The Gods of Mount Olympus – A Look At The 10 Hottest Guys On Team USA at the 2022 Olympics

A year ending 2, 6, or 0. That can mean only one thing: the Winter Olympics. Actually, it can also mean an election year. Shit, and sometimes it means a leap year, too. Omg, fine. It means a lot of things. STFU. But this year is in fact the Winter Olympics, so it’s time to take a look at which Olympians bring the most pride to Team USA. And by “pride”, I mean whose hole is a goal I want to shoot into? Which skier can use my ass for moguls practice? And most importantly which bobsledder can use my throat like an ice luge? This year, like so many others, the asses are ample and the bulges bountiful!

Johnny Hooper

 
At the top of my list is Team USA’s Johnny Hooper. Born in Japan, this gorgeous water polo player is just so goddamn beautiful. If this were land polo, I’d tell him to ride me, but since it’s water polo I guess he can fuck me up below (real-talk, water polo is a surprisingly violent sport below the surface of the water). He won’t be competing in the winter since water polo is a summer sport, but goddammit he’s at the top of my list so I’m keeping him right where he is: at the top of my list.

Nick Abruzzese

 
Next is Nick Abruzzese. This 22 year old Harvard hockey player is just such a stud, and would have been one of my biggest crushes if we went to college together. Unfortunately, he’s a current senior and I graduated college in (*mumbles words*). But that’s okay… I’m happy to play the grad student teacher in this scenario.

Zach Donohue

What kind of homo would I be if I didn’t bring in figure skating, though, ya know? Repping Team USA, Zach Donohue’s figure has been skating through my mind all month. With an ass for days and a head of hair perfect for grabbing onto, I wouldn’t mind Zach’s skates on my shoulders this winter.

Tucker West

 
I mentioned an ice luge. I also mentioned which athlete could turn my throat into one. Enter Tucker West. Tucker can tuck his way into me anytime/anywhere he wants. But since we’re sticking with the ice luge metaphor, he’ll really need to warm it up. I’m sure enough friction will do the trick.

Joey Mantia

 
Now for those of you who are not the long lasters of the group, let’s take a look at the men’s Speed Skating team. 28-time World Champion Joey Mantia is so sexy I don’t know what I want to do first. He’s 5’8” so the dom top side of me wants to just fuck him into the 2026 Winter Olympics, but those muscles…my god those muscles. His quads are so big he can wrap them around my head, snap it off, and call it a sport. I DON’T CARE. Woof.

Chris Plys

 
Next we come in—excuse me… “to...” we come TO curler Chris Plys. Competing in his third Olympics (though, was an alternate in his first), Chris looks like he just stepped out of an ad from a Denver tourism campaign. Chris and I plan to spend a long weekend flip fucking and enjoying a nice wood-burning fire. All of my readers should def keep an eye out for “Save the Dates” in the future.

Brad Wilson

 
But who is going to use my ass for moguls practice? WHO I ASK YOU? Giving us major husband vibes, freestyle skier Brad Wilson is so cute and handsome. He’s the type of guy who I want to fuck me and then I make him breakfast. But here’s the deal…he’d still make ME breakfast. That’s just the kind of husband he is.

Nick Page

 
Also a freestyle skier, I wouldn’t mind going to bed with Nick Page. But this 19 year-old twink will be taking ski pole if I have anything to say about it. He looks so sweet, but those are always the ones who ask you to destroy their ass and beg you to put your arm around their neck while you fuck them from behind, ya know? I will happily oblige.

Devin Armani Booker

 
Another Olympian not competing in the Winter Olympics but still needs to be on my list of sexy Olympians is Devin Armani Booker. Let’s just start with the obvious: that middle name is a fucking flex and I’m here for it; kudos to his parents. Aside from the sexy name, this beautiful man is one of Team USA’s best basketball players. Hailing from the Phoenix Suns, Devin’s got me rising quickly.

Pita Taufatofua

 
Finally, I just want to give a forever shoutout to Tongan Olympic martial artist and skier, Pita Taufatofua. Taufatofua made waves in the 2016 Olympics when he became known as the “oiled up Tongan.” At 6’4” this Olympian god among men set a world record by becoming the first Olympian to compete in three consecutive Olympics (2016, 2018, 2020). He can literally do whatever he wants to me and I’ll happily go three rounds with him. It should also be noted that he and I share a birthday. I’ve already dated two men who share my birthday, why don’t we make it three?

Cybersocket—Plug In. Get Off. Questions? Comments? Email us at [email protected].