The Jonas Brothers Literally Don’t Go Shirtless In Pentecostal Harper’s Bazaar Spread And We’re Rectifying That Right Now

June 7, 2019
HIS_EXCELLENCY

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Joe has been going through it. Please send him good vibes during this dark time. #GameOfThrones @harpersbazaarus

A post shared by Nick Jonas (@nickjonas) on Jun 6, 2019 at 7:20am PDT

To quote Sophia from Golden Girls: "You're nothing but a back-stabbing Judas in sensible shoes!" My Fleshbot readers and I dedicated years of masturbating to Nick Jonas because he was the fake gay icon that the world needed. Our precarious relationship hinged on us pretending that we didn't know he was super straight and Pentecostal and him showing off his stinky pits and making out with dudes on basic cable. It was heaven! Now Nick, Joe, and like Kyle are all paired up with chicks IRL and aren't taking off their clothes. Like they're not shirtless in this hyped Harper's Bazaar photoshoot. At all. THE BOND HAS BEEN BROKEN.

Nick Jonas on Kingdom

The Jonas Brothers just dropped their first album in a hundred years, called Happiness Begins, which sounds like a Teens For Christ summer retreat theme. It also implies that happiness wasn't there before. Well it was for... me.

What literally the fuck is my point? Nick used me. And I used him. As my imaginary Fleshlight. So here we are. An impasse. In actuality, the Jonas brothers were raised in an incredibly conservative household. Their father was a pastor at an Assemblies of God church, which falls under the Pentecostal umbrella. If you're not from East Tennessee like me, that doesn't mean anything to you, but um, yaaaa, snakes much?

In 2016, when talking about how he doesn't regret sporting purity rings even though he and his bros didn't necessarily abide by the purity ring guidelines, Nick said:

You grow up, you live life, you gain some world perspective and you develop your own views and opinions as it relates to faith, as it relates to sex, and everything that falls under the bounds of what your parents teach you and what comes from religion and you get to make your own choices.

AKA I hate gay people. KIDDING. Basically, the new married Nick Jonas is way more similar to teen Nick Jonas than the Nick Jonas that I wrote about on here even just two years ago. He's been body snatched by his former self, and if you don't believe me, check out this aggressively clothed Bunch of Believers spread from Harper's Bazaar.

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The @jonasbrothers may have grown up, but you’re still going to want to hang all these pics on your bedroom wall. Link in bio to the full Men’s BAZAAR.com digital cover story. Photographer: @ericraydavidson Profile: #JasonGay Fashion Director: @kerrypieri Stylist: @avoyermagyan Groomer: @mnmachado Bookings: @whatisnojan Executive director: @joyann_king

A post shared by Harper's BAZAAR (@harpersbazaarus) on Jun 6, 2019 at 7:26am PDT

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Introducing...the Jonas Brothers: All Grown Up and Sexier Than Ever. For a special men's digital cover, the trio opens up to BAZAAR.com about the resurrection no one saw coming. Click the link in the bio to read the full story. Photographer: @ericraydavidson Profile: #JasonGay Fashion Director: @kerrypieri Stylist: @avoyermagyan Groomer: @mnmachado Bookings: @whatisnojan Executive director: @joyann_king

A post shared by Harper's BAZAAR (@harpersbazaarus) on Jun 6, 2019 at 5:00am PDT

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A post shared by Harper's BAZAAR (@harpersbazaarus) on Jun 6, 2019 at 5:31am PDT

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A post shared by Harper's BAZAAR (@harpersbazaarus) on Jun 6, 2019 at 2:21pm PDT

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A post shared by Harper's BAZAAR (@harpersbazaarus) on Jun 6, 2019 at 5:15am PDT

And now, because that's not what you came here for at all, let's relive the glory hole days with the hottest shots of shirtless Nick, Joe, and um like Keith! I respect their life choices no matter what. But I respect their life choices no matter what more when I can see their tits! WHAT?

More than a handful. @nickjonas channels Mark Wahlberg in the latest issue of @FlauntMagazine. #mycalvins #tbt pic.twitter.com/g8suojpSyB

— CALVIN KLEIN (@CalvinKlein) October 2, 2014

Nick Jonas
- THE CALVIN KLEIN PHOTOSHOOT
- The only Jonas that matters tbh
- Abs for days pic.twitter.com/gtvfG2zb93

— E-Money 🤑 (@imanimlewis) July 16, 2017

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Thank you @entertainmentweekly for featuring me on their cover and making #LastYearWasComplicated their #1 pick for the Summer Must List 😎

A post shared by Nick Jonas (@nickjonas) on May 26, 2016 at 10:14am PDT

Time to see our @nickjonas cover! Featuring @SupraFootwear & @WH_Studio. Full feature on http://t.co/eO1H6lvgRI soon! pic.twitter.com/bMM6PYDKuN

— FLAUNT (@FlauntMagazine) September 30, 2014

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❓@guess ❓

A post shared by J O E J O N A S (@joejonas) on Jan 13, 2017 at 11:42am PST

JOE JONAS @joejonas by Yu Tsai @yutsai for @GUESS Underwear SS17 - SEE MORE: https://t.co/oWsHUHtBJ9 pic.twitter.com/eYHVbBGS82

— That Boy Style (@thatboystyle) January 12, 2017

EXCLUSIVE: The Voice Australia host, Singer Joe Jonas goes for a swim at the world famous Bondi Icebergs Pool after a workout, Sydney, Australia. 22 Feb 2018 Pictured: Joe Jonas. Photo credit: Mega