Bobby Beyond: Date Smarter, Not Harder

September 4, 2023
BOBBY BEYOND

Does dating feel like you’re looking for a needle in a haystack? Or worse, it’s as painful as looking for a hay straw in a needle stack! This could be because dating is an extremely vulnerable and intimate experience, or could it be that you picked a stack of needles to dig through? Two things can be true, but the latter will cause more pain than anything else you were expecting. Are you looking in the wrong pile of men? Are all men awful and you’re just trying to find the least-awful one? Or is it something else? There are so many questions you could ask yourself, but I believe the first one should be, “What am I ready for?”

Everyone is looking for someone different, but if we boil them down to their most basic features they’d probably include: being attractive, financially stable, humorous, having common interests, kind, intelligent, and having his life together. Sure a few of those are based on a subjective perspective, but, in the end, we all just want someone to make us happy. Men are not a one-size-fits-all, and neither are we. Therefore, in order to make us happy, we must first date ourselves to find exactly the right attributes we want. You may think you know yourself, but I promise there’s nothing more eye-opening than dating yourself. Yes, this means doing things on your own or with friends, but instead of observing a potential lover, you observe yourself. Try this first to find out what kind of lover you personally want and need, then the hunt can begin!

via GIPHY

Onto a bigger issue that no one wants to acknowledge until it’s too late, time. This one will take down even the most perfect couples because if you don’t make time for your partner, they won’t stick around. You have to be real with yourself in terms of what type of relationship you have time for. Some people want a full-time relationship, but their job(s), schooling, and other hobbies encompass the totality of their schedule. When do you have time for a man if you’re going straight from job number one to school, and then to job number two after? It’s okay if you’re in a pinch for time, but don’t set yourself and someone else up for failure by overpromising time that you don’t have! Instead, be realistic that you can only commit to a part-time situation for the time being.

Speaking of part-time situations… don’t keep stringing along Barry when you really have eyes for Harry! Some people’s solution to not being lonely is keeping someone on hold while you are really waiting for another guy to pick up the phone. This is cruel. If you’re not into him, be honest. It’s okay to have a fuck buddy, but don’t keep dodging his romantic gestures and ignoring the elephant in the room. Breaking someone else’s heart will feel worse in the long run than telling him you just want to have sex at the start. Keep it simple, finish one man before you start another one.

via GIPHY

The next item on your checklist is to find out if, and with what a man nurtures you. Part of being human is making our lives more complicated than they actually are. We need love, attention, food, water, sleep, and yes… sex. Pay attention to if he’s nurturing you and how. Does he never ask you about your day or how you are? Does he only talk about himself and how he feels? Is seeing you conditional only to his schedule? If so, he’s not nurturing you, he’s nurturing himself. And if he is nurturing you, with what? Is his idea of spending quality time with you constantly filled with drugs, alcohol, and partying? Sure partying is fun, but if you’re spending more time drinking and doing drugs with him than anything else, he’s not nurturing you. He’s poisoning you! If you want a healthy and balanced relationship, you have to choose the man who nurtures you with food and water, not bumps and tequila.

Along the lines of nurturing, we must talk about sex. Fucking on the first date doesn’t eliminate the possibility of a relationship, if he really likes you, he’ll come back. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t say a lot of men won’t be texting you back the next day. Sex is tricky because there are the guys who just want to get in your pants and the ones who can’t wait to again. If you can see this guy being more than just a fuck, wait till the second or third date. If you’re unsure and horny af, go for it. Use your discretion and know that if he doesn’t follow up after, it’s on him and not you. That’s all he wanted and you holding it out or giving it up wouldn’t have turned him into a husband.

via GIPHY

It’s rough out there, but I hope I’ve given you something to help with your dating journey. We watch movies and listen to songs about finding the perfect man, but in reality, there is no perfect man or perfect path to finding him. Get to know who you are and what you need. Make sure you have the time for a man. Focus on one at a time. Find the one who nurtures you. And lastly, use your gut when it comes to sex. Happy hunting!