Digging Deeper with Dillon Diaz: Body-oddy-oddy Dysmorphia

DIGGING DEEPER WITH DILLON DIAZ: BODY-ODDY-ODDY (PT 1)

I am Dillon Diaz and this is Digging Deeper, my bi-monthly column where we will discuss everything porn.

Body dysmorphic disorder is quite a multifaceted topic. Let’s start by defining it. A mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. The flaw may be minor or even imagined. But the person may spend hours a day trying to fix it. The person may try many cosmetic procedures or exercise excessively. They may spend a lot of time comparing themselves to others. Some may spend a lot of time looking at themself in the mirror or avoid mirrors altogether.

Treatment can help but it is not curable. Treatment consists of counseling and antidepressant medication.

With that said how do you know if you have it? It has been said that we are our own worst critics. Where is the line between being conscious of your appearance and having a medical disorder? I have read that a medical diagnosis is required but I don’t think it's that hard to tell if this is you after doing even a minimal amount of research. Nonetheless, I am not an expert and I don’t want to contradict the experts. If you think you may have this disorder and you want and or need help please seek counseling.

For those of us who are adult industry performers, one place you can look for help is at Pineapple Support. They have many resources available and you can start by visiting their website, PineappleSupport.org, or email them at [email protected].

For other resources or for those who are not adult industry performers, a Google search will uncover a plethora of help options. With there being so many online counseling options, I would start there.

Dillon Diaz for Falcon Studios.

Now I’d like to share my story. I have always had insecurities about my physical appearance. I was too thin, my hair was too curly, my skin too brown, my teeth were a mess and I have to wear glasses to see. Time has changed some of that… Now I’m too fat, I've made peace with my hair, my skin isn’t brown enough but that’s what filters and makeup are for, these veneers have changed everything, and my glasses have become an accessory I enjoy playing with. Overall I am in a much better place but I still obsess over my body.

It’s funny how someone who has so many misgivings about their body ended up building a career in an industry where one's physical appearance is so important. But I can explain. While I have concerns about the way I look, I have received lots of positive reinforcement from others on my physical appearance and while I hate to admit it—it helps. However, I live in fear of the day when others start to agree with me and say, you have gotten a little too fat.

When I started working in porn, I was relatively happy with the way I looked. I have never been over the moon ecstatic with my appearance but I was in an acceptable position. Of course, I would compare myself to the other guys and this provided constant pressure to fit in. There are so many different types to choose from. I decided on muscle stud.

I push myself at the gym and try to eat the right things more often than not, and, up until Covid vacation, this was working for me. In November of 2019, I was in the best shape of my life. I can see that now. At the time I wasn’t satisfied but looking back I can clearly see I was at my best.

While some spent the time off improving themselves I panicked. I fell to pieces. I binge-watched bad television, ate whatever I wanted and as much of it as I could afford, and didn’t workout at all. Surprisingly, my body held up longer than I could have imagined but my new lifestyle did catch up to me. And when it did it was hard to undo. In fact, I’m still trying to reverse the damage I did. Meanwhile, I’m still getting positive feedback but I’m finding it harder and harder to believe.

So I will keep pushing myself at the gym, keep trying to eat better, keep throwing money at Ariel from the Med Spa and, when my budget permits, I would even consider cosmetic surgery. Or maybe I should pull back on my beauty budget and get some good counseling. The problem is more mental than physical. I accept that but I’d still rather remedy the physical aspect of it at this time.

Lately, I have wondered how the other guys are dealing with the pressure to look good. I found myself Googling some of my favorite performers who have had long careers to see what they looked like when they were just starting out compared to what they look like today and I have found it comforting. They have changed too AND THEY ARE STILL BEAUTIFUL!

I would LOVE to normalize aging gracefully. Just let it happen and connect with people who appreciate the shape that I’m in now but that is not realistic for me at the moment. As a culture, we are obsessed with youth and beauty. That is especially the case in Queer communities. Our physical appearance is so tightly tied to our identities and sense of worth. I will more than likely fight it for as long as I can.

It is so much easier to give advice than to accept it so now that I’ve shared my story I want to take the focus off of me for a second and say to anyone else who is struggling with body dysmorphia—You are beautiful. You are more beautiful than you realize. Please be easy on yourself. Show yourself that same tender love you show others, you deserve It. Everything is going to be ok.

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