I Had A Dream That Pete Buttigieg Gave Me A COVID-19 Test (STORY TIME)

October 26, 2020
HIS_EXCELLENCY

Well, it finally happened. A pandemic, a former presidential hopeful, and my unbridled internal eroticism converged for a night of test-taking passion that neither I nor my nose holes will soon forget. I dreamt that Pete Buttigieg gave me a COVID-19 test. And just like everyone who has received a COVID-19 test testifies - he went deeper than I thought was possible.

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A post shared by buddy_truman_edge (@boot_edge_edge) on Apr 27, 2020 at 10:08am PDT

Here is my story. Along with a group of people (possibly journalists?) I followed Pete Buttigieg around in the woods. It was dusk and there was a haunted house-esque way we were moving about our surroundings. I couldn't see where Pete was leading us, but I wasn't worried. For as dark and claustrophobic as the woods were, I felt safe. I felt... held. Lol. But like really. Pete was his current slightly-salt-and-pepper self, and was wearing one of his iconic midwestern suit barn ensembles. Sure his suit was cheap. But I felt cheaper.

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A post shared by buddy_truman_edge (@boot_edge_edge) on Apr 25, 2020 at 8:21am PDT

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A post shared by buddy_truman_edge (@boot_edge_edge) on Apr 12, 2020 at 11:21am PDT

As Pete was leading us around and hitting his talking points (I can't remember what he said, but I remember that his lips were moving) I realized that he was making eye contact with me whenever possible. He would steal glances and throw cute little expressions my way. This is pretty much a celebrity crush trope, but let me tell you, it's a trope for a reason. It's the eye equivalent of playing footsie at a crowded dinner party. Pete took notice of me, and everything about the way he was looking my way indicated that he had some dirty things in mind for later.

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A post shared by buddy_truman_edge (@boot_edge_edge) on May 5, 2020 at 11:35am PDT

But how can a girl be sure? I wasn't confident enough to reciprocate Pete's flirty advances for fear that I was reading into things. After all, wry smiles and subtle lip-licking does not a consummation make. But then, the litmus test for love occurred. Out of nowhere, Pete stopped walking and abruptly turned around to shove his 6" COVID-19 swap deep inside my face. While. Everyone. Watched. I truly wish I could have lingered in that moment longer, but sadly, the second Pete sampled my insides, I woke up.

But what I can't figure out is - what does this all mean??