Queer Abby: My Cheating Boyfriend Can’t Top Me Right. Is It Time To Cheat Back?

Queer Abby,

I have a bit of a predicament that I can't seem to shake. I have been in a long term relationship with this guy. During this time I have been monogamous but he has cheated several times and even though part of me feels like staying with him has cost me my dignity I decided staying was what I wanted to do. Now as I enter my 30s I feel slighted that he has had the pleasure of being with other people while I have not been with anyone other than him in a very long time. I don't have any resentment from his infidelity but I do feel jealous about it. I have hinted that I would like to experiment with some group play or maybe even consider opening the relationship just a bit but he has shut that all down (ironic right?)

While together I have primarily been the "top" and enjoy it, in the past I much prefer bottoming. My guy is not someone who I enjoy when he tops me. He has trouble with performance anxiety, is rough in the wrong ways, and has a less than average size. My urges lately have really been kicking in to get back to my bottom roots. I've all but accepted the fact that I want to cheat if he won't be willing to try to be more flexible. I feel that considering how forgiving I have been the least he could do is be open to the idea of letting each of us be a little freer together. I'd rather not cheat too because two wrongs don't make a right but at this point I kind of feel like my actions would be validated by my attempts to be open and honest. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I go for it? What should I do or how should I proceed?

Sincerely, Wants Pounded Right

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Dear Wants Pounded Right,

First off, to mirror what's most likely running through most of our readers' minds right now, I have to ask the question - Why do you want to stay with this guy? He cheated on you - not just once but several times, isn't sympathetic to the power imbalance he instilled in the relationship by cheating, and for multiple reasons isn't satisfying you in the bedroom. We're obviously missing a piece of the puzzle, but I urge you to examine that piece and decide if it's significant enough to warrant pursuing this relationship further. How do you know that he isn't going to cheat again after you've invested even more time in the relationship - and made yourself even more vulnerable?

Secondly, before we get to the ultimate question of whether or not you should cheat, ask yourself - Are you looking to sleep around more for retribution, or more for sexual gratification? You mention being jealous (not resentful, although the two aren't too dissimilar) of your boyfriend's sexual Rumspringa. Is cheating your way of evening the playing field? If so, why bring up his lackluster performance in the bedroom? The two seem like separate issues, and oddly enough, the former is more of a solid foundation for a lifetime together than the latter. For as painful as they are, jealousy and infidelity can be overcome. But a lack of sexual desire for a partner (if sex is important to you, which it sounds like it is)... can't?

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I have no moral qualms if you decide to cheat on your boyfriend. He isn't willing to budge on the openness of your relationship, yet already got his rocks off with Tom, Dick, and Harry, and Hairy Dick. He had his cake, ate it, and now your cake is left wanting.

However, if he can't satisfy you in bed (is your need to get fucked by a big dick temporary, or here to stay?) what's the point of cheating - one time, two times, three times, even four times - if the sex back home isn't good? If this guy is the one and cheating will genuinely enable you to put the past behind you and start your future together, I say, cheat. Get on the apps. Get your flirt on at work. Get fucked. It's not that hard. But if either through cheating or through this searing Queer Abby insight and ensuing introspection you realize that the relationship has run its course, don't cheat. Date. Preferably someone who doesn't cheat.

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This was a tough one! What are your thoughts? Should our friend stay faithful, cheat, or leave his boyfriend all together? Or maybe there's another option that we missed? Please help him out by sounding off in the comments!

And remember to send in YOUR Queer Abby questions to [email protected], or via our anonymous Queer Abby Google Form! 

Images courtesy of BelAmi