Queer Abby: I Fell In Love At First Dick 20 Years Ago. What Now?

Queer Abby,

My problem isn’t really a problem, but sort of a search for validation. I will preface this by saying I adhere to rationalism. I believe things can be explained by science and logic. Not all things can be explained using those criteria but work to find the closest reasoning.

I met a man online 20+ years ago (yep we had gay internet then). We connected in a gay chat room and had some banter between ourselves about becoming fuck buddies. He was a divorced gay businessman that traveled to the US, and I was a married man coming into the realization that I was gay. We decided to meet up the next time he was in US. We exchanged emails, some phone calls and pictures. I - face and full frontal dick pics. him - face and dick.

When I first looked at his portrait shot I was struck by a feeling of overwhelming emotion that I couldn’t rationalize other than to call it "love at first sight."  I was married and thought at most that I was bi and only interested in swapping cum. I couldn’t be in love with another guy. He was only interested in sex too. I researched online for advice and information on love at first sight and most said it could be just an infatuation/obsession of some sort that would probably pass.

I kept it to myself and we had infrequent connections over the first 5 years. Mostly traded emails etc.

Then he got me involved in his work as a part-time rep.  By this time I had told him I had strong feelings for him. He was a good friend with benefits. He was remiss to break up my marriage. By this time the marriage had gone south and was emotionless and sexless. Eventually I said I loved him but he had some serious health issues and didn’t want me to be tied to him even though he had come to love me too. Every time I left him at the airport after meeting with him, I felt like my heart was ripped out from parting with him. With the illness he didn’t travel to the US but I told him I loved him, support him and would stay by his side.

Years pass, he gets somewhat better. I become more involved in his work and love him still but not with the white-hot intensity of years ago. He loves me too. We still live apart but are working toward the day we are two old gays sitting by our pool in Palm Springs sipping martinis, smoking weed and recalling the halcyon days of our prime.

So is this all fairy tale shit? Has anyone else ever experienced love at first sight? That lasts? Because this rationalist can't explain it, but not question it?

- Love-Struck Lothario

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Dear Love-Struck Lothario,

Are you humble gagging about your hot foreign piece? It sounds like you're happy with this long-distance relationship, but might be feeling like you put all your eggs in one yummy foreign basket - a move that hinged on the love-at-first-sight you experienced twenty-something-years ago. While all is good in the hood, the fact that you're bringing this up to Queer Abs probably means you're experiencing a hint of doubt? The clock is ticking. Are you willing to risk spinsterhood on a hunch you had decades ago about a relationship fraught with real-world hurdles (sickness, distance, etc.)? Are you blinded by "love at first sight" and currently overlooking an unidentified eligible man who has a higher likelihood of actually accompanying you at your Palm Springs abode? Questions worth thinking about.

This man provided the sexual/romantic/intimate connection that you needed as a closeted married man, so he should and will always have a special place in your heart. And your penis. But to paraphrase Sheryl Crow (yes, Queer Abby is a bit of a poet) - The first c*nt is the deepest. The highs and lows associated with our first handful of lovers are so affecting and all-consuming. This overpowering connection could be preventing you from opening yourself up to the idea of a new long-term relationship with another man.

If the satisfaction you feel from anticipating your future together with this fella satiates your romantic needs, continue on your current path. It sounds lovely and often anticipation can be more than half the meal. However if you feel that something is missing in your life, think about what that Palm Springs banana hammock would look like on another guy. One who is more readily available.

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What do you guys think? Help our friend out in the comments! And make sure to send in your Queer Abby questions to [email protected], or through our anonymous Queer Abby Google Form. 

Image courtesy of BelAmi