Why I Want to Fuck All Five of the 2022 Best Actor Oscar Nominees: A Dissertation.

Five men, one rock hard golden phallus. Hi, my name is Tommy, and I fucking love the Oscars. I love the pageantry, I love the drama, I love the celebration of art and artistic talent! I love it all. And this year…oh lord. This year we have 5 sexy men across the board. Andrew Garfield (tick, tick… BOOM!), Benedict Cumberbatch (The Power of the Dog), Denzel Washington (The Tragedy of Macbeth), Javier Bardem (Being the Ricardos), and Will Smith (King Richard). Here is the order of men I want to win the Oscar based on who I want to sleep with.

Hailing from the great city of Philadelphia, in I believe the Western portion thereof, a young William Smith grew up spending most of his days on playground where he was known for chilling out, for maxing, and for relaxing…oh, what’s the phrase I’m looking for—ah, yes: “all cool.” That young man would grow up to be the number one spot in Tommy from Cybersocket’s "List of Men He Wants to Fuck From the Pool of Best Actor Nominees." This prestigious slot is shared with allllll the men of Philadelphia. Smith is both sexy and adorable, he's a box office behemoth, and he's a brilliant actor, to boot. Not for nothing, he's also apparently infamously bi/open.

Next up is Andrew Garfield. Listen, if we’re just going on sheer looks...if we’re just going on sheer vibes, then I think Andrew Garfield fucks real well. He’s got that public school boy (what Brits call private school—I know…so dumb) vibe and you know with a mug like that he’s probably a great kisser. I’m split between trying to decide if he’s a secret frat bro who can blow your back out, or if he just wants to lay there while you go to town. Porque no los dos?

Speaking of (/in) Spanish, Spanish daddy Javier Bardem is next on my list. He’s hot, he’s grizzled, and he’s got that vibe that says he’ll fuck you slow throughout the night, and STILL have coffee made in the morning. And it’s gonna be really good coffee, too. Like one of those Bodum pour-over coffee things. I’ll be your Bodum any day, Javi.

Then there is Denzel. There has never, in the history of this man’s life, been a year when Denzel Washington wasn’t absolutely hot as fuck. He was sexy in his early 30s (Mo’ Better Blues, anyone?). In his first movie, 1981’s cringey/outdated Carbon Copy, Denzel was not only sexy as hell (that chest. woof.), but also proved he was funny, too. And he’s only gotten better with age. In Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of Macbeth, Denzel delivers not only an amazing performance, but also a smoldering one.

Finally, we have Benedict Cumberbatch. Benedict the man just doesn’t exude sexuality to me. The character he played in The Power of the Dog, however, can FUCK. And the character’s meanness in life suddenly drops away and he’s actually a surprisingly tender lover prolly. But, like, because he’s so angry, he can still fuck you good, but it’s not like ANGRY-angry, ya know? I would love to have sex with the character he plays…I just don’t know what to do with the man Benedict Cumberbatch (*shrug emoji*).

Cybersocket—Plug In. Get Off. Questions? Comments? Email us at [email protected].