Jack Andy Killing Construct Vol 11: Saint Expectation Syndrome

February 11, 2023
JACK ANDY

Do you remember where you met the man you’re in a relationship with or dating now, or the last man you were in a relationship with or dated? I can spell out the scenarios there’s only three main ones. They were on Grindr, being a ho. They were at a sex party, being a ho. They were out socializing and drinking, being a ho. Then they met you and were a ho with you, but something stuck out with this person with the way they acted, the way you communicated, and the way it felt. You found them sexy, interesting, desirable and you just hit it off.

That about sums it up right? So then you start dating and they can do no wrong, they're just perfect until you realize, they’re still being a ho. They’re flirting, sometimes still on Grindr, they’re stuffing butts or getting their but stuffed and that’s ok because you found them desirable and other people will also so you may even participate a little bit, or go ho on your own because they are and it's ok. Until you realize you both are being a ho on a different level.

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— DaddyJackAndy (@DaddyJackAndy) February 4, 2023

Is he being a ho too much? More than you? Is he not being a ho with you enough? Are you enough? Why does he have to ho so much? You don’t ho this much. So you tell him you don’t ho this much and you wonder when is enough going to be enough. You basically just want more attention from him and connection, so you tell him to spend time with you and maybe not ho as much. So you make him think maybe he does ho too much but he really likes you and doesn’t want to slow down, so he doesn’t and now there's drama because you can’t help but make him feel bad for it. You can’t help it, it's compulsive because you’re trying to get him to only ho when you want to ho or slow him down so you can ho some more and at least be as much of, if not more of a ho than he is, but you’re too tired from work or don’t have the drive. So you resent how much hoing he can do in his free time til eventually you blow up!

That’s it! He hoes too much, which means he doesn’t care about you, so fuck him! Then you break up and you begin to go back out and be just as much of a ho as he was.

Newsflash fellas. You’re a ho, and you met him being a ho at the same time. This man you were interested in was never a saint, and he’ll never be one because he is a man. Just like you. I’ll go one better, he is a man that makes mistakes. He might do drugs, or stay out too late, or get drunk, and the whole time he’ll be thinking about himself only. So sometimes he’s a stupid messy ho, and sometimes so are you. We men are all hoes!

The phrase “we’ve all been there” exists because we've all been there.

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— DaddyJackAndy (@DaddyJackAndy) January 27, 2023

I see this dynamic in relationships all the time, where one partner is being more sensible than the other and they use that as a platform to be judgy. Sometimes they even switch places and they both play the judgemental role. Which in some situations can be healthy if you keep each other in check, but most of the time it's just an unhealthy cycle of expecting your partner to match your saint-like behavior when you feel you’re giving off that saint-like vibe and wanting them to “be better.”

You have this expectation in your head that if you’re being a saint in the relationship they need to be. You have Saint Expectation Syndrome and its bullshit. Gay men always seem to develop this expectation that when they settle down with someone they expect them to settle down the same way they did, but your version of settled isn’t everyone's. Much like parents want their kid to follow in their footsteps, we expect our partners to fall in line to our idea of what a fantasy relationship is, and just like a parent cannot control what their child will be, in a relationship we cannot control what our partner will do. No amount of resentment, anger, or judgment will ever change the fact your control over them is an illusion.

When I got together with my partner I remember him telling me he couldn’t see me because he wasn’t showered, shaved, or looked tired and I told him he wasn’t required to be perfect when he was in my presence because I wouldn’t do that for him. I told him I wanted our relationship to be based on the fact that we learn to accept each other's imperfections, because being perfect is exhausting. The same thing applies to sex. This saint-like behavior you expect out of your partner is just your drive to control them to be perfect for you.

We’ve gotta stop boys. I’ve slept with most of ya and you’re no saint. I’m not either. There is a deep rooted construct where gay men entering a relationship are suddenly supposed to act like a saint and we won’t. There are no white picket fences in this community anymore.

My https://t.co/Z8bSujm8bM page is where it's at, and I just got a new subscriber! https://t.co/Qcdqf6vUBu pic.twitter.com/By3uEQtCDP
— DaddyJackAndy (@DaddyJackAndy) December 30, 2022

Freeing yourself of that expectation is where the fun begins.

What if your partner went out all night and got pounded and you slept just like you wanted to, but still woke up and were happy for you both. There’s always a next time. There will also be a time where the roles are reversed. Would you want to come home to someone judgy or do you want to be the safe space for your partner? Part of being in a relationship is learning how to be happy for your partner when your partner is fulfilled. Ultimately that is what we want for them anyway. You got with them being like they were so staying with them like they are is the highest form of acceptance. You have to remember that while you are accepting them how they are they are accepting you how you are. Messy stupid ho version of you as well. So don’t expect them to be a saint.

Instead expect them to be themselves. Love them as they are and try your best to realize that even at their worst they are still forgivable and acceptable. Just like when you met them. I’d consider nothing more saint-like than knowing I can expect that out of my partner which is a version of SES that I can get into. Because that kind of love is the kind that lasts forever.