [email protected]

Dear Chad,

My boyfriend has a big patch of hair on his back above his butt. I love eating him out, but then get nauseous when I see that patch. Am I being ridiculous? Can I ask him to shave it? Is that rude?

From,

Hairy Quandry

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Dear HQ,

Is that rude? You are asking ME, the queen of rudeness if that’s rude? No, that’s not rude. While I don’t mind some hairy butchness on my guy, we aren’t in the caveman ages. If there’s a weird patch of hair, just wax it off or shave it off. It’s on his back, he doesn’t have to look at it, but the rest of us do. Does he only go to bear pool parties? Tell him to get rid of it, or say goodbye to being rimmed. Just be ready, if you tell him to shave he might tell you to pluck those hairy brows of yours. I’ve never met you, but I have a sixth sense about these things…I feel like your brows would make Frida Kahlo jealous.

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Dear Chad,

My sex drive is down, I’m just not in the mood. I don’t want to hook up, I don’t want to jerk off, I just don’t feel horny at all. Should I be concerned?

From,

Moody

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Dear Moody,

God gave us the gift of the penis to play with whenever we feel like it. It’s a sin to not jerk off daily. LOL. This sounds like you might have some emotional stuff going on, or maybe your testosterone is low. Once you get to a certain age (the perfect age of sugar daddy, by the way), your sex drive can get low. Go to the doctor and see. OR, it could also be the result of not being active, gaining some weight. That makes the libido low as well. Go for a jog… in a park…full of sexy men in the bushes…wait, what was I talking about again?

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Dear Chad,

My partner has started falling asleep on the sofa while we watch TV and I cover him with a blanket then go to our bed and get the best night’s sleep. Am I a jerk for loving to have the bed all to myself?

From,

Sleepy

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Hey Sleepy,

First of all, I don’t share my bed overnight if he doesn’t have a credit score over 750. I also can’t stand the sound of someone snoring next to my ear. I love sleeping on my own. Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t like cuddling and fucking time in bed. But a bitch needs her beauty sleep. I do know of a lot of couples that don’t sleep in the same bed after a few years of being together. How do I know this? Cause I’m usually in their partner’s bed. LOL. It’s not totally unusual to want nighttime space to yourself. Have a conversation with him, see if he’s sleeping better too. Or just keep slipping NyQuil into his pinto grigio at night.

Got a question for me? Nothing is off-limits! Email me: [email protected]  Until next time!