Are You Still Watching? 6 Streaming Shows to Watch If You’re Horny

Y’all… I’m in a relationship, and it’s quite possibly the healthiest relationship in my life. It’s lasted for about 10 years and I always try to say exactly what I want, which means our relationship can be more accurately tailored to who I am. An important part of any relationship, though, is the sexual chemistry. And after a decade together, I’m left to wonder who’s making who horny: me, or my love…Netflix?

I know that at the very least Netflix is making me horny. But, if I am to believe that Netflix is an algorithm that adjusts itself based on my wants and needs, than aren’t I, too, affecting Netflix’s level of horniness? I’m just asking the tough questions, people. And now we’re really through the looking glass (or as we call it: a glory hole). Here’s a rundown of the horniest shows on Netflix.

First up, Netflix’s Emily In Paris. While the show may be incredibly structurally weak (with the most uninteresting plotline being that of the eponymous ad agent), it does offer us some of the most holy-shit-gorgeous men on the screen today. At the top of the list is Lucien Laviscount who plays the British BF with a thick cockney accent. I’m not going to debase myself by making a joke about “cockney.” I’m above that (LUCIEN, IF YOU'RE READING THIS CAN WE HAVE SEX, PLEASE?). The rest of the male cast is also sexy as fuck. Lucas Bravo, Samuel Arnold, Kevin Diaz, and Jin Xian Mao all could get it.

Okay, I’m gonna get flack for this one, but hear me out: The Handmaid’s Tale on Hulu. Not the show itself,  because that’d be weird (duh), but the men on the show are all hot as fuck. While the show isn't a "horny show," per se, I am going to remove the problematic nature of their characters’ characters, and simply objectify them as sexual objects with whom I want to fuck around. See? It’s not problematic like that, right?…Right? Max Minghella is bae as fuck, Daddy Bradley Whitford can forever get it, Joseph Fiennes is giving us peak wolf, and O-T Fagbenle is full-stop forever one of my biggest celebrity crushes. Ever since HBO’s Looking, I have been following O-T’s career closely, and my god he is rudely sexy. Also, historically one of the biggest LGBTQ+ allies, and forever one of the hottest men on the screen, Christopher Meloni is in the third season as a big-assed suit with some major gay undertones. Woof.

Amazon Prime’s Marvelous Mrs. Maisel offers us up some surprisingly non-kosher meat in the forms of Zachary Levi, Michael Zegen, Leroy McClain, and Luke Kirby. The show may suffer from a surprising amount of goy boys for such a Jewish show, but goddamn all of them make me want to have my heels to Yaweh calling out “Yes, Abba!” And not for nothing, as a fellow stand-up comic, I’ve always loved Lenny Bruce, but I’ve never wanted to fuck him necessarily; Luke Kirby has changed that. Everyone knows the best sex is the kind where you’re comfortable enough with the person to laugh during it while still maintaining peak horniness. Kirby’s Bruce has me laughing all the way to the next orgy, because damn.

Much like The Handmaid’s Tale, Netflix’s Outlander has an incredibly problematic relationship with sex, but my god the men of that show are just too damn sexy. Sam Heughan as the sexy, kilted, badass is just too dreamy. I would happily sacrifice plumbing, electricity, and internet to be his wench in the 1800s. The way he would no doubt handle my plumbing would be a spark enough for our connection to last. The show is also filled with a ton of gruff men-of-the-land, like Graham McTavish, who could break me in half, and David Berry, who I want to break in half. Wow this show brings out the pre-Industrial Revolution brand of toxic masculinity in me. There is, however, a scene involving Tobias Menzies that will prevent me from ever finding him attractive again (*shudders*).

Then we have Lost In Space. This may seem like an odd contender for sexy shows since it could be dismissed as a frivolous Sci-Fi fantasy, but the reality is this fun fiction has some of the sexiest men on TV today. Ignacio Serricchio is so fucking sexy, it sends my head into orbit, and Toby Stevens as the patriarch, John Robinson, is serving up sexy, competent, daddy with a high EQ. Finally, I don’t need a low-G planet to get my G tingling when Raza Jaffrey is on screen. I first saw Jaffrey on NBC’s Smash (Mom, Dad, I’m gay.) and ever since I’ve been so turned on by peak “husband material” energy. This is a man I want to marry, and luckily, gay marriage is legal in most of the galaxy.

Next up is Season 14 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I will write a separate piece on which ones I want to fuck out-of-drag, but suffice to say the performers this season are as sexy as a they are talented. I want to fuck half of them out of drag, and a few of them could even get it in drag tbqfh. Since I watch on my Roku, I’m just gonna throw this in the general “streaming” pile.

My relationship with streaming services is constantly growing, and since I’m not just dating Netflix, I suppose it’s a polyamorous relationship. But Netflix is definitely the most open to growing with me, which is very important to me, ya know? And as long as the check-ins when we haven’t communicated in a while keep happening (“Are you still watching?”) then I’ll keep saying, “Yes, Netflix. I’m still here. And I always will be, my love.”

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