The Top Story at the Bottom of 2021…in Verse: Breaking Down Grindr Stats Around the World

January 11, 2022
TOMMY

Grindr released its usage stats for 2021 and the results are as varied as the tastes of the roughly 13 million people they represent. Most surprising to me is that no American city fell in the top 5 for percentage of tops & bottoms, but we’ll get there. For now, let’s sift through the numbers.

Sorry NYC, LA, Philly, Chicago, and Boston… but if you want the best chance of fucking on any given day or night, your best bet isn’t to go out to your local bar; your best bet is to hop on a flight to Paris. Coming in the top’s spot, the City of Light has the Most Users Per City. So, if you’re looking to get Eiffel Towered, Paris is the place to be. If you want your cul to be stuffed with the creamiest of brie, or if you’ve got a gorgeous baguette to share with les hommes, then the Men of the Seine are ready for you. And remember: no one ever said #GodHatesBaguettes. On a personal note, this is great news for me, since I’ll be increasing Paris’ amount of users by one this April.

If you’re not looking to hop the Atlantic, you need not worry. America is the country with the Highest Percentage of People ‘Looking for Right Now.’ If there’s one thing Americans hate, it’s having to wait. We’re infamously impatient and we’ve grown accustomed to having that thirst slaked as quickly as our poppered up capillaries dilate. Whether with fast food or fast lovers, we love having our bellies filled quickly. Maybe we should have a fast food chain for adults only. And the toy in the Happiest Meal™ is a cute lil’ anal bead. Let’s workshop it.

Are you a bottom? Do you identify as a #TotalBottom? Does the idea of topping make you just want to throw a tantrum?! Then the Philippines is the place for you. The Top Top Spot according to Grindr is this beautiful island nation in South East Asia. Filled with some of the most beautiful men and women imaginable, the Philippines is also one of the most gay-friendly countries in the world. Many consider it the most gay-friendly city in Asia.

But maybe personal anal stimulation just isn’t your thing. Maybe the only person going in your ass is your proctologist when you turn 50. And, hey! We all have our preferences. If it’s bottoms you’re in search of, then it’s time to leave your home in the Philippines (apparently), and take the quick flight west across the Sea of China and slide yourself into Vietnam’s DMs. If you want a sexy bottom looking to get fucked, Vietnam has the Highest Percentage of Bottoms. The Bois of Hanoi are looking and if you play your cards right you might just have a “Gooooooooooood morning (in) Vietnam!”

If monogamy is your thing, there are a few countries that might best be avoided, but none more than our world’s second most populated country, India. According to Grindr’s metrics, the award for the Highest Percentage of Open Relationships goes to this country of almost 1.4 billion people. Indian Queers on Grindr believe in having as many romantic partners as they believe in gods, making India the place to be if you want to spread your love to more than one person.

Finally, who’s listening to what songs on Grindr? Are you looking to Call Me By Your Name (#2)? Or maybe your kinkier side makes you want to drop to your knees and say, “Rain On Me” (#3). Maybe you’re one of those randos who’s inexplicably on Grindr and is “NOT JUST LOOKING FOR A HOOKUP!!!” (we got it, boo. chill.) and is looking to be Happier Than Ever (#5) with the person of your dreams. None of that matters, ultimately. It’s the song that no one on the DL seems to ever want to say: Kiss Me More. This bop by Doja Cat (feat. SZA) takes the cake as the Top Grindr Profile Song. And if you prefer Scruff to Grindr, then accept my SINCEREST apologies. Go Easy On Me (#4).